We Got Jokes!!! - READ ONLY -

[Gilley]

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman sitting on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says, "Hi, there, how's it going?"

Having already had a few drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks in straight in the eye and says, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter."

He says, "No kidding, I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?"

[Rlockyer]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day
while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim
suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of
the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him.
She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Edna's heroic act
he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,
as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Edna the news he said, "Edna, I have good
news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged;
since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping
in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded
that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim
the patient you saved, hung Himself with his bathrobe belt in
the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

[Brian M]

A lady was in the Lexus show room, massaging the soft leather of a LS430 when she all of a sudden let loose a tremendous fart. Hoping no one saw her she looks to see if a salesman had been near.

She looks to her left and sure enough a salesman was standing right there for the whole episode.

Trying to regain some respect, she straightens her blouse and says, "Sir, what is the price of this LS430?"

The salesman answered, "Well, I tell you...if rubbing the leather made you fart....the price is gonna make you $h!t!"

[Possum]

LETTER TO THE FOLKS AT HOME ON THE FARM, FROM A NEW MARINE

DEAR MA & PA,

Am well. Hope you are. Tell brother Walt & brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt & Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed, hay to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, or fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, they git warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie, and other regular food.

But tell Elmer and Walt you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you 'til noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route" marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys gets sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the school board. Majors & Colonels just ride around & frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt &Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.

All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Be sure to tell Walt & Elmer to hurry & join before other fellers get onto this setup & come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Sue Ellen

[molecule]

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are
"The Seven Dwarfs," they get ushered in to see the Pope.
Dopey and Doc lead the pack. "Dopey and Doc my sons," says
the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Doc asks, "Excuse me,
Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for
a moment and answers, "No Doc, there are no dwarf nuns in
Rome." In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Doc then asks the Pope. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf
nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for
a moment and then answers, "No, Doc, there are no dwarf nuns
in all of Europe." This time all the other dwarfs burst into
laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them
all with an angry glare.

Doc looks at the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY
dwarf nuns in the whole world?" The Pope answers, "I'm
sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the
world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and
laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their
cheeks as they begin chanting, "Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

[Possum]

Rooster and an old farmer went to town to see a movie.

The ticket agent asked, "Sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster Chucky. Wherever I go, Chucky goes,"

"I'm sorry," sir" said the ticket agent. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird in
his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two older widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The farmer unzipped his pants so Chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred. "What?" said Marge. "I think the guy next to me is a pervert." "What makes you think so?" asked Marge. "He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out, "whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge. "At our age we've seen 'em all."

"That's what I thought, too" said Mildred, "but this one's eating my popcorn."

[Possum]

Sneeze

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first-class
section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering, and he goes back to reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says: "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose, then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says: "Pepper."

[JnEsPappa]

Mr. Thibodeaux (pronounced Ti-buh-do) wound up in Hell:cry: The Devil comes up to him on his first day and says, "So Mr. Thibodeaux, how do you like the HEAT?" Thib says, "Oh, it's not so bad... Louisiana gets hot like dat in May."

The Devil leaves angry and instructs one of his minions to double the heat!! The next day he seeks out Thib and says, "How do you like it now?" Thib says, "Oh, it's not so bad... Louisiana gets hot like dat come JulyAugust."

The Devil is boiling now. He instructs his minion to drop the temperature to 40 below, with ice, snow and hail. The next day as he is approaching Mr. Thibodeaux, he sees the little Cajun jumping with joy, dancing and shouting, "The Saints won the Super Bowl, the Saints won the Super Bowl!!"

[Buzzard]

Originally posted by jnespappa
Mr. Thibodeaux (pronounced Ti-buh-do) wound up in Hell:cry: The Devil comes up to him on his first day and says, "So Mr. Thibodeaux, how do you like the HEAT?" Thib says, "Oh, it's not so bad... Louisiana gets hot like dat in May."

The Devil leaves angry and instructs one of his minions to double the heat!! The next day he seeks out Thib and says, "How do you like it now?" Thib says, "Oh, it's not so bad... Louisiana gets hot like dat come JulyAugust."

The Devil is boiling now. He instructs his minion to drop the temperature to 40 below, with ice, snow and hail. The next day as he is approaching Mr. Thibodeaux, he sees the little Cajun jumping with joy, dancing and shouting, "The Saints won the Super Bowl, the Saints won the Super Bowl!!"

LoL---I been tellin Heabert and Thibodeaux jokes for years. About a year ago i got a family history record from my uncle in Houma. I found out I are a Thibodeaux --Buzzard

[Buzzard]

Heabert and Thibodeaux were walking thur a cemetery. One of the tombstones read "Here lies J. Broussard-A lawyer and an honest man" -----Thibodeaux says " Look at dat Heabert, da got two people buried in dat grave" ----Buzzard

[Supercharged03]

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. Please note: these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

#1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

#1. Sunday (and Monday night) = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

#1. Crying is blackmail.

#1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it! We'll get it for you, but just LET US KNOW WHAT YOU WANT!!!

#1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

#1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

#1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. Please pick one.

#1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

#1. Let us know about that funny noise in your car engine as soon as you hear it.

#1. Anything we said six months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

#1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer, but still love you.

#1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

#1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

#1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

#1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. Hot pink is obviously a color. We have no idea what Mauve is.

#1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

#1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

#1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

#1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

#1. I AM in shape. ROUND is a shape

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that; it's like camping.

[Possum]

To LonV & JP

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? "

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."

[Boone]

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into flames. The alarm went out to the fire departments from miles around. When the volunteer firefighters appeared on the scene, the chemical
company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact. But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on
film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Well," said the 70-year-old fire chief, "the first thing we are going
to do is fix the brakes on that damn truck!"

[foreclosin]

Apologies everyone, but I thought you should know.




What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully in his sleep at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

[Boone]

Originally posted by foreclosin
Apologies everyone, but I thought you should know.




What with all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully in his sleep at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

LMAO - That was a good one!