Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
Dear Technical Support
18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several Other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Any ideas?
A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and then walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.
A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that, my friend, really bytes.
Applications you filled out for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup was in your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife
And paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was only the flu.
I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory I keep in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary stopped beside him on her new shiny bike.
"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation saying "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d!ck goes underneath the horse, not on top!"
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess" replied the weeping John. "It's all right. everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."
John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Massachusettsdriver never uses them.
Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.
Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.
Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.
Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare people entering the highway.
Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in Massachusetts during rush hour.
Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Massachusetts driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.
Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom driving like the Rt. 128 Speedway, thanks to the State Highway department, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.
It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.
Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.
In Massachusetts, 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
60 -- Californians put on sweaters.
50 -- Miami residents turn on the heat.
40 -- Minnesotans go swimming.
35 -- Italian cars don't start.
30 -- You plan your vacation to Australia; Minnesotans put on T-shirts
25 -- Californians weep pitiably; Canadians go swimming.
15 -- French cars don't start.
5 -- You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start.
0 -- Too cold to ice skate. Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 -- German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 -- You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 -- Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 -- You plan a two-week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-30 -- Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters.
-40 -- Your car helps you plan your trip South.
-50 -- Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close bathroom windows.
-60 -- Finns put on long pants.
-80 -- Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south.
-90 -- Politicians put their hands in their own pockets.
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names -- a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen, and Advil is ibuprofen.
The Industry has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.
Pfizer Inc. recently indicated that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do.
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "Oh, just drumming up a little business. I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
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