A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.
"Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear"
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing underwear!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing in Scotland when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until, finally, he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 bills to warm up.
2. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots, carrying two pair of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
3. For ski boot simulation, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
4. Buy a pair of gloves, and immediately throw one of them away.
5. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
7. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you are following an 18-wheeler.
8. Fill a blender with ice, leave the cover off, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face.
9. Dress up in as many sets of clothes as you own and then proceed to take them off, with your gloves on, because you have to go to the bathroom.
10. Repeat all of the above, every Saturday and Sunday, until ski season.
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
A guy from Texas gets a scholarship to attend Harvard.
The first day he is there, he is walking across the campus and sees a bunch of rich preppie types sitting on a bench and in his Texas twang, asks them "Can y'all tell me where the library is at?"
One snooty young man looks up at him and says "At Hah-vahrd we do not end our sentences with prepositions."
The Texan looks at him and says "Awright, can y'all tell me where the library is at, A$$HOLE!"
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Momma," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Momma, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Momma!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Momma," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Momma, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook...."
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
you are going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of
silence and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.
My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all.
Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.
Signed, Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "its square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
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