A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life.
He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.
"How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply.
"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?"
"How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.
"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock.
"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"
"Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down."
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks: Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!" Clarence would shout, "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup you!"
"Clarence!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup YOU!"
Every morning. Every day. For 20 years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge across the river. But the insults went on every morning. Every day. Another five years.
Finally, Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallered one day, "I can't take no more! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, thar's the bridge! Have at it!"
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "Yore raht! I'm gonna whup Clarence!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, then turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove under the bed.
"Rufus!" cried the missus. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence!"
"I was, woman, I was!" he whispered.
"What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," whispered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I walked halfway over the bridge and saw a sign that said 'Clarence, 13 feet, 6 inches.' He ain't never looked that big from across the river!"
Q. Why do pipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower; and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. What's the difference between a dead piper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. Why are a piper's fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q. "Hey, Buddy. How late does the pipe band play?''
A. "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.''
Q. Why do they call it a "kilt''?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the pipe player's Porsche.
Q. What's a piper's definition of "optimism''?
A. A piper with a beeper.
Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: A person who knows how to play the bagpipes but doesn't.
Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines. Boudreaux was flying da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff. Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around an Boudreaux got knock unconscience. Then da plane started driftin.
Pierre him come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out over da steerin wheel. Well, Pierre don't know notin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscence an I don know nutin about flyin dis plane!"
"Dis is da control tower," someone answer.
"Don you worry about nutin. We gonna splain how fo you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-on-tee! Jus leave arything ta us. Fus, how high are you an whas you position?"
Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."
"No! No!" answer da tower. "What's you altitude an where's you location?"
Pierre say, "Man ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Thibodeaux!"
"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da ground an how you plane's in relation to da airport!"
Pierre start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's an mine, we got four feet off da ground an I don believe dis plane's related to you airport!"
A long pause -- the silence was deafenin. "We needs to know who you next of kin is and where to send da flowers!"
This little story just proves that there are still people who think 'positively'... Enjoy!
The Church Organist
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. So (pointing to the bowl), he asked, "Miss Beatrice, I wonder if you would tell me about this?"
"Oh, yes“, she replied, “isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know . . . I haven't had a cold all winter."
Here's hoping you have a healthy winter!
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
...of sex, church and pancakes. Head's up - these are pretty bad
Teen age sex:
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small p***s.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"
"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns swapping stories about their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "Aye, We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and
a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?
"Aye, I was raise the mainsail an' as I looked up, a seagull crapped in me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to seagull $hit?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Aye..." said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.
On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay." And with that, he walked out of the room.
Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"
"And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch and he didn't come back."
These questions about Australia were (supposedly) posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the obviously tongue-in-cheek answers came from an Aussie.
Q: Does it ever rain in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So its true what they say about Swedes.
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: Let's not touch this one.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, right after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, but you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We
don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You
don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I
can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I
shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
----------------------------------
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
"dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our
things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my
items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so
she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how
much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy
that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had
no clue to what had just happened.
---------------------------------
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she
said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card
number, so she was using the ATM "thing"
---------------------------------
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need
some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery
to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think
they,( pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit
this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this
remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took
the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over
there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
-------------------------------
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With
that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
-------------------------------
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager
what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control"
and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
-------------------------------
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a
large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
-------------------------------
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on
his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.. The message
"He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button
each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the
"lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
------------------------------
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take
her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the dispatcher tells
her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I
just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
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