A man is standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter addresses him: “All you need to have done is one good deed, and we will allow you passage into heaven”
The man says, “No problem,” as he recounts to St. Peter that he once stopped at an intersection and saw a motorcycle gang harassing a young woman. He got out of his car, walked up to one of the bikers—who was over seven feet tall and must have weighed nearly 400 pounds—and told the biker that abusing and harassing a woman is a cowardly act and that he would not tolerate it in his presence. He then reached up, yanked out his nose ring and kicked him in the schnotz to make a point.
St. Peter is frantically searching the man’s life in his book in front of him and says, “I can’t find that incident anywhere in your file…when did that happen?”
The man looks down at his watch and says, “Oh, about five minutes ago.”
Brother John entered the ’Monastery of Silence’ and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Chief Priest said to him "Brother John,you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I’m sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said.
"We will get you a better bed."
After another five years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest.
"You may say another two words Brother John."
"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office.
"Two words you may say today."
"I Quit." said Brother John.
"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest.
"You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."
A woman posts an ad in her local newspaper that says "Looking for man who won't run out on me, won't hit me, and is good in bed"
a couple days later her doorbell rings, she opens the door to find a man on her doorstep with no arms and no legs. He says "I saw your ad in the paper and I think I'm your perfect guy. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you, I have no arms, so I can't hit you."
3 men go to heaven, when they get there Paul says, "You can do whatever you please, and go where ever you want. The only rule is 'Do not step on a duck' If you step on a duck, you will be handcuffed to the ugliest woman in heaven for eternity."
They agree and enter heaven. When the get in, there are ducks EVERYWHERE. The first guy trips and steps on a duck the second day. He is handcuffed to a horrible looking woman.
The other two start to be much more careful. About a year later, the second guy walks out of his house, and a duck steps right under his foot. Paul walks up with another horrible looking woman, and handcuffs her to the guy.
The third guy hears of his friends misfortune and creates a shoe that prevents him from ever stepping on a duck. 10 or 15 years later Paul walks up with a GORGEOUS blonde and handcuffs her to the guy. After Paul walks off, the man asks the girl, "are you my reward for doing so well?"
the girl says, "I don't know, I just stepped on a duck"
One day, a little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
The father decides he's going to have some fun with the kid and says "Well son, that is hard to say. God is a man and God is a woman. But at the same time, He is neither a man nor a woman."
Confused, the kid walks away.
Later the kid come to his father and asks "Daddy, is God white or black?"
Again, the father plays with the kid's head and says "Well son, that is hard to say too. God is both black and white but at the same time, He is neither black nor white."
Confused even further, the kid walks away.
Later the kid comes and asks his father "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
Two convicts were scheduled to be executed at midnight.
The warden comes to the first one and asks "Do you have a last request?"
The first convict says "Yes, I'd like you to play Achy Breaky Heart on the speaker when you turn on the juice in the needle, so I can hear it playing as I go."
The warden says, "Well, that's a rather odd request, but I'm sure we can arrange that." Then he turns to the second convict and says "How about you? Last request?"
Sven Olafssenn was taking an oral exam, applying for his US citizenship papers. He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly.
He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for da bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."
Two rednecks are at a Celtics game in Boston. Two elderly nuns are sitting directly in front of them. The rednecks decided to have a little fun with them.
The first redneck, speaking in a loud voice, says "Man, we should have went to the Knicks game in New York. There wouldn't be any CATHOLICS there."
The second redneck catches on and says "Yeah, we should have went to the Nets game in New Jersey, there sure wouldn't be any CATHOLICS there."
The first redneck then says "Or the Pistons game in Detroit, there wouldn't be any CATHOLICS there."
One of the nuns turns around and sweetly says "Why don't you go to HELL, you won't find any Catholics there either."
This is allegedly a true transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
(You can switch the soldier and the sailor around as necessary)
A soldier and a sailor were sitting next to each other on a train. In the two seats facing them sat a beautiful young coed, and a little old lady.
The train enters a tunnel, and in the darkness is heard the sound of a big wet kiss followed by the sound of a loud SLAP! When the train emerges from the tunnel, there is an uneasy quiet among the four as they nervously glance back and forth at each other.
The little old lady thinks to herself "Hmmph. One of those boys tried to get fresh with this young woman and she slapped him. Good for her!"
The beautiful young coed thinks to herself "Can you believe it? One of these jerks tried to kiss me but kissed this nice old lady by mistake and she slapped them. Good for here!"
The soldier thinks to himself, "This just isn't my day. This friggin' squid kissed one of these women and she slapped me instead."
The sailor thinks to himself, "Wow, this is great! I kiss the back of my hand, then slap this soldier, and I got away with it!"
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