We Got Jokes!!! - READ ONLY -

[molecule]

4 Secrets to a Happy Marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans...

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money...

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex...

4. It is very important that these three women never meet!!!!


Bill

[molecule]

Important Notice!

Store Closing Notice

IMPORTANT NOTICE:
ALL K-MART AND WALMART STORES WILL BE CLOSED IN IRAQ. THEY WILL BE REPLACED WITH TARGETS.

[MikeK]

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor
manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:
> ______
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
> _____
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
> _____
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
> _____
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
> _____
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
> _____
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
> _____
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
> ____
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back.
> _____
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
> _____
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
> _____
> WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
> _____
> WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you kan tipe reel goood.

> ok, well hope these made you laugh & now I have to go find my underwear

[Possum]

LMAO!

molecule's sig line

If I knew I was going to live this long I would have taken better care of myself
"Marrage changes passion suddenly your in bed with a relative"

[molecule]

This husband and wife are staying in a hotel, and after a romantic evening of wining and dining they go off to bed. However, as soon as they settle down, the man (not quite ready for slumber) leans over and whispers softly "Hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isn't quite ready for bye-byes yet."

The wife takes the hint and says "OK, but I have to use the bathroom first."

So off she goes but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.

Her husband jumps up and exclaims in a concerned tone "Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?".

No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad passionate sex for three hours.

Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the same piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.

Her husband looks over and grunts "Clumsy b****."

[AZ TUNDRA]

A Red Neck Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
"1"
"2"
"3"
"4"
"5"
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

[molecule]

Subject: What Would You Do ???

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a
taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted
"Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for? He does!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[ToyTun21]

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo(COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Gate's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You
would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue! For some reason you would simply accept this.

Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive-but would run on only five percent of the roads.

The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again, because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off."

[Buzzard]

Originally posted by ToyTun21
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on....

funny funny funny ---Buzzard

[molecule]

He said, She said... Top 10

10) He said... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said... You wear briefs, don't you?

9) She said... What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said... It's not my fault, I ran out of money.

8) He said... Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said... Well, you succeeded.

7) He said... Two inches more, and I would be King. She said... Two inches less, and you'd be Queen.

6) On wall in Ladies Room: "My husband follows me everywhere. Written just below it: "I do not".

5) He said... Shall we try another position tonight? She said... That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.

4) Priest said... I don't think you will ever find another man like your late husband. She said... Who's gonna look?

3) He said... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said... Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

2) He said... Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said... Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

And the Number one (1) He said... Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said... I would, but you said not to call
you at work!

[AZ TUNDRA]

The local pastor of a church had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc. The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and drove away so that the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

So he did. He moved slowly forward with his car, all the while checking his progress and watching the kitten coming slowly into
reach. Finally he figured if he went just a little bit further,
the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to rescue the kitten.
But as he inched forward, the rope broke. The tree went "boing!"
and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight!

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your
keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his
church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. Now this woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?" She replied, "You won't believe this," and told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it?" (Can you see where this is heading?)

She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her. So it's hers"

[AZ TUNDRA]

Subject: Manure shipments

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything was transported
by ship. It was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once
water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see
what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below
decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with
the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to "Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks
so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this
volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

You probably did not know this true history of the word.

Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.

[AZ TUNDRA]

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a
face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure
called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back
of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin
to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."Over the course of
the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects
were wonderful - the woman remained young looking and
vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems. "All these years, everything has been working
just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've
always loved the results. But now I've developed two
annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under
my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor
looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those
are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about
the goatee."

[OKCTundra]

This is a test for men only and all real men answer "C" to all of these questions. Women will also benefit by reviewing the questions so they get to understand men and thereby enrich their own lives.


1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and
violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.

C. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism.

C. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)

C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.


4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.

B. A dog.

C. A dog that eats cats.


5. You have been dating a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game. She's reading the papers and suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. You sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,but you don't want to rush it.

B. Although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

C. You cannot believe the Steelers called a draw play on third and seventeen.


6. Okay, so you have decided you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what?


7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

B. "They're in school already?"

C. "There are three of them?"


8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody, and we are not naming names, is quietly trying to discard his underwear.

[molecule]

Subject: Fwd: SOUP ANYONE!!!



Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked,"Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they! concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil.

This represents a Drop frequency of approximately three spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?" I asked.

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the head of you know what, we can pull it out over the ! urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but.. . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon......"