DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.
After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Ten Best Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk.
10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"
And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.......
Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."
__________________
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. The Crocodile looks up and says "Hey!"
The Monkey looks down and says...."Daaaaamn.......how much water did you drink?!!"
__________________
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The Older You Are, the More of These You Will Remember
Blackjack and Beeman's gum
Powerhouse candy bars
Licorice records
Wax teeth, lips and mustaches
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
Candy lipstick
Candy cigarettes
Fizzies
Soda pop machines that dispense bottles
Pull tabs that snapped off soda cans
Tableside jukeboxes in coffee shops
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Movies preceded by cartoons and newsreels
Party lines
Rotary phones
Drive-ins with car hops
Sock hops
Winter rubber boots with metal latches
Coonskin caps
P.F. Flyers
Angora sweaters
Bouffant hairdos
Spoolies
Hair dryers with plastic caps
Butch wax
Dart guns with rubber-tipped darts
Tin-can telephones
Peashooters
Cork popguns
Roll of cap-gun caps
Howdy Doody puppets
Beanie and Cecil dolls
Two-bladed ice skates that clip onto shoes
Roller skates that clip onto shoes
Roller skate keys
S & H green stamps and Plaid stamps
Metal lunchboxes
Winky Dink kits for drawing on the TV screen
Crystal radios
Console hi-fi's with 78's
45-rpm records
Hand-crank wringers on tub washing machines
Slide rules
Levered metal ice trays
Mimeograph paper
Carbon paper
Flash bulbs
Eight-track tape decks
8mm Home movie cameras
Dick and Jane readers
The Older You Are, the More of These You Will Remember
$.28 per gallon
full service gas stations (oil & air pressure check, windshield cleaning)
gas stations without convenience stores
getting on a plane without being searched / xrayed / metal detected
typing a letter on a typewriter
doing research in a library
yankee screwdriver
bias ply tires
radio theater
drafting "machines"
blueprints (white lines on a blue background)
reel to reel tape recorders
transistor radio
Apple I, Apple II or Radio Shack TRS-80
A Vista worker was visiting a hillbilly family in West Virginia and commented on how sturdy their house was built.
"Yep, built it with my two hands" the hillbilly father bragged. "Done it the hard way. See them ceiling beams? Cut down two-dozen oak trees with just an axe. Done it the hard way."
"An' see them floor boards? Didn't use no nails. Drilled and pegged the whole thang. Done it the hard way."
"That's amazing!" said the Vista worker.
"And them kitchen cabinets?" the hillbilly father continued, "Solid wild cherry wood. Dovetailed the corners usin' just a pocket knife. Done it the hard way."
Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter comes boppin' through the room in her Daisy Duke shorts and red gingham halter top. The father looks over at the Vista worker who is trying not to stare too obviously and proudly smiles, "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
A man was brought to Mercy Catholic Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.
"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand.
"We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied.
"They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what young men and women do on back roads some distance from town, when the woman stopped the man.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."
The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.
"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the woman.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
Leroy, his wife, and Leroy's mother-in-law went camping over the 4th of July weekend. Leroy's wife announced that her mother had been gone from her stroll in the woods way too long.
So the two of them went looking for her.
After a while they spotted a gigantic, ferocious grizzly bear squared off with the mother-in-law!
Immediately her daughter said to her husband, in a frantic voice, "Leroy you got'ta do something, or there’s gonna be blood shed fer sure!"
Leroy calmly said, "Now look, honey, the bear got himself into this mess and he can just get himself out of it"
Daddy, how was I born?
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