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Off-TopicOff-topic and non-vehicle discussions.
This is a discussion thread titled "We Got Even MORE Jokes - Thread 4", within the Off-Topic forum, part of the General Forums category.
Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You."
Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes: My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning? ' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it? ' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award Shows: Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling .... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."
PS - you can always visit the 'We got more Jokes' thread here.
All a man really needs for happiness in this world is a good woman, a faithful dog, and a big-a$$ed set of tires on his truck.
__________________________________________________
Ride: 2001 Tundra SR5, 4WD, The Lean Mean Green Machine, Lift, Front: Bilstein 5100 Adjustable Shocks w/ Total Chaos Diff Drop, Lift, Rear: 1" Wheeler's Blocks, Wheels: Chromed Factory 4Runner Rims, 17", Tires: Bridgestone Revos, 285/70R-17, Performance: Unichip, Borla Exhaust, Optima Yellow-top Battery, Flux Capacitor, Interior: Dog Hair on Back Seat, Coffee Stains on Console, Bling: TRD Grille, Westin Nerf Bars, Clear Corners & Eurotails, Debadged, Audio: Scion T1808 Head Unit, Audiovox XM Express, Shark Fin Antenna, Other: Viair 450C compressor, 2.5 Gallon air tank, 4-Trumpet air horns, Eye Candy: Hottie Wife in Passenger Seat, Security System: Two Very Large Dogs
All a man really needs for happiness in this world is a good woman, a faithful dog, and a big-a$$ed set of tires on his truck.
__________________________________________________
Ride: 2001 Tundra SR5, 4WD, The Lean Mean Green Machine, Lift, Front: Bilstein 5100 Adjustable Shocks w/ Total Chaos Diff Drop, Lift, Rear: 1" Wheeler's Blocks, Wheels: Chromed Factory 4Runner Rims, 17", Tires: Bridgestone Revos, 285/70R-17, Performance: Unichip, Borla Exhaust, Optima Yellow-top Battery, Flux Capacitor, Interior: Dog Hair on Back Seat, Coffee Stains on Console, Bling: TRD Grille, Westin Nerf Bars, Clear Corners & Eurotails, Debadged, Audio: Scion T1808 Head Unit, Audiovox XM Express, Shark Fin Antenna, Other: Viair 450C compressor, 2.5 Gallon air tank, 4-Trumpet air horns, Eye Candy: Hottie Wife in Passenger Seat, Security System: Two Very Large Dogs
For months, soldiers at Camp Doha, Kuwait, have been wearing T-shirts that say, "Operation Iraqi Freedom: Mission Accomplished." But recently a new T-shirt has appeared suggesting that the mission may be more open-ended. It reads, "Operation Iraqi Freedom: Established 2003.
1945: A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people. 2003: A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.
Up in Heaven, Alexander the Great, Frederick the Great and Napoleon are looking down on events in Iraq. Alexander says, "Wow, if I had just one of Bush's armored divisions, I would definitely have conquered India." Frederick the Great states, "Surely if I only had a few squadrons of Bush's air force I would have won the Seven Years War decisively in a matter of weeks." There is a long pause as three continue to watch events. Then Napoleon speaks, "And if I only had that Fox News, no one would have ever known that I lost the Russia campaign."
Today, President Bush announced he's been mispronouncing the name of Iraq all along. He said it's actually pronounced Iran.
For the first time the people of Iraq are united. Today on CNN I saw a Kurd, a Shiite and a member of the Republican Guard coming together to cart off a big screen TV.
Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favors, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under the table from contractors. You know what this means? They already have an American-style democracy.
We have an important decision to make now about who controls Iraq. You know, that's a critical question, because it's who we're going to be fighting in five to ten years.
Yesterday American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back.
CNN said there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded.
President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.
It looks like they finally found Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq; they found a vile of a toxic blistering agent that had been weaponized with a spray. In other news, a CNN reporter lost her mace.
The person who turned in Saddam Hussein received an award of $25 million: Do you know what he said when he opened the check from the United States government: Wait just one second, this doesn't look right, $16.7 million, what is this FICA?
The Bush administration is trying to change the perception that it is anti-French and says that the French are great allies of America. Nevertheless, they did leak a document which claims that the Statute of Liberty was actually built with child labor.
The Bush administration renewed its call for a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. So I guess they feel the only time that guys should be on top of each other naked is in an Iraqi prison.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld told senators that the Geneva convention on prisoner's rights applies in Iraq, but not for prisoners held in Guantanamo Bay. When asked what the difference was Rumsfeld said that nobody has pictures of Guantanamo Bay.
Who would have ever thought that more naked pictures would come out under the Bush administration than under the Clinton administration?
Donald Rumsfeld testified before Congress today. Donald Rumsfeld said he didn't read the report on Iraqi prisoners because it was too long and it contained too much information. When he heard this, President Bush said 'Hey that's my line.
From: Chief of Operations, Emergency Medical Services
Subject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh!t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "tits up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), CTB (circle the buzzards), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.
All a man really needs for happiness in this world is a good woman, a faithful dog, and a big-a$$ed set of tires on his truck.
__________________________________________________
Ride: 2001 Tundra SR5, 4WD, The Lean Mean Green Machine, Lift, Front: Bilstein 5100 Adjustable Shocks w/ Total Chaos Diff Drop, Lift, Rear: 1" Wheeler's Blocks, Wheels: Chromed Factory 4Runner Rims, 17", Tires: Bridgestone Revos, 285/70R-17, Performance: Unichip, Borla Exhaust, Optima Yellow-top Battery, Flux Capacitor, Interior: Dog Hair on Back Seat, Coffee Stains on Console, Bling: TRD Grille, Westin Nerf Bars, Clear Corners & Eurotails, Debadged, Audio: Scion T1808 Head Unit, Audiovox XM Express, Shark Fin Antenna, Other: Viair 450C compressor, 2.5 Gallon air tank, 4-Trumpet air horns, Eye Candy: Hottie Wife in Passenger Seat, Security System: Two Very Large Dogs
Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.
Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.
For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.
Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face.
Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.
All a man really needs for happiness in this world is a good woman, a faithful dog, and a big-a$$ed set of tires on his truck.
__________________________________________________
Ride: 2001 Tundra SR5, 4WD, The Lean Mean Green Machine, Lift, Front: Bilstein 5100 Adjustable Shocks w/ Total Chaos Diff Drop, Lift, Rear: 1" Wheeler's Blocks, Wheels: Chromed Factory 4Runner Rims, 17", Tires: Bridgestone Revos, 285/70R-17, Performance: Unichip, Borla Exhaust, Optima Yellow-top Battery, Flux Capacitor, Interior: Dog Hair on Back Seat, Coffee Stains on Console, Bling: TRD Grille, Westin Nerf Bars, Clear Corners & Eurotails, Debadged, Audio: Scion T1808 Head Unit, Audiovox XM Express, Shark Fin Antenna, Other: Viair 450C compressor, 2.5 Gallon air tank, 4-Trumpet air horns, Eye Candy: Hottie Wife in Passenger Seat, Security System: Two Very Large Dogs
A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying
Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The
son (who had been looking out the window) turned to
his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and
cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby
planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told
her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy
dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have
baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes
have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother
tell you to ask me that?" The little boy admitted
that she did.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no
baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on
time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in... P.. E... N...I...S.
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
All a man really needs for happiness in this world is a good woman, a faithful dog, and a big-a$$ed set of tires on his truck.
__________________________________________________
Ride: 2001 Tundra SR5, 4WD, The Lean Mean Green Machine, Lift, Front: Bilstein 5100 Adjustable Shocks w/ Total Chaos Diff Drop, Lift, Rear: 1" Wheeler's Blocks, Wheels: Chromed Factory 4Runner Rims, 17", Tires: Bridgestone Revos, 285/70R-17, Performance: Unichip, Borla Exhaust, Optima Yellow-top Battery, Flux Capacitor, Interior: Dog Hair on Back Seat, Coffee Stains on Console, Bling: TRD Grille, Westin Nerf Bars, Clear Corners & Eurotails, Debadged, Audio: Scion T1808 Head Unit, Audiovox XM Express, Shark Fin Antenna, Other: Viair 450C compressor, 2.5 Gallon air tank, 4-Trumpet air horns, Eye Candy: Hottie Wife in Passenger Seat, Security System: Two Very Large Dogs
It was fun being a baby boomer...till now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:
Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
Ringo Starr - I Get By With a Little Help from Depends
Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon - Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver
Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom
Marvin Gaye - I Heard it Through the GrapeNuts
Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade of Hair
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations - Papa's Got a Kidney Stone
Abba - Denture Queen
Tony Orlando - Knock Three Times on the Ceiling if You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy - I am Woman, Hear me Snore
Willie Nelson - On the Throne Again
Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure and I'll Cry if I Want To
All a man really needs for happiness in this world is a good woman, a faithful dog, and a big-a$$ed set of tires on his truck.
__________________________________________________
Ride: 2001 Tundra SR5, 4WD, The Lean Mean Green Machine, Lift, Front: Bilstein 5100 Adjustable Shocks w/ Total Chaos Diff Drop, Lift, Rear: 1" Wheeler's Blocks, Wheels: Chromed Factory 4Runner Rims, 17", Tires: Bridgestone Revos, 285/70R-17, Performance: Unichip, Borla Exhaust, Optima Yellow-top Battery, Flux Capacitor, Interior: Dog Hair on Back Seat, Coffee Stains on Console, Bling: TRD Grille, Westin Nerf Bars, Clear Corners & Eurotails, Debadged, Audio: Scion T1808 Head Unit, Audiovox XM Express, Shark Fin Antenna, Other: Viair 450C compressor, 2.5 Gallon air tank, 4-Trumpet air horns, Eye Candy: Hottie Wife in Passenger Seat, Security System: Two Very Large Dogs
On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
I took a drink from my can of Budweiser, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray ban Sunglasses and stared directly at this nosey neighbor. Then calmly replied, "I am, that's why she cuts the grass."
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever.
Men are so easy.
It appeared in The Atlanta Journal.
__________________ 2001 Toyota Sequoia SR5
Exterior: Waag (front, rear & taillights) brush gaurd, 20% tinted front windows to match all around, bug guard, Silvania Silverstar H4 bulbs, DRL disabled, Piaa 580 driving lights, OEM foglights, Piaa 1100x Platinum (reverse) lights, 20" Enkei Deep 6 (TRD) machine polished wheels with 285/55/20 BFGoodrich g-Force T/A KDW-2 tires.
Interior: Compustar 2WSS-AS (alarm with remote start) security system and pager, Optima Yellow Top Batter, Clarion VRX935vd headunit, Escort Passport 8500 Radar/Laser Detector (hardwired), 3G 20gb Ipod and custom-made Ipod holder, (2) 12" Rockford Fosgate Punch HX2's in a ported plexiglass fish tank powered by a Rockford Fosgate 1001bd 1000 watt amp.
Performance: JBA Titanium Coated headers, Unichip (waiting to be re-flashed), SP Performance slotted (front + rear) rotors, Hawk HPS (front) and Street Plus Performance (rear) brake pads. March 06: Just added the Borla Dual Exhaust(side exit)!! It sounds beautiful!!!
Suspension: 2" front lift by Bilstein 5100 coilovers and rear yellow Bilstein shocks.
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
__________________
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.
MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.
All a man really needs for happiness in this world is a good woman, a faithful dog, and a big-a$$ed set of tires on his truck.
__________________________________________________
Ride: 2001 Tundra SR5, 4WD, The Lean Mean Green Machine, Lift, Front: Bilstein 5100 Adjustable Shocks w/ Total Chaos Diff Drop, Lift, Rear: 1" Wheeler's Blocks, Wheels: Chromed Factory 4Runner Rims, 17", Tires: Bridgestone Revos, 285/70R-17, Performance: Unichip, Borla Exhaust, Optima Yellow-top Battery, Flux Capacitor, Interior: Dog Hair on Back Seat, Coffee Stains on Console, Bling: TRD Grille, Westin Nerf Bars, Clear Corners & Eurotails, Debadged, Audio: Scion T1808 Head Unit, Audiovox XM Express, Shark Fin Antenna, Other: Viair 450C compressor, 2.5 Gallon air tank, 4-Trumpet air horns, Eye Candy: Hottie Wife in Passenger Seat, Security System: Two Very Large Dogs
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
All a man really needs for happiness in this world is a good woman, a faithful dog, and a big-a$$ed set of tires on his truck.
__________________________________________________
Ride: 2001 Tundra SR5, 4WD, The Lean Mean Green Machine, Lift, Front: Bilstein 5100 Adjustable Shocks w/ Total Chaos Diff Drop, Lift, Rear: 1" Wheeler's Blocks, Wheels: Chromed Factory 4Runner Rims, 17", Tires: Bridgestone Revos, 285/70R-17, Performance: Unichip, Borla Exhaust, Optima Yellow-top Battery, Flux Capacitor, Interior: Dog Hair on Back Seat, Coffee Stains on Console, Bling: TRD Grille, Westin Nerf Bars, Clear Corners & Eurotails, Debadged, Audio: Scion T1808 Head Unit, Audiovox XM Express, Shark Fin Antenna, Other: Viair 450C compressor, 2.5 Gallon air tank, 4-Trumpet air horns, Eye Candy: Hottie Wife in Passenger Seat, Security System: Two Very Large Dogs
We Got Even MORE Jokes - Thread 4
Religious Experience
