A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. In fact, I'm a little tipsy right now.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her body in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
The driver is then given a breathalyzer test. He passes with flying colors.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
No beer. No booze. No bars. No television. No cheerleaders. No baseball. No football. No basketball. No hockey. No golf. No tailgate parties. No Hooters. No pork BBQ. No hot-dogs. No burgers. No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.
Rags for clothes, towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and there are no doctors.
24 hour wailing from a guy in the tower.
No chocolate chip cookies. No Christmas.
You can't shave; your wife can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of goat cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else, she smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you it all gets better when you die.
No wonder terrorists line up to be Suicide Bombers.
A priest and rabbi lived in a small town and were good friends. When they discovered that neither could afford a car on his own, they decided to pool their funds and share a car.
As soon as the new car arrived, the priest rushed out and sprinkled it with holy water. "There", he said, "Now it's fit for a priest to drive".
When the rabbi saw this, he rushed inside his house. A few minutes later, he came out with a hacksaw and carefully cut half an inch off the tail pipe.
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in Hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the line waiting to be processed into Hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.
Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?
Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in Hell!
C: Hell's not so bad -- we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
G: Sure, I love to drink.
C: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and
as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
G: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
C: You'll love Tuesdays, then. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's content without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You're gonna' really love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?
G: Well, I experimented a little in my younger days...
C: Then you are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about
overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You'll love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
G: Yes, I love to gamble.
C: You are going to love Thursdays then because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You're going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
G: Well, no I'm not.
C: Oh ... [winces], well then, you're really gonna hate Fridays ...
DAD SAYS: Ah... well son, one day, you will need to find out anyway, so let's see if I can explain this! Well, Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date [via e-mail] with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Well, since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story...
__________________ 2004 SR5 Double Cab 4x4 w/TRD Pkg. Mods to Date:
16" 5 Spoke Brawn Enkei Wheels, Keyless Entry, Line-X Bed Liner, Challenger Running Boards, Husky Floor Liners, Bug Flector II (painted to match), Colegan Bra, Borla Dual (Side-Exit) Exhaust System, 2" Wheeler's Coil Lift, TRD Add-A-Leafs Mods to Come:
265/75/16 BFG A/T's, Possible Mods:
Seat Covers, 3M Clear Bra (hopefully... just cost so friggin' much!)
just by listening, you can tell which voice belongs to which Python.
you can recite whole scenes and gags by yourself AND do all the right voices.
you correct others when they get a teeny part of the script wrong.
then you insult their parents with a French accent, saying 'Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!'
you've tried to do a Silly Walk.
you have ever tried to teach someone The Knights of Ni's new name: "The Knights who Say Ecki-ecki-ecki-ecki-p'clang-zoop-boing-g'berz'howliziv"
when you see something dead and you yell to whomever is behind you.. "I think we 'ave an eater."
you see decapitation on TV and comment, "It's just a flesh wound."
you actually have a book of Armaments in your copy of the bible.
you think someone with fresh fruit is dangerous.
you see someone swimming, and yell "it's a witch!!!"
...and ask to weigh them against a duck.
you act as if you're dying when someone says the word "knee."
...or "it".
all questions are asked in 3 parts.
you constantly end sentences with, "Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!"
you're terrified of rabbits.
whenever you see a rabbit you say "that's no ordinary rabbit, that's the most cruel, vile and vicious rodent you ever set eyes on!"
you're at the grocery and the butcher is wheeling a cart of meat to the counter and you say "Bring out your dead!"
you've ever tried to buy a license for your pet fish named Eric.
you've actually tried to research the velocity of an unladen swallow.
....both African and European!
you see a dead animal (especially a bird) and automatically exclaim, "THIS is an EX-PARROT."
whenever someone begins, "I didn't expect..." you interrupt with, "Nooobody expects the Spanish Inquistion."
you have ever told someone to bring a shrubbery before entering your house.
you always refer to yourself as an upper-class twit, and pretend to jump over match boxes.
you search through the TV guide every night, hoping to find the "Twit of the Year" show.
you have learned how not to be seen.
your excuse for when you lose something is "Aaaaaaaaw! The cat's eaten it!"
you can quote every word from The Holy Grail.
you've actually won the Quest for the Holy Grail game.
your friends show off their house and you say: "It's only a model."
someone asks you something and you respond with "A fair question and one that for weeks has been much on my mind."
you know the "Philosophers Song" by heart.
you take a college class in philosophy to learn why Immanuel Kant was a real pissant.
Mom asked you what do you want for dinner and you say, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM!!
you're still trying to find a man with three buttocks.
you tell people that you fart in their general direction.
when counting you always go "1,2, 5( three sir!) 3!!!"
you have ever tried "street climbing."
you keep walking back and forth by someone saying "good morning....good morning...."
you believe your name is Dinsdale and your being chased by a forty foot hedgehog named "Spiny Norman."
you visit a farm and are amazed that the sheep don't have wings.
you eat, wear, burn, and feed the cat lupins.
people around you feel queasy after a meal, you casually mention "I didn't have the fish" and laugh to no one in particular.
you skip through the house making horse sounds with coconuts.
when in a restaurant, you can't resist taking the napkin, knotting the corners, and wearing it like a hat.
after telling someone your profession, you immediately add "...but I always wanted to be a LUMBERJACK!"
you suddenly change the subject by saying "And now for something completely different..."
you named your website Weasels and Spit
when, after coming in from doing hard work, someone asked you what you've been doing you've ever replied "I just spent four hours buryin' the cat."
you have ever responded to someone asking where something is by saying "Is it behind the rabbit?"
your birthday/Christmas wish list has "a holy hand granade" as your number one wish.
all of your comebacks/insults are in an "outrrrrrrrrrageous accent."
somebody wishes to move past you (vehicle, etc.) you quote the bridge scene.
when someone asks your name you say "(in a thundering voice) Some people call me. . . (quieter) [your name here].
if you find yourself saying "NI" to people that you don't like.
you have a perfect cockney accent... and you've never been to England.
you find yourself saying "tis only a scratch" when you are bleeding to death and laughing about it through the pain.
you have all the CD's with songs on them, and people catch you singing them to yourself.
you watched "As Good As It Gets" and snickered when Jack Nicholson played "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life," not because of the irony of it all, but because you remember the song from "Life of Brian."
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're crapping all over the bed!
Linear Mode
