DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking. Almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.
In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.
And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood"
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple.
Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.
"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"
Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer.
One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him.
"What's the problem?" he asked.
"Someone stole a keg of beer, and the Best Man was caught "in the act" with the bride!", exclaimed the father.
The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.
A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!"
As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked "What happened to make you change your mind?"
Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
__________________
-Austin
2003 Toyota Tundra SR5 TRD Sport
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.
Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"
Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's your special day, not hers."
Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? You don't have any place to wear it."
Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"
...Now what women wouldn't like this story......Perfect Dress ..Perfect Justice
Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious
excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no b@lls. I'd say you must be French".
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."
Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
Grand Prix Race Announcer:"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."
Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."
Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.
At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that,before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said!?
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.
The old farmer told him he had buried them.
The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"
The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not.
Not really knowing an answer and just to be safe, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold, and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared for a cold winter.
Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"
The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."
So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.
Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again... "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely, we made a study," the weather man replies. "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"
An explorer spends a night camping in the jungle, and wakes up in the morning to find himself surrounded by spear-carrying natives.
"Uh oh," the guy mutters, "I'm screwed!"
A voice booms down from the Heavens, "No, you're not!"
The explorer says, "What?"
The voice from the clouds says, "Grab the spear from the nearest native and kill the chief."
So the guy grabs the spear out of the hands of the nearest native, darts forward, and plunges it into the chief's chest. The chief falls to the ground dead.
The explorer then asks the voice, "Now what?"
The voice from the clouds replies, "OK, NOW you're screwed...!"
Obedient male seeks female dog-lover for long walks, playing fetch, and cuddling on the couch. You bring the spiked collar; I've got the kibble.
Albino male seeking dark-skinned woman who will take me to movies and hand-feed me popcorn. Must love to stay inside with the blinds closed to keep out sunlight, and dread mornings.
Twenty-two-year-old male shut-in seeks Xena. Must be tall, in great shape, and have own leather bustier. The more you can slap me around, the better.
You will like me, damn it! And you will enjoy our date! When I call you the next day, you'd better answer! And you'd better not call the cops like the last guy did!
Princess trapped in a dead-end job looking for a knight in shining armor to rescue me. I'm a daddy's girl and always get my way, so be prepared to spend your life savings on me, and don't expect anything in return.
Middle-aged heir seeks suitable female for companionship, possible LTR. Family approval required unless mother takes her final bow before we meet.
Female telemarketer ISO phone relationship with man. Marital status unimportant since we'll never meet. Must be available for calls during the dinner hour.
Charlie B. ISO Lucy. Me: self-esteem issues and bad sweaters. You: rapier wit and a complete disregard for my ego. Big head optional.
Fifty-two-year-old empty-nester seeks young man to be her diaper-dandy. Crybabies and whiners only. Diapers, rattles, and spankings supplied.
Emotional invalid needs committed caretaker. Must be willing to put up with violent mood swings with ease and aplomb. No whiners.
I'm a retired auto mechanic with severe mood swings and depression. Overweight, two teeth, living in a trailer park, and passing time by picking my nose. You're the total opposite.
Mafia leader seeks sleazy woman who can dodge bullets, meet in rat-infested motels, and speak Russian. Must be able to keep a secret.
Desperately seeking schmoozing! Retired male desires female companion, 70-plus, for kvetching, kvelling, and kretchzing. Under 30 OK, too.
Road-kill collector in search of a companion who enjoys exotic pet animals like tigers and anacondas. Must be lazy and unwilling to compromise.
Light my fire! Amateur arsonist burns for woman to spark a relationship. You bring the matches; I'll bring the accelerant. Must look fetching in asbestos suit.
Gay football fan seeks same for weekend tailgating. Some travel required. Must be willing to dress up as team mascot for games and in bed.
I'm taut. I'm buff. I'm your secret Victoria come true. 38D-18-34, looking for someone who loves filmy lingerie and silk sheets. Occasional rashes may prevent me from responding right away.
I'm new to cannibalism and willing to sacrifice two remaining toes and at least one arm. You must have large, meaty breasts.
My hobbies include drooling, screaming in a silent library, smelling strangers' armpits in an elevator, and eating heads of cabbage. Seeking someone who belches uncontrollably, has halitosis, and is willing to drive me to Mexico.
I'm ape over you! Hirsute guy ISO amateur Jane Goodall to shave my hairy back and weave tapestry from the remnants.
High-maintenance woman demands deep-pocketed and attentive sugar daddy. Only those with huge bank accounts and tiny egos, please.
Petite mountaineeress seeks tall female for climbing. If you're under 6 feet tall, averse to ropes, or wary of long expeditions, don't apply
Sports nut ISO big-league jockette for long walks in the infield, dances in the end zone, and travel to any city with a major-league team.
Astrological sign is Aries; searching for a Leo, Virgo, or Pisces to discuss the alignment of the stars and last week's episode of "Friends." Must have blood type A .
Compulsive liar and con-woman looking to scam another unsuspecting male out of his hard-earned money. Large stock portfolio and Visa Gold Card are a must.
Single, unemployed female with several children out of wedlock is looking for a sugar daddy to support my children and me. Skills include nose-wiping and diaper-changing. Ear plugs included. No experience necessary.
Single, white, affluent male starting a savage cult; orders submissive, obedient followers to worship and praise my every move. No shirt, no shoes, no service.
Starving painter desires lonely, rich woman as patron. Must put up with my emotional instability and frequent trysts with nubile figure models.
Forty-seven-year-old desert-dweller looking for female companion who enjoys searching the sky for aliens. Recent abductees preferred.
Um ... yeah. I don't have a picture, but you'll, like, like me. Or something. So, um ... write me back, maybe? And, uh ... I guess that's, like, all. ... I guess.
Hoosier daddy. Belligerent Indiana hoops fanatic ISO passive gal for LTR. Must enjoy basketball, screaming, and chair-throwing. Hoops to hear from ya!
Modern-day Columbus longs to discover virgin territory to plunder. Are you willing to let me sail into your port and take you for everything you're worth?
Former member of the human race, recently become a celestial being, seeks like-minded ghost to terrorize and haunt locations such as attics, woods, and old houses by creaking the stairs, turning down the thermostat, etc.
Male bwana hunts big-game guy. You bring the fur coat; I'll bring the rifle. No animal-rights activists or vegetarians.
Born-again female Pentecostal seeks male acolyte for meaningful relationship and serpent-handling. Speaking in tongues a plus! God-fearing applicants only.
To be or not to be? Actor from famous theatrical family auditioning sexy partners. Must love hearing soliloquies and references to obscure Restoration comedies.
Searching for a male to argue with on a consistent basis about petty issues. Must have a good set of lungs to use during screaming matches.
Do you have a big head? Anime aficionado seeks big-headed woman to be my cartoon concubine. Cartoon-channel devotees especially encouraged to apply.
Lois Lane looking for my Superman. Must wear tight red spandex pants and prance around in a cape with a big "S" on the back, saving the lives of Metropolis citizens. Clark Kent need not apply.
They don't call it the Cork Screw for nothing. Male thrill-seeker ISO female for some roller coaster PDA. Make headlines and possible LTR!
Mama's boy, dependent on parents for income, is looking for a female who is family-oriented and wouldn't mind having my mom chaperone. No dog lovers please.
Female archaeologist ISO woman ripe for exploration. I'm particularly interested in surveying mounds and delving into hidden caches. Unplundered virgins only, please.
Male Mensa member with seriously low self-esteem seeks poorly educated but attractive idiot to make me feel better about myself. Gender irrelevant.
Rock-'n'-Roll Fantasy! Aging rocker seeks hot babe for tumultuous relationship. Must enjoy paparazzi and tabloid journalism. No monogamists.
Fifty-two-year-old male looking for a good time and/or a good secretary to become a companion and/or employee. Multiple positions available for both. Benefits included
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.
Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.
The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once", John explained.
"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough", Bob shouted angrily.
"Sure it will", John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost. "Look at him. He's scared to death to cough."
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