We Got Jokes!!! -Thread 2-

[Possum]

Ok all you jokers, y'all went and did it again!

This is the new "We Got Jokes!!!" thread, but do not worry! All the jokes that had been posted are safe and sound.

Due to a software issue, our Moderators cannot split threads when they get over 500 posts. So we have archived then as 'Read Only' threads for your enjoyment and to recall some of your favorites that have been posted by our members.

You can locate the threads HERE and HERE.

Please continue to post your jokes on this threads.

We'll be looking forward to those of you that share a few laughs with us on TS.com

Dan

[Possum]

Way down in Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time,and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor
looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son! " Aint dat grand!!

Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet! " The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!!!! " She a pretty lil ting, too....Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said,


"Hold on, we still ain't got done yet! " The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!

When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil? "

She said, "Yeah, I do.

" Bubba said, "Man, it's a darn good ting we didn't use no WD-40.

[Kat]

Maybe it's true.....

[molecule]

Three blondes were applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "Did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!" said the second blonde.

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face!" Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused, too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

[molecule]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.

Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."

[KLS]

President Bush and Vice President Cheney were having lunch at a cafe. After looking at the menu, President Bush turned to the waitress and said that he'd like a quickie. The waitress turned red, slapped his face, and stomped off.

Vice President Cheney said, "Mr. President, I believe that's pronounced 'quiche'."

[KLS]

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter.

When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

[tremo]

(A tad dirty...)

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined; no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses ran into the room. "What happened?" they cried.

The husband said, "I guess she choked?!"

[molecule]

For all the Italians out there, or those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, or even to be friends of Italians. . ..

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs.

Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture.

His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.....

"Back off!" she said, "They're for the funeral.".

[molecule]

Subject: Do not mess with a child

A little girl: was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher: said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl: stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher: reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl: said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".

The teacher: asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"

The little girl: replied, "Then you ask him".
---------------------------------------------------------

A Kindergarten teacher: was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl: replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher: paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl: replied, "They will in a minute."
----------------------------------------------------------

A Sunday school teacher: was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she
asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy: (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
-------------------------------------------------------

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
-----------------------------------------------------------

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
-----------------------------------------------------------

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."
--------------------------------------------------------

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[KLS]

The November election found Bush and Kerry in a tie.
They decided to choose by having an ice-fishing contest in Alaska. Whoever caught the most fish in a week would be the next president.

The first day Kerry caught 12, Bush none. Second and third days, neither caught any. Fourth day, Kerry caught 20, Bush none. So Bush said to his secret service, "They must be cheating. Go over there and see if they are cheating."

So they came back with the definite proof that the Kerry camp was cheating: "They cut a hole in the ice."

[wylcat]

A professor is sent to Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math, and science.

One day the youngest and prettiest wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child.

The members of the tribe are shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and my youngest wife has given birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replies, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence... what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief is silent for a moment, and then says: "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about the sheep and I won't say anything more about the baby."

[monomial]

A woman was walking down the street when she saw a man walking a three legged pig. She thinks to herself, "That's odd." She decides to ask the man about the pig.

"Excuse me sir, can you tell me why it is you are walking down the street with a pig that only has three legs?"

"Why certainly," the man says. "I'm a farmer, and this here is a special pig."

"What makes it so special?" the woman asks.

"Well, the other day, we came across a school bus full of children that had flipped over in a ditch and this pig ran down and dragged all of the children out to safety. And just a few days ago, I fell into the lake and would've drown had it not been for this pig going in to save me."

"That's remarkable. But, why does he only have three legs?" the woman asks. "You see, ma'am," the farmer starts, "a pig this special isn't eaten all at once."

[wylcat]

Due to increasing product liability litigation, American beer brewers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers :

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an @sshole.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN !!!

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may make your think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your @ss kicked.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may cause a disturbance in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

WARNING : The consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

[wylcat]

If you are going to live, or visit in the South, you need to know the rules. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rules of the Southerner's mind, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter a Southern State.



1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. Drive it or get it out of the way.

3. The red dirt -- it's called clay. Red clay. If you like the color,don't wash your car for a couple weeks -- it'll be permanent. The big lumps of it -- they're called "clods."

4. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

5. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you whipped -- by our women.

6.. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for -- bait.

7. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot. (REALLY!!!)

8. Men, if you want to wear earrings, pierce your nose and whatevers, and wear your hair long, go right ahead, but if we call you ma'am, don't be offended.

9. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might want to ensure it's not up to your ear at the time.

10. That's right, whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for that you paid in the airport for one drink..

11. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

12. Tea - yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice and is sweet You want it hot -- sit it in the sun. You want it unsweetened -add a lot of water.

13. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

14. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have a quarter of a million dollar combine that we only use two weeks a year

15. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

16. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks -- because they want to. So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute.

17. We eat dinner together with our families, we pray before we eat (yeah, even breakfast), we go to church on Wednesdays and Sundays, we go to high school football games on Friday nights, we still address our seniors with "yes, sir" and "yes, ma'am," and we sometimes still take Sunday drives around town to see friends and neighbors.

18. We don't do "hurry up" well.

19. Greens - yeah, we have greens, but you don't putt on them. You boil them with either salty fatback, bacon or a ham hock.

20. Yeah, we eat catfish, bass, bream and carp. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

21.. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstate 65 goes two ways - Interstate 40 goes the other two. Pick one.

22. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even some pepper on and if you want to put milk and sugar on them? Then you want cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be I-40 West.

23. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.

24. So every person in every pickup waves? Yeah, it's called being friendly. Understand the concept?

25. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -- and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called diamondbacks, and they're not baseball players.

26. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot -- his name is "Sir," no matter how young he is.

27. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.

28. You burn an American flag in our state, you get beat up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature -- all four of them -- enacted a measure to stop this. There is now a $2.50 fine for beating up the flag burner.


Now, enjoy your visit