We Got Jokes!!! - Read Only -

[MustangSally]

Okay everyone...

This is the thread to post your jokes in. Looking forward to seeing some of those jokes that were on the old forum.

When posting, please remember that this is a family site. We have members age 13+, so we need to keep it fairly PG-rated.

Please refer to What are the guidelines and rules in posting? in the FAQ for details regarding the type of material you may not post.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me or any of the other Super Moderators.

~Sally

[T'sTOY]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time.

"The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," He explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though."

[MustangSally]

Subject: Weathermen

The state of Michigan has been laughing for days, and a very embarrassed female news anchor will probably from now on think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

He was laughing so hard he had to leave the set

[Raoul]

Two guys get laid off from their factory and go down to the unemployment office. The clerk asks Joe if he was 'skilled' or 'unskilled' labor. Joe says he doesn't know so, she asked him what he did. He said he stitched ladies panties and she said,
"Well, that sounds like unskilled labor to me."

Then she asked the other guy, Raoul, what he did and he said he was a diesel fitter. She said, "Oh, that's skilled labor".

Joe got mad and said "Hey, he worked right beside me on the assembly line! I stitched the panties and all he did was put them on his head and say, 'Diesel fitter'!"

[Mike in LA]

I posted these two last week just before the site died. I hope that it doesn't happen again

The Whistler

A new young MD doing his residency in o.b. was quite embarrassed performing female exams and had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly to cover his embarrassment.

The young lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He snarled "just what is so funny madam?" She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Weiner'!"

Retribution

There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door. When the madam came to answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, he had the money to buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it. The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once he got in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. But he said he'd heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and get shots after making love with Mabel, and THAT was the girl he wanted. Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and headed out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others. He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter home, and on the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed, they'll have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when dad goes to work, the milkman will deliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie with Mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bit## who ran over my FROG!!"

Mike

[Boone]

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"

The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

Ya know - this isn't very pc after I read it, sorry if it offends anyone.

[CATiger]

In honor of that sappy, card-giving holiday we call Valentine's Day:

CARDS YOU WILL NEVER SEE IN A HALLMARK STORE:

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire. I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mend. Here's a bouquet of flowers, and a box of Depends.

4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

5. Heard your wife left you. How upset you must be. But don't fret about it, She moved in with me

6. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What the HELL was I thinking?

7. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life. I never believed in Hell until I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me.

10. As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy...

11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

12. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

13. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

14. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday-so we're having you put to sleep.

15. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!! (available only in Redneck counties)

[molecule]

Subject: Amish Computer Virus Message:

You have just received the Amish computer virus. Because we don't have any computers, or programming experience, this virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files from your hard drive and<br />hand-deliver this virus to everyone on your mailing list.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Sincerely,

The Amish Computer Engineering Department

[seanblakley]

Shortened Version

A couple had 2 little boys ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. The two were always getting into trouble and their parents could be certain that if any mischeif occured in the town, their 2 boys were behind it. The parents were at their wits end as to what do do about their sons behavior. The couple had heard of a clergyman in town who had been successful in disciplining children in the past, so they contacted him. He agreed to give it his best shot. He asked to see the boys one at a time, so the eight year old was brought in first. The clergyman sat the boy down and asked him sternly "where is God?" The boy made no responce, so the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer, so the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boys face, "WHERE IS GOD?" At that, the boy bolted from the room, ran directly home, and slamed himself in his closet. His older brother followed him into the closet and said, "What happened?" The younger brother replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing and they think we did it!!!"

Sean

[Boone]

Tom Clancy: "I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."

Steve Martin: "You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."

Drew Carey: "Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good."

Woody Allen: "Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

George Burns: "It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

Matt Barry: "Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."

Camille Paglia: "Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

George Burns: "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."

Lynn Lavner: "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL convertible."

[Breathing Borla]

Here's some 2nd grade for ya

Why did the condom cross the road?

It got pissed off!!

[fdjanzen]

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all.

"Do you have trouble crapping?" "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

Frank

[molecule]

Subject: George, Bill & Al

Once upon a time, long, long ago there was a Presidential election that was too close to call. Neither the Republican presidential candidate nor the Democratic presidential candidate had enough votes to win the election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice-fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner.

There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the (manly) way settle things. The candidate that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

After a lot of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin.

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, George W. returns to the starting line and he has 10 fish. Soon, Al Gore returns and has zero fish.

Well, everyone assumes he is just having another bad hair day or something and hopefully, he will catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day George W. comes in with 20 fish and Al Gore comes in again with none.

That evening, Bill Clinton gets together secretly with Al and says, "Al, I think George W. is a low-life cheatin' son-of-a-gun.

I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way. The next night (after George W. comes back with 50 fish) Bill Clinton says to Al, "Well, what about it, is George W. cheatin'?"

"He sure is, Bill, he's cutting holes in the ice

[Buzzard]

Two girls were talking about their boy friends. One of them remarked that her boyfriend had really bad dandruff. The first girl said " Why dont you give him some Head and Shoulders?". After thinking for a while and with a puzzled look on her face she asked "How do you give shoulders?"

[SGull]

Two blondes were walking down the street. One notices a ladies compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says,"Hmmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says"Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says,"You idiot, it's me!"