Funny Middies Thread

[cubic22]

Hey there middies, just thought I would wake yall up at 7:02 am here and give you a smile. Feel free to post any funny jokes (kinda clean), B-S, or anything you find just silly.




Gotta love exotic TOYOTA ADS

HILUX FUNNY ADS TELE

[anmrivera]

Me First! Me First!!! LOL I found this hilarious!

MORALITY TEST

This test only has one question but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line. Thoughtfulness is important for this evaluation to be meaningful.

Ready? Begin . . .

You are in Florida . . .

in Miami to be exact . . .

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.
This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this great disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.

Nature is showing all of it's destructive fury.

You see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life, trying not to be taken away with the debris.

You move closer . . . somehow the woman looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is . . . it's Hillary Clinton!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take her under, forever.

You have two options: You can save her or you can take the most dramatic photos of your life.

So, you can save the life of Hillary Clinton, or you can shoot a Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful women.

Here's the question and please give an honest answer:

Would you select color film or would you rather go with the classic simplicity of black and white?
I think I'd go for Black and white! Why spend more $ on her! LOL

[Sunhouse]

Directions on "How to call the Police"

George Phillips of Meridian Mississippi was going up to bed when his
wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which
she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police
and told them that there were burglars in his shed.

The officer asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said no.
The officer replied that all patrols were busy, and that he should
simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police
again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were
people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
cause I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed
Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence.

Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the
Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[cubic22]

July 31, 2004

KNOXVILLE (AP) -- Knoxville police issued their first citation under the city's 2003 "pooper scooper" ordinance,handing a judge's wife the ticket for refusing to pick up after her dog.

The law was designed after people complained about dog feces in the downtown area.

Michele Jenkins was cited Friday after a bicycle officer watched as Jenkins' red chow defecated near an intersection.

Jenkins is the wife of Knox County Criminal Court Judge Ray Lee Jenkins.

Knoxville police says she was given an opportunity to clean it up, but refused.

The ordinance carries a $5 fine for a first offense and $50 fine for second and subsequent infractions. Court costs are sometimes also added.





If its on the news...it can't be that bad...? right
Oops

[MustangSally]

Questions That Have Confused Mankind

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your a$$?

[cubic22]

For the beer lovers I know...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!!
~ "Unknown"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember "I"! before "E", except in Budweiser.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. ! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[42GAMI]

"If its gonna be a party, you gotta have beer".
my friend ~Scott Baltazar~
...son of Legendary Gabe Baltazar.

[Salty_Dog]

Originally Posted by MustangSally

Questions That Have Confused Mankind

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

etc. etc.

When they are executing someone by lethal injection, why do they bother to sterilize the needle?

[cubic22]

A couple of strangers were drinking at a cliffside bar overlooking the ocean. Both of them look a little drunk, when one says to the other: "Hey, look at the wind whipping up the side of that cliff. It moves pretty fast. I'll bet I could jump off of the ledge, catch the wind in my coat, and get lifted right back up to the bar!" "No way", says the other guy, "you'd fall to your death." "Well, I'm going to try it!", says the first, and at that he walks over, stands on the ledge, and leaps off in a swan dive. Sure enough, he comes sailing back up in no time, and lands on his feet right in front of the bar. "I can't believe it!" says the second guy, "that's impossible" . So the first drunk does it again: he jumps off the cliff, catches the wind in his coat, and comes sailing back to the bar. "Go ahead", he says, "try it, it's great!" "Well, OK, I'm just drunk enough to give it a go", says the second fellow. So he climbs the ledge and leaps off the cliff, only to fall screaming to his death on the rocks below. The first guy walks back to the bar and sits down to his drink. The bartender steps over, looks him in the eye, and says to him: "You know, you can be a real jerk sometimes when you've been drinking, Superman".

[czechm8]

A bartender notices a new face in his bar one day. He is an old man. He orders three beers and retreats to a corner table to drink them. Every evening the old man comes in and orders three beers and sits at the table and drinks them all. Curious, the bartender one day asks him why he orders three beers at once and drinks them all. The old man explains that many years ago, he and his two brothers made a pact that if they were ever seperated, that each would drink beers for the missing brothers so they would always be reminded of one another and would never have to drink alone. This went on for months until one evening the man came in and only ordered two beers. He retreated to his table and drank the two beers. Well, the bartender figured that one of the old man's brothers must have died. After several nights of the old man ordering only two beers, the bartender's curiosity got the better of him and he asked the old man if one of his brother's had died and if there was anything he could do.
The old man looked up at him and said "Heavens no, my two brothers are alive and well." "Its just that my wife made me quit drinking last week!"

[anmrivera]

Amy, a blonde city girl, marries a farmer. One morning, before he goes out
to the fields, the farmer says to her, 'The artificial insemination man is
coming to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the
two-by-four above the cow's stall. You show him where it is, okay?'

So the farmer leaves for the fields, and a while later, the artificial
insemination man arrives. Amy takes him down the long row of cows until she
sees the nail, and tells him, 'This is the one. This one right here!'

Terribly impressed, the man asks, 'How did you know this is the cow to be
bred?'

'By the nail over it's stall,' Amy explains.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

'I guess it's to hang your pants on,' she tells him as she walks away.

[anmrivera]

I am a private pilot so this really is histerical to me! Hope you all like it too!

Why I like airplanes
1. Airplanes can kill you quickly; a woman takes her time.

2. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3. Airplanes don't get mad if you 'touch and go.'

4. Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

5.Airplanes operate inverted.

6. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

7. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.

8. Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

9. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

10. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown
before.

11. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

12. Airplanes don't complain if you hose them down.

13. Airplanes don't mind if you like to look at other airplanes.

14. Airplanes can get high without throwing up.

15. Airplanes expect to be tied down.

16. Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

17. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

18. However, when airplanes go quiet, just like a woman, it's a bad thing.

[anmrivera]

Subject: Robotics 101


> A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.
>
> A fellow came in for a drink and the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
> The man replied, '150.'
>
> So the robot proceeded to make conversation about Quantum physics, string
> theory, atomic chemistry, and so on.
>
> The man listened intently and thought, 'This is really cool.' So he
decided
> to test the robot. He walked out of the bar, turned around, and came back
in
> for another drink.
>
> Again, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
> The man responded, '100.'
> So the robot started talking about football, baseball, and so on.
>
> The man thought to himself, 'Wow, this is really cool.' The man went out
and
> came back in a third time.
>
> As before, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
> The man replied, '50.'
>
> The robot then said, 'So, you gonna vote for Kerry?'

[czechm8]

Originally Posted by anmrivera

Subject: Robotics 101

> As before, the robot asked him, 'What's your IQ?'
> The man replied, '50.'
>
> The robot then said, 'So, you gonna vote for Kerry?'

Right on, Bro!