Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: You'd probably lose your buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: You would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Bill Clinton and George W. go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"
Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?!?" the waitress repeats. "Sir, given the current situation in your personal and professional life, I don't think that's a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu." She walks away.
W. leans over to Clinton and says, "Bill, it's pronounced 'Quiche.'"
An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to
spade his chili garden, but it was very hard work. His only son,
Francisco, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a
letter to his son and described his predicament:
Oye Francisco,
I feeling pretty bad cuz I do not think
I will be able to plant my chili gardenz this year. I just
getting too viejo to dig a garden, but if you waz here,
all mi problemas wood be over. I know you wood dig the plot for me.
Siempre, tu Papi
A few days later he received a letter from his son:
Dear Papi,
Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I
buried the BODIES!
Love, Francisco
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police
showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from
his son.
Dear Papi,
Go ahead and plant the chilis now.
Its the best I could do.
Love, Francisco
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job". The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. And the starting salary is $200,000 a year".
The guy says, "You're bullshi**ing me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
A few years ago, before the start of the Iraq War.....
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said.
"This is Bubba down at the Ford Place in West Tennessee. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
"Well, Bubba," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
"Right now," said Bubba, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Larry Ray, my next door neighbor Marsell, and the entire coon huntin' club. That makes eight!"
Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Bubba, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Sonofa Gun!", said Bubba. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Bubba called again. "Mr Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Bubba?" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Larry Ray's farm tractor."
Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Bubba, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Sheeeyyiiiittttt!" said Bubba. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Bubba rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Marsell's crop-duster with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit. And we got us a Navy. We got four boys with a bass boat that have joined us as well!"
Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Bubba, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Hot Damm!", said Bubba, "I'll have to ring youback."
Sure enough, Bubba called again the next day. "Mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Well," said Bubba, "we've all had a long chat over a jug of shine, and decided there just ain't no way we can feed two million prisoners."
Little known fact is that elephants love peas. So what you do is dig a hole, well, big enough for and elephant. You fill it up with ashes, and put some peas in the middle. When the elephant bends down to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from old age dementia. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.
At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.
About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"
"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."
A blonde girl and her boyfriend were making out in the front seat of the car. The boy friend says "hey baby,ya wanna get in the backseat?" the blonde says "no."
They continue on making out, getting more into it so the boyfriend says "baby, ya wanna get in the backseat?" again, she says "no."
So they are making out more and more and the boyfriend asks one more time "wanna get in the backseat" and she says "no."
So the boyfriend finally asks "why don't you wanna get in the backseat?" she says "well, I wanna stay up here with you."
Two Jehovah's Witnesses were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."
Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem. His friend Doug noticed the dramatic change. "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."
"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, "Tom replied. "I haven't had a single qualm since."
"A thousand a week!" said Doug. "How are you going to pay him?"
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