JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill
Forgot her pill
And now they have a son.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
LITTLE MISS MUFFET
Sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It was not the spider
that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.
SIMPLE SIMON Met a Pieman
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb@ss!"
HUMPTY DUMPTY Sat on a wall
Humpty dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
When the cat died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Puddin' Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.
THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good,
She was very, very good,
But when she was bad,
She got a fur coat, jewels, and a sports car.
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there aeroplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:
1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it..
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.
OK, I've waited long enough. It's time for some Tsunami Jokes:
Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
Sue.
Sue Who?
SUE NAMIIIII!!
----------------------
Q: What's the least popular detergent in Indonesia?
A: Tide.
----------------------
Q: Aren't the beachfront cities in Thailand without power?
A: No, there's plenty of current running through the towns.
----------------------
Q: What did the photographer say, when about to photograph a group of tourists?
A: "WAVE!"
----------------------
Q: What is the new name for the island of Phuket?
A: Phuked.
----------------------
Q: How do you recognize a prostitute from Phuket?
A: She's the one wearing fishnet.
----------------------
It has been common practice for years in Indonesia for natives to do
their bathing at sea. They would actually take a bar of soap, hop in the
nearest boat and paddle out to sea to clean up. Times are changing,
however, and it now appears that they have no problem washing up on shore.
----------------------
Q: Why are people in the Sri Lanka area so annoying?
A: They always get carried away.
----------------------
Q: Did you hear who won the Australian Christmas 2004 Surfing Championships?
A: Sri Lankan on a Deckchair.
----------------------
The Sri Lanken elections will be occurring soon, and all the leaders of the main parties are trying to get the support of the floating voters.
----------------------
Q: Why are so many sharks stricken with diarrhea?
A: They've been eating Thai food all week.
----------------------
Q: Why didn't the tsunami affect Australia?
A: They could afford a wall.
----------------------
Some suggested song titles for a charity single for the Tsunami disaster:
"Help I'm A Fish" by Little Trees
"Oops Upside Your Head" by the Gap Band
"Under The Sea" from the Little Mermaid
"The Tide Is High" by the Culture Club
"Say Hello, Wave Goodbye" by David Gray
"Don't Cross the River if You Can't Swim the Tide" by America
"Surf City" by the Beach Boys
"Green Grass and High Tides" by the Outlaws
and anything by The Drifters
----------------------
An American tourist took her young grandson to the beach in Phuket. She sat in a beach chair beneath an umbrella and tended her knitting while her grandson, wearing a sunhat, played with a small pial and shovel at the water's edge nearby. All about were other beachgoers, frolicking in the water, sunbathing, or otherwise enjoying the day.
Completely without warning, the tsunami crashed ashore, destroying everything in its path. As the waters retreated to the ocean, all about was chaos and destruction and the fading sounds of the pitiful souls that had been swept out to sea. Nothing remained ... nothing, that is, except for the lady, still sitting on her beach chair beneath her umbrella, with her unfinished knitting on her lap, somehow miraculously survived unscathed.
She looked about, then she looked to where her young grandson had been only moments before. She looked to the heavens, tears streaming from her eyes, and called out to God: "Why Lord, why? Why did you take my beautiful grandson who had his whole life before him, yet leave me, a pitiful old woman at the end of her life? Oh Lord, would that you had taken me instead of my grandson!"
A voice thundered from the sky: "OK, OK you've made your point."
Moments later, a second wave crashed ashore. For a brief few minutes, once again all was chaos as the wave pummeled the shoreline. Then, as its waters retreated back to the ocean, once again the elderly lady found herself sitting as before, but this time at her feet was her grandson, still with a small pail and shovel, playing as though nothing had happened.
The old lady gestured toward the boy while looking up to the heavens and exclaimed, "He had a hat!"
In order to ensure the best quality information on TS, the following English and Grammar guidelines are to be followed at all times:
you said it in a nutshell....lol
__________________ HAVE YOU DRIVEN OVER A FORD LATELY?
Team West SAWS (cranked up to 3.25")
Total Chaos UCA
ORS Manual hub kit
reese front receiver hitch
10,000 lb. winch on receiver hitch
Warn Quick connects front and rear
rear brake porportioning valve mod
3" perfomance products body lift
skyjacker AAL
wheelers urithane kit for front swaybar and steering rack
BFG AT's
Eagle101 wheels
CB radio W/ dual fiberglass 48" ant.
It will erase everything on your hard drive, and also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It will demagnetize the stripes on all of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM pin number, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your cellphone auto-dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. It mixes antifreeze into your fish tank and it will drink all your beer.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It's radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and navel lint to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinnitus.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporate undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with tofu. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing them to smell like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle, dangerous and terrifying to behold, and also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned.
I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it.
I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax. We go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable.
So we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married. I get a promotion; you get a promotion; we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom; but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful.
The sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence
I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar. You throw me out (justifiably so), and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up.
That's just too sad. Think about the children. So, for God's sake, if you dance with me, and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.
Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said,
"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."
"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"
"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."
"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"
"Well, I really don't know ...."
"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."
"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."
"Well let's go inside and settle this"
"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."
"You're on!" said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"
The bartender sighed and said, "Is that f---ing nun out there again?"
Really long joke usually told when there's a new President in office. Sorry in advance for the long read.
While traversing along in a Presidential motorcade one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Dubya.
"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."
"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in heaven."
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and Jerry Falwell. The whole of the "Right" is here, everyone laughing, happy; casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants." They play a friendly game of golf, and then dine on lobster and caviar.
The devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink and says, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"
"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.
"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from here!" says the devil.
Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the devil, who is a very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go.
Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor; he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.
"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!" The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."
With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in hell with my friends."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. The doors of the elevator open and he finds himself in the middle of barren, scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.
"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a case, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a case.
Customer: What's the difference in the beer?
Clerk: Oh, there's no difference; it's all the same beer.
Customer: Well, then, I'd like a case of the $9 beer.
Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to drink it?
Customer: I want for tomorrow on my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the beer for tomorrow is $200 per case.
Customer: What? When would I have to drink in order to get $9-a-case beer?
Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start drinking before Friday of that week and continue drinking until at least Sunday.
Customer: You're kidding!
Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any beer available before I can sell it to you.
Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.
Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same beer, but we sell only a certain number of cases on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up.
Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?
Clerk: Yes sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your beer yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many cases do you want?
Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five cases. Maybe I should buy six cases just to make sure I have enough.
Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can't do that. If you buy the beer and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the beer you already have.
Customer: What?!
Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough beer for each of your friends, but if you stop drinking before your last friend does, you will be in violation of our tariffs.
Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the beer? I already paid you for it!
Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all of the beer, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.
Customer: This is insane! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep drinking until Sunday night?
Clerk: Yes sir, it will.
Customer: OK, I am going somewhere else to buy beer!
Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is now $13.50.
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you" said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"
What did the sea say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach?
To keep his nuts warm.
There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh!t before
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he was finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."
The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Texan finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."
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