Normally, I would post something like this in the Jokes forum, but the General Population probably wouldn't get it. Enjoy.
First, you must learn to call it by its rightful name, it is DC, or "the District" - only tourists call it Washington.
If your road map of Montgomery County is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one, it's obsolete. If in Loudoun or Fairfax County and your map is one day old, it's already obsolete.
There is no such thing as a dangerous high speed chase in DC. It's just another chase, usually on the BW Parkway.
All directions start with "The Beltway"... which has no beginning and no end, just one continuous loop that locals believe is somehow clarified by an "inner" and "outer loop" designation. This makes no sense to ANYONE outside the area.
The morning rush hour is from 5 to 11 AM. The evening rush hour is from 1 to 8 PM. In reality, Friday's rush hour starts Thursday night at 10 pm especially during the summer on Route 50 eastbound.
If there is a ball game at the Redskins stadium, there is no point in driving anywhere near PG County. (Tip: Never say PG County to anyone from Mitchellville, Bowie, Upper Marlboro or Fort Washington. They'll blow a vessel in their neck and go into a seizure.)
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended and shot at. If you run the red light, be sure to smile for the $100 picture you will receive courtesy of the DMV. However, if you don't go as soon as the light turns green, you will get cussed out in 382 languages, none of them English.
Rain causes an immediate 50 point drop of IQ in drivers. Snow causes an immediate 100 point drop in IQ and a rush to Giant for toilet paper and milk.
Construction on I-270 is a way of life and a permanent source of scorn and cynical entertainment. It's ironic that it's called an "Interstate" but runs only from Bethesda to Frederick. (Unless you consider Montgomery County another state, which some do). Opening in the 60's, it has been torn up and under reconstruction ever since. Also, it has a "Spur" section which is even more confusing.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Takoma Park ".
If someone actually has their turn signal on, they are by definition, a tourist. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators. Heed the warning. All old ladies in Buicks have the right of way in the area of Leisure World.
Many roads mysteriously change their names as you cross intersections. Don't ask why, no one knows.
If asking directions in Arlington, Langley Park, Wheaton or Adams Morgan, you must know how to speak Spanish. If in PG County, Ebonics will be your best bet (unless you're in the aforementioned cities that you can't say PG County). In Annandale, a Cambodian or Vietnamese dialect will come in handy. If on DuPont Circle, Capital Hill or U Street, a gay dialect helps. If you stop to ask directions in Southeast...well, just don't stop to ask directions in Southeast.
A taxi ride across town will cost you $12.50. A taxi ride two blocks will cost you $16.75. (It's a zone thing, you wouldn't understand).
Traveling south out of DC on Interstate 395/95 is the most dangerous, scariest thing you will ever do. There is nothing more comforting then seven lanes of traffic cruising along at 85 mph, BUMPER TO BUMPER!!!
The minimum acceptable speed on the Beltway is 85mph. Drive slower, and you will be considered a wuss. The Beltway is DC's daily version of a NASCAR reality show. Strap up and collect points as you go.
The open lane for passing on all Maryland interstates is the far right lane because no self-respecting Marylander would ever be caught driving in the "slow" lane. Unofficially, both shoulders are fair game also.
The far left lanes on all Maryland interstates are official "chat" lanes reserved for drivers who wish to talk on their cell phones. Note: All mini-vans have priority clearance to use the far left at whatever speed the driver feels most comfortable multi-tasking in.
If it's 10 degrees, it's Nationals' opening day.
If it's 110 degrees, it's the Redskins opening day.
If the humidity is 90+ and the temperature is 90+, then it's May, June, July, August and sometimes September.
If you go to a Skins football game, pay the $75.00 to park in the stadium lot. It's cheaper then getting towed or a citation. By law, you're not allowed to walk on the "public" roads around the stadium during game days.
Ya know, i always knew i hated DC for a reason, and you just posted exactly ALL OF THEM!
thx!
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some of those things are true in LA also. especially the IQ drop during rain. expect 85mph speeds until it rains, then expect 35mph speeds in all 12 lanes.
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My Truck: 2005 Tundra, 2UZFE. 4WD. AccessCab. Spectra Blue Mica (8M6). TRD. AT. CC. CK. DZ. FE. AW. LD. OF. TO. VP.
Nothing like having to merge across five lanes of traffic within a quarter mile when everyone's going at least 60mph bumper to bumper, because you have a right entrance ramp and need to grab the next left exit.
Anyone else ever been lost around MLK blvd in DC, raise your hands ...ugh.
My wife did two tours of duty in DC, first at the Pentagon (left before 9/11) and the last tour was at the Navy Yard. I don't know how she did it. We lived in Warrenton at the time and my job took me into Arlington, Annandale, Fairfax County, WoodBridge, and over to Mt Vernon. I could leave my office at 8 and arrive at 10:30. I could also leave at 9:30 and be there at 10:30
If you can survive driving in DC, you are ready to drive anywhere in the world.
__________________
2003 Tundra 4.7L V8 Access Cab Limited 4WD
w/ all factory packages,Black Onyx 202-rebadged. was stock 31K on 5/9/05, now 56K
*Extang Full-Tilt Tonneau * Bedrug*Topline Tailgate Step *Mr. Gille Upper & Lower Billet Grille *WAAG Bumper Guards, front & rear *HT Side Step Nerf Bars *AVS Hood Protector *WeatherTech Vent Shades *JDM Black Taillights *TurnSmart Solar-power Mirror Turn-Signals *Altec 48" Line-of-Fire LED Light Kit *Altec 53" Screamer Amber Side Marker LED *PIAA Backup/Work Lights * 35 % Tinting *BullyLED Third Brake/Cargo Light *
Interior:
*Gentex Auto Dimming Compass/Temp Rear View *Garmin's Nuvi 660 GPS * Scan Guage II *Passport SR7 Radar/laser shifter *
Wheels/Tires:
*Moto Metal M0951 Gloss Black 17 in. Alloys *SpiderTrax 1.25" Wheel Spacers * Goodyear Fortera TripleTred radials P275/60R17 *
Suspension:
*Bilstein HD Shocks, F&R *Hellwig Rear Sway Bar & Helper Springs *TCS Poly Steering Rack Bushings *Wheeler's Front Sway Bar Bushings *Timbren SES Kit, Front & Rear *
I agree with that. I used to drive from Prince Georges county all the way around and up 270 for work...I must have been smoking the wacky tobaccy...could never handle that now, and that's coming from someone that drives in New Jersey. Yeeech!
Washington DC for Dummies
and very true.
...ugh.
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