: We Got More Jokes!!! -Thread 3-



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Salty_Dog
01-30-2005, 04:23 PM
A man is standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter addresses him: “All you need to have done is one good deed, and we will allow you passage into heaven”

The man says, “No problem,” as he recounts to St. Peter that he once stopped at an intersection and saw a motorcycle gang harassing a young woman. He got out of his car, walked up to one of the bikers—who was over seven feet tall and must have weighed nearly 400 pounds—and told the biker that abusing and harassing a woman is a cowardly act and that he would not tolerate it in his presence. He then reached up, yanked out his nose ring and kicked him in the schnotz to make a point.

St. Peter is frantically searching the man’s life in his book in front of him and says, “I can’t find that incident anywhere in your file…when did that happen?”

The man looks down at his watch and says, “Oh, about five minutes ago.”


Psst - check out the "We Got Jokes" thread here (http://www.tundrasolutions.com/forums/showthread.php?t=26387) ;)

Salty_Dog
01-30-2005, 04:26 PM
Brother John entered the ’Monastery of Silence’ and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Chief Priest said to him "Brother John,you have been here five years now, you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard Bed."

"I’m sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said.

"We will get you a better bed."

After another five years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest.

"You may say another two words Brother John."

"Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office.

"Two words you may say today."

"I Quit." said Brother John.

"It is probably best." said the Chief Priest.

"You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."

rx7vert
01-30-2005, 06:57 PM
Some of you have probably heard this before.

A woman posts an ad in her local newspaper that says "Looking for man who won't run out on me, won't hit me, and is good in bed"

a couple days later her doorbell rings, she opens the door to find a man on her doorstep with no arms and no legs. He says "I saw your ad in the paper and I think I'm your perfect guy. I have no legs, so I can't run out on you, I have no arms, so I can't hit you."

she says, "But I also said good in bed"

he says, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

rx7vert
01-30-2005, 07:04 PM
3 men go to heaven, when they get there Paul says, "You can do whatever you please, and go where ever you want. The only rule is 'Do not step on a duck' If you step on a duck, you will be handcuffed to the ugliest woman in heaven for eternity."

They agree and enter heaven. When the get in, there are ducks EVERYWHERE. The first guy trips and steps on a duck the second day. He is handcuffed to a horrible looking woman.

The other two start to be much more careful. About a year later, the second guy walks out of his house, and a duck steps right under his foot. Paul walks up with another horrible looking woman, and handcuffs her to the guy.

The third guy hears of his friends misfortune and creates a shoe that prevents him from ever stepping on a duck. 10 or 15 years later Paul walks up with a GORGEOUS blonde and handcuffs her to the guy. After Paul walks off, the man asks the girl, "are you my reward for doing so well?"

the girl says, "I don't know, I just stepped on a duck"

Salty_Dog
01-31-2005, 06:21 AM
A Jewish mother gave her son two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visited her, he made sure to wear one.

As he walked into the house, his mother frowned and said, "What's the matter? You didn't like the other one?"

Salty_Dog
01-31-2005, 08:29 AM
One day, a little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

The father decides he's going to have some fun with the kid and says "Well son, that is hard to say. God is a man and God is a woman. But at the same time, He is neither a man nor a woman."

Confused, the kid walks away.

Later the kid come to his father and asks "Daddy, is God white or black?"

Again, the father plays with the kid's head and says "Well son, that is hard to say too. God is both black and white but at the same time, He is neither black nor white."

Confused even further, the kid walks away.

Later the kid comes and asks his father "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

Salty_Dog
01-31-2005, 08:40 AM
Two convicts were scheduled to be executed at midnight.

The warden comes to the first one and asks "Do you have a last request?"

The first convict says "Yes, I'd like you to play Achy Breaky Heart on the speaker when you turn on the juice in the needle, so I can hear it playing as I go."

The warden says, "Well, that's a rather odd request, but I'm sure we can arrange that." Then he turns to the second convict and says "How about you? Last request?"

The second convict says "Yeah. Kill me first."

Salty_Dog
01-31-2005, 08:42 AM
Sven Olafssenn was taking an oral exam, applying for his US citizenship papers. He was asked to spell "cultivate," and he spelled it correctly.

He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded: "Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for da bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home."

Salty_Dog
01-31-2005, 08:47 AM
Q: What's the difference between a Jewish mother and a pitbull?

A: Eventually, the pitbull will let go.

Salty_Dog
01-31-2005, 09:03 AM
Two rednecks are at a Celtics game in Boston. Two elderly nuns are sitting directly in front of them. The rednecks decided to have a little fun with them.

The first redneck, speaking in a loud voice, says "Man, we should have went to the Knicks game in New York. There wouldn't be any CATHOLICS there."

The second redneck catches on and says "Yeah, we should have went to the Nets game in New Jersey, there sure wouldn't be any CATHOLICS there."

The first redneck then says "Or the Pistons game in Detroit, there wouldn't be any CATHOLICS there."

One of the nuns turns around and sweetly says "Why don't you go to HELL, you won't find any Catholics there either."

Salty_Dog
01-31-2005, 09:21 AM
Great Religious Truths

1. Muslims do not recognize Judaism as a religion.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

Salty_Dog
01-31-2005, 09:27 AM
Why can't men get Mad Cow Disease?

Because men are pigs.

Salty_Dog
01-31-2005, 09:30 AM
The stockbroker's secretary answered his phone one morning. "I'm sorry," she said, "Mr. Bradford's on another line."

"This is Mr. Ingram's office," the caller said. "We'd like to know if he's bullish or bearish right now."

"He's talking to his wife," the secretary replied. "Right now I'd say he's a little sheepish."

Salty_Dog
01-31-2005, 09:33 AM
This is allegedly a true transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Salty_Dog
01-31-2005, 10:14 AM
(You can switch the soldier and the sailor around as necessary)

A soldier and a sailor were sitting next to each other on a train. In the two seats facing them sat a beautiful young coed, and a little old lady.

The train enters a tunnel, and in the darkness is heard the sound of a big wet kiss followed by the sound of a loud SLAP! When the train emerges from the tunnel, there is an uneasy quiet among the four as they nervously glance back and forth at each other.

The little old lady thinks to herself "Hmmph. One of those boys tried to get fresh with this young woman and she slapped him. Good for her!"

The beautiful young coed thinks to herself "Can you believe it? One of these jerks tried to kiss me but kissed this nice old lady by mistake and she slapped them. Good for here!"

The soldier thinks to himself, "This just isn't my day. This friggin' squid kissed one of these women and she slapped me instead."

The sailor thinks to himself, "Wow, this is great! I kiss the back of my hand, then slap this soldier, and I got away with it!"

Salty_Dog
02-01-2005, 07:26 AM
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. In fact, I'm a little tipsy right now.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her body in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

The driver is then given a breathalyzer test. He passes with flying colors.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

Salty_Dog
02-01-2005, 07:29 AM
Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony.

"Help, help!" yells one of the blondes.

"Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

"Together! Together!"

Salty_Dog
02-01-2005, 07:39 AM
No beer. No booze. No bars. No television. No cheerleaders. No baseball. No football. No basketball. No hockey. No golf. No tailgate parties. No Hooters. No pork BBQ. No hot-dogs. No burgers. No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.

Rags for clothes, towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and there are no doctors.

24 hour wailing from a guy in the tower.

No chocolate chip cookies. No Christmas.

You can't shave; your wife can't shave.

You can't shower to wash off the smell of goat cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else, she smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you it all gets better when you die.

No wonder terrorists line up to be Suicide Bombers.

Ryone
02-01-2005, 08:38 AM
Who believes in telekinesis?... raise my hand.

Salty_Dog
02-01-2005, 08:41 AM
A priest and rabbi lived in a small town and were good friends. When they discovered that neither could afford a car on his own, they decided to pool their funds and share a car.

As soon as the new car arrived, the priest rushed out and sprinkled it with holy water. "There", he said, "Now it's fit for a priest to drive".

When the rabbi saw this, he rushed inside his house. A few minutes later, he came out with a hacksaw and carefully cut half an inch off the tail pipe.

Salty_Dog
02-01-2005, 08:43 AM
How much does corn cost for a pirate?

A buccaneer............<golf clap>

I thought the definition of a Buccaneer was "A helluva price to pay for corn."

atrdnut
02-01-2005, 08:47 AM
What do you call a girl with one leg?
Eileen

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the floor?
Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the water?
Bob

What do you call a man with no legs?
Neal

(does anyone have any more of these silly jokes?)

Salty_Dog
02-01-2005, 09:00 AM
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in Hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the line waiting to be processed into Hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in Hell!

C: Hell's not so bad -- we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

G: Sure, I love to drink.

C: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and
as much as you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?

G: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

C: You'll love Tuesdays, then. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's content without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You're gonna' really love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?

G: Well, I experimented a little in my younger days...

C: Then you are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about
overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You'll love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?

G: Yes, I love to gamble.

C: You are going to love Thursdays then because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You're going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?

G: Well, no I'm not.

C: Oh ... [winces], well then, you're really gonna hate Fridays ...

TundrastruckDave
02-01-2005, 11:33 AM
SON SAYS: Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah... well son, one day, you will need to find out anyway, so let's see if I can explain this! Well, Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date [via e-mail] with your mom and we met at a cybercafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Well, since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later, the blessed little virus appeared. And that's the story... :D

Salty_Dog
02-01-2005, 11:57 AM
You may be a caffiene addict if:

you think sleep is for the weak.

you've just had your 20th cup of coffee within 20 minutes on a Friday afternoon, at 4 o'clock, just so "the milk doesn't go bad over the weekend."

you believe that the coffee bean is a vegetable.

you have a website about caffeine.

you hve an email address forJuan Valdez.

your heart beats noticeably faster as a reaction to the smell of coffee.

your heart rate is always in triple digits.

you know from experience caffeine tablets don't dissolve in cola.

you wake up to Mountain Dew, before switching to JOLT.

you can name the five flavors of JOLT.

you have a mini-fridge under your desk... and a catheter.

you drink decaf by accident and slip into a coma.

you ask, "Sleep? What's that?"

you go to the doctor because you're afraid there might be blood in your Mountain Dew stream.

every coffee company wants to have your picture on their coffe cans.

your heart only beats twice an hour and your eyes won't shut anymore.

your wife asked you to buy milk, bread and butter and you heard "buy coffee, coffee and coffee."

your slogan is "Save water, drink coffee."

your child's name is Nescafe.

Mountain Dew is the stuff great decisions are made of.

Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.you've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.

you regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.

you have tattooed across the knuckles of your hands "JOLT" and "COLA"

your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.

you go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.

your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.

you've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.

you've ever knelt and prayed before a Starbuck's logo.

your web page has the Mountain Dew color scheme.

you can't remember the last time you blinked.

you have on more than one occasion snorted instant coffee.

you have distilled Jolt Cola to make it more potent.

you have dark brown colored hair but you are a natural blonde and have never dyed it.

the dishes in your house are all coffee cups.

your dog's name is Folgers.

you see nothing wrong with using water joe (the caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.

you believe that sleep is simply a poor substitute for sleep.

it's 6:09 AM and you're on your 2nd 20oz. cup of coffee.

you have to drink some form of caffeinated beverage just to sleep.

you'd rather be beaten over the head with a sledgehammer than give up that first cup of coffee in the morning.

you've given up sex, TV, and all forms of meat for Lent before, but STILL can't make it 40 days without caffeine.

you could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.

you suck on a used coffee filter (full of coffee grounds) whenever the can runs out of coffee.

you dip espresso beans.

Salty_Dog
02-01-2005, 12:22 PM
You may be a Monty Python fan if...

just by listening, you can tell which voice belongs to which Python.

you can recite whole scenes and gags by yourself AND do all the right voices.

you correct others when they get a teeny part of the script wrong.

then you insult their parents with a French accent, saying 'Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!'

you've tried to do a Silly Walk.

you have ever tried to teach someone The Knights of Ni's new name: "The Knights who Say Ecki-ecki-ecki-ecki-p'clang-zoop-boing-g'berz'howliziv"

when you see something dead and you yell to whomever is behind you.. "I think we 'ave an eater."

you see decapitation on TV and comment, "It's just a flesh wound."

you actually have a book of Armaments in your copy of the bible.

you think someone with fresh fruit is dangerous.

you see someone swimming, and yell "it's a witch!!!"

...and ask to weigh them against a duck.

you act as if you're dying when someone says the word "knee."

...or "it".

all questions are asked in 3 parts.

you constantly end sentences with, "Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more!"

you're terrified of rabbits.

whenever you see a rabbit you say "that's no ordinary rabbit, that's the most cruel, vile and vicious rodent you ever set eyes on!"

you're at the grocery and the butcher is wheeling a cart of meat to the counter and you say "Bring out your dead!"

you've ever tried to buy a license for your pet fish named Eric.

you've actually tried to research the velocity of an unladen swallow.

....both African and European!

you see a dead animal (especially a bird) and automatically exclaim, "THIS is an EX-PARROT."

whenever someone begins, "I didn't expect..." you interrupt with, "Nooobody expects the Spanish Inquistion."

you have ever told someone to bring a shrubbery before entering your house.

you always refer to yourself as an upper-class twit, and pretend to jump over match boxes.

you search through the TV guide every night, hoping to find the "Twit of the Year" show.

you have learned how not to be seen.

your excuse for when you lose something is "Aaaaaaaaw! The cat's eaten it!"

you can quote every word from The Holy Grail.

you've actually won the Quest for the Holy Grail game.

your friends show off their house and you say: "It's only a model."

someone asks you something and you respond with "A fair question and one that for weeks has been much on my mind."

you know the "Philosophers Song" by heart.

you take a college class in philosophy to learn why Immanuel Kant was a real pissant.

Mom asked you what do you want for dinner and you say, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM!!

you're still trying to find a man with three buttocks.

you tell people that you fart in their general direction.

when counting you always go "1,2, 5( three sir!) 3!!!"

you have ever tried "street climbing."

you keep walking back and forth by someone saying "good morning....good morning...."

you believe your name is Dinsdale and your being chased by a forty foot hedgehog named "Spiny Norman."

you visit a farm and are amazed that the sheep don't have wings.

you eat, wear, burn, and feed the cat lupins.

people around you feel queasy after a meal, you casually mention "I didn't have the fish" and laugh to no one in particular.

you skip through the house making horse sounds with coconuts.

when in a restaurant, you can't resist taking the napkin, knotting the corners, and wearing it like a hat.

after telling someone your profession, you immediately add "...but I always wanted to be a LUMBERJACK!"

you suddenly change the subject by saying "And now for something completely different..."

you named your website Weasels and Spit

when, after coming in from doing hard work, someone asked you what you've been doing you've ever replied "I just spent four hours buryin' the cat."

you have ever responded to someone asking where something is by saying "Is it behind the rabbit?"

your birthday/Christmas wish list has "a holy hand granade" as your number one wish.

all of your comebacks/insults are in an "outrrrrrrrrrageous accent."

somebody wishes to move past you (vehicle, etc.) you quote the bridge scene.

when someone asks your name you say "(in a thundering voice) Some people call me. . . (quieter) [your name here].

if you find yourself saying "NI" to people that you don't like.

you have a perfect cockney accent... and you've never been to England.

you find yourself saying "tis only a scratch" when you are bleeding to death and laughing about it through the pain.

you have all the CD's with songs on them, and people catch you singing them to yourself.

you watched "As Good As It Gets" and snickered when Jack Nicholson played "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life," not because of the irony of it all, but because you remember the song from "Life of Brian."

rx7vert
02-01-2005, 04:05 PM
What do you call a girl with one leg?
Eileen

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on the wall?
Art

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying on the floor?
Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the water?
Bob

What do you call a man with no legs?
Neal

(does anyone have any more of these silly jokes?)


what do you call a man with no arms and no legs trying to water ski?
Skip

MrBeanley
02-01-2005, 05:51 PM
What do you call a paraplegic in the bottom of the sink?


"Dwayne!"

sequoiasoon
02-01-2005, 09:25 PM
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied. And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can." Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're crapping all over the bed!

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 09:32 AM
what do you call a man with no arms and no legs trying to water ski?
Skip

(You didn't really think I wouldn't chime in on this, did you?)

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a gully?
Rocky

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a field of marijuana?
Bud

What do you call an electrician with no arms and no legs?
Sparky

What do you call a plumber with no arms and no legs?
Wet

What do you call two guys with no arms or legs hanging over your window?
Curt n' Rod

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that fell in a campfire?
Bernie

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs buried 6 feet under?
Doug

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs buried 3 feet under?
Douglas

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs and no torso?
Dick

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a baseball team?
First base

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a tiger cage?
Claude

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs boiling in a pot?
Stu

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs who was stuck on a femce?
Barb

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that worked at the soda plant?
Tab

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs that sits on top of a podium?
Mike

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs under your car?
Jack

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in your mail box?
Bill

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs rolling around on the beach?
Sandy

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole in the ground?
Phil

What do you call a lady with just one leg?
Eileen

What do you call a Chinese lady with just one leg?
Irene

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs trying to hold-up a bank?
Rob

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other, married to a politician?
Tipper

What do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a dirt road?
Dusty

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs who left a smudge on your floor?
Mark

What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs flying over a fence?
Homer

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Frank

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs sitting on a grill?
Patty

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs sitting in a pile of leaves?
Russell

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs laying in a hole?
Phil

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs buried in the garden?
Pete

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on a catapult?
Chuck

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs tied to a boat?
Doc

What do you call a cat with no legs?
Dogfood

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come when you call him anyway.

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 09:37 AM
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.

The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.

Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once."

"Well, how did he look?"

"Very angry."

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

"He was looking through the window at us."

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 09:39 AM
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time a big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 09:42 AM
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals."

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 09:43 AM
Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law."

The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 10:44 AM
A guy walks into his bedroom with two asprin and a glass of water.

His wife says "What's this for?"

He says "It's for your headache."

She: "But I don't have a headache."

He: "AH HA!"

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 10:52 AM
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 10:54 AM
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman type person and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."

A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus"

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 11:05 AM
When arguing with a woman, remember this:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is considered the start of a new argument.

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 11:09 AM
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Cincinnati Bengals jersey and helmet, and is festooned with Bengal pom-poms. The bartender says, "Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave."

The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place around where we can see the game."

After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game. The big game begins with the Bengals receiving the kickoff. They march down field, get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal.

Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"

The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him for three years."

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 11:13 AM
A bossy businessman had to go to the hospital for some tests. He quickly earned a bad reputation after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees.

One morning a nurse entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing.

After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 11:21 AM
A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a Scooby Snack and offers it to the guide dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded: "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the a$$."

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 11:26 AM
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asked the man if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he said, "the seat is empty".

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sport event in the world, and not use it ?"

Somberly, the man says, "Well... the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we have not been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at her funeral."

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 12:06 PM
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 12:10 PM
A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic.

So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could. When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%. Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.

And I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler..."

Salty_Dog
02-02-2005, 12:16 PM
Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. "It's a very handy thing," God told the couple, who he found under an apple tree. "I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.

Adam jumped up and blurted, "Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It'd be so great! When I'm working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It'd be so cool. I could write my name in the sand. Oh please God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please......"

On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted that so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn't mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to control the direction of his misdirection while in a vertical position. And so, he was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while. And it was good.

"Fine," God said, looking back into his bag of leftover gifts. "What's left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms....."

RitcheyRch
02-02-2005, 01:46 PM
Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:

You've Got Male!

sequoiasoon
02-02-2005, 05:37 PM
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Ryone
02-03-2005, 08:23 AM
Ten Best Things to Say if You Get Caught Sleeping at Your Desk.

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."
9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."
8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."
7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."
6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."
5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"
4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."
3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"
2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk.......

Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."

Ryone
02-03-2005, 08:27 AM
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a few puffs. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint. The Crocodile looks up and says "Hey!"
The Monkey looks down and says...."Daaaaamn.......how much water did you drink?!!"

atrdnut
02-03-2005, 08:27 AM
Two street dancers walked into a bar.

One got served.

(Maybe the younger folk will get this joke)

Salty_Dog
02-03-2005, 11:28 AM
The Older You Are, the More of These You Will Remember

Blackjack and Beeman's gum
Powerhouse candy bars
Licorice records
Wax teeth, lips and mustaches
Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
Candy lipstick
Candy cigarettes
Fizzies
Soda pop machines that dispense bottles
Pull tabs that snapped off soda cans
Tableside jukeboxes in coffee shops
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
Movies preceded by cartoons and newsreels
Party lines
Rotary phones
Drive-ins with car hops
Sock hops
Winter rubber boots with metal latches
Coonskin caps
P.F. Flyers
Angora sweaters
Bouffant hairdos
Spoolies
Hair dryers with plastic caps
Butch wax
Dart guns with rubber-tipped darts
Tin-can telephones
Peashooters
Cork popguns
Roll of cap-gun caps
Howdy Doody puppets
Beanie and Cecil dolls
Two-bladed ice skates that clip onto shoes
Roller skates that clip onto shoes
Roller skate keys
S & H green stamps and Plaid stamps
Metal lunchboxes
Winky Dink kits for drawing on the TV screen
Crystal radios
Console hi-fi's with 78's
45-rpm records
Hand-crank wringers on tub washing machines
Slide rules
Levered metal ice trays
Mimeograph paper
Carbon paper
Flash bulbs
Eight-track tape decks
8mm Home movie cameras
Dick and Jane readers

nucleus
02-03-2005, 12:11 PM
The Older You Are, the More of These You Will Remember

$.28 per gallon
full service gas stations (oil & air pressure check, windshield cleaning)
gas stations without convenience stores
getting on a plane without being searched / xrayed / metal detected
typing a letter on a typewriter
doing research in a library
yankee screwdriver
bias ply tires
radio theater
drafting "machines"
blueprints (white lines on a blue background)
reel to reel tape recorders
transistor radio
Apple I, Apple II or Radio Shack TRS-80

Salty_Dog
02-03-2005, 01:24 PM
A Vista worker was visiting a hillbilly family in West Virginia and commented on how sturdy their house was built.

"Yep, built it with my two hands" the hillbilly father bragged. "Done it the hard way. See them ceiling beams? Cut down two-dozen oak trees with just an axe. Done it the hard way."

"An' see them floor boards? Didn't use no nails. Drilled and pegged the whole thang. Done it the hard way."

"That's amazing!" said the Vista worker.

"And them kitchen cabinets?" the hillbilly father continued, "Solid wild cherry wood. Dovetailed the corners usin' just a pocket knife. Done it the hard way."

Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter comes boppin' through the room in her Daisy Duke shorts and red gingham halter top. The father looks over at the Vista worker who is trying not to stare too obviously and proudly smiles, "Yep... standing up in a canoe."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 06:03 AM
John asks his wife, Mary, what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary. "Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"How about a big fat diamond ring?" asks John.

"No thanks." said Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for your anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 06:06 AM
Two women came before the wise King, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the king until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said the king, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of your daughters shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said the wise king. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 06:08 AM
A man was brought to Mercy Catholic Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery. The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand.

"We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied.

"They are married to God."

"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 06:09 AM
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 06:12 AM
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what young men and women do on back roads some distance from town, when the woman stopped the man.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the woman.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 06:20 AM
Two lawyers were walking down the street discussing a case. one says to the other "Look, let's be honest with each other."

The other one says "OK. But you first."

The conversation ended.

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 06:23 AM
Leroy, his wife, and Leroy's mother-in-law went camping over the 4th of July weekend. Leroy's wife announced that her mother had been gone from her stroll in the woods way too long.

So the two of them went looking for her.

After a while they spotted a gigantic, ferocious grizzly bear squared off with the mother-in-law!

Immediately her daughter said to her husband, in a frantic voice, "Leroy you got'ta do something, or there’s gonna be blood shed fer sure!"

Leroy calmly said, "Now look, honey, the bear got himself into this mess and he can just get himself out of it"

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 06:31 AM
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"Oh really? What's it telling you now?" she inquires.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any underwear"

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing underwear!"

And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 06:32 AM
An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing in Scotland when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"

"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 06:39 AM
Q: What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?

A: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with. The other is used to carry groceries.

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 06:47 AM
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a R and C."

Bartender:"What is a R and C?".

Brunette: "Rum and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 06:55 AM
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to bug off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until, finally, he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I didn't!"

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 07:47 AM
How to Prepare for Ski Season:

1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 bills to warm up.

2. Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots, carrying two pair of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.

3. For ski boot simulation, put a pebble in your street shoes and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

4. Buy a pair of gloves, and immediately throw one of them away.

5. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to wait in the longest line.

6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

7. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you are following an 18-wheeler.

8. Fill a blender with ice, leave the cover off, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face.

9. Dress up in as many sets of clothes as you own and then proceed to take them off, with your gloves on, because you have to go to the bathroom.

10. Repeat all of the above, every Saturday and Sunday, until ski season.

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 07:52 AM
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 08:03 AM
A guy from Texas gets a scholarship to attend Harvard.

The first day he is there, he is walking across the campus and sees a bunch of rich preppie types sitting on a bench and in his Texas twang, asks them "Can y'all tell me where the library is at?"

One snooty young man looks up at him and says "At Hah-vahrd we do not end our sentences with prepositions."

The Texan looks at him and says "Awright, can y'all tell me where the library is at, A$$HOLE!"

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 08:23 AM
An Allegedly True Story

FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.

Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?

Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.

Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.

Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?

Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.

Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?

Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front doors. We have them locked. You will have to go around to the back to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.

Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?

Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?

Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.

Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?

Agent: I have my checkbook right here.

Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?

Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.

Pizza Man: I don't think so.

Click.

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 08:26 AM
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, Momma," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Momma, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Momma!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, Momma," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Momma, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook...."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 08:35 AM
A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a feminist.

He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?"

"Don't 'Miss' me, mister."

"Well then, you better make it 13."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 08:39 AM
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
you are going to sell me tickets to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied, "Highway Patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of
silence and he realized what he'd just said.

He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 08:56 AM
Dear Abby,

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all.

Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.

Signed, Frustrated


Dear Frustrated:

You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.

Signed, Abby

atrdnut
02-04-2005, 09:02 AM
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "its square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

atrdnut
02-04-2005, 09:04 AM
A car was driving down the street when all of a sudden it started swerving. The car was going back and forth till someone with a cell phone called the police. A police officer pulled the car over. A blonde rolls down the window and says, " Officer, I'm so glad you are here. I saw a tree in the road, then I saw another. So I had to swerve to keep from hitting it!" The officer looks at her, then says, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 09:07 AM
Rules of the Road

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.


Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying "Guns don't kill people. I do."


Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.


Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.


Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: You'd probably lose your buzz a lot faster.


Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: You would be forced to drive unlawfully.


Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.


Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.


Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.


Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 09:08 AM
Bill Clinton and George W. go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?"

Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."

"A quickie?!?" the waitress repeats. "Sir, given the current situation in your personal and professional life, I don't think that's a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu." She walks away.

W. leans over to Clinton and says, "Bill, it's pronounced 'Quiche.'"

atrdnut
02-04-2005, 09:12 AM
An old man lived alone in New Mexico. He wanted to
spade his chili garden, but it was very hard work. His only son,
Francisco, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a
letter to his son and described his predicament:

Oye Francisco,
I feeling pretty bad cuz I do not think
I will be able to plant my chili gardenz this year. I just
getting too viejo to dig a garden, but if you waz here,
all mi problemas wood be over. I know you wood dig the plot for me.

Siempre, tu Papi

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Papi,

Por favor, no, don't dig up the garden, that's where I
buried the BODIES!
Love, Francisco

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police
showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from
his son.

Dear Papi,
Go ahead and plant the chilis now.
Its the best I could do.

Love, Francisco

atrdnut
02-04-2005, 09:15 AM
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job". The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. And the starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshi**ing me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 09:17 AM
A few years ago, before the start of the Iraq War.....

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!", a heavily accented voice said.

"This is Bubba down at the Ford Place in West Tennessee. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Bubba," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Bubba, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Larry Ray, my next door neighbor Marsell, and the entire coon huntin' club. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Bubba, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Sonofa Gun!", said Bubba. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Bubba called again. "Mr Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Bubba?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Larry Ray's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Bubba, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Sheeeyyiiiittttt!" said Bubba. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Bubba rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Marsell's crop-duster with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit. And we got us a Navy. We got four boys with a bass boat that have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Bubba, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Hot Damm!", said Bubba, "I'll have to ring youback."

Sure enough, Bubba called again the next day. "Mornin', Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Bubba, "we've all had a long chat over a jug of shine, and decided there just ain't no way we can feed two million prisoners."

atrdnut
02-04-2005, 09:21 AM
(English Phrase) I think you need a facelift
(Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat

(English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive?
(Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me A.S.A.P.
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man
Dum Gai

Small Horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

It's very dark in here
Wai So Dim

This is a tow away zone
No Pah King

You are not very bright
Yu So Dum

I got this for free
Ai No Pei

I am not guilty!
Wai Hang Mi?

Please stay a while longer
Wai Go Nao?

They have arrived
Hai Dei Kum.

Stay out of sight
Lei Lo

He's cleaning his automobile
Wa Sing Ka.

Your body odor is offensive
Yu Stin Ki

I thought you were on a diet?
Wai Yu Mun Ching?

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 09:23 AM
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

A: One less drunk.

atrdnut
02-04-2005, 09:30 AM
How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover? The Location Of The
Dirt Bag. (sorry, Harley riders...)

Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

atrdnut
02-04-2005, 09:32 AM
How do you catch an elephant?

Little known fact is that elephants love peas. So what you do is dig a hole, well, big enough for and elephant. You fill it up with ashes, and put some peas in the middle. When the elephant bends down to take a pea, you kick him in the ash hole.

atrdnut
02-04-2005, 09:39 AM
There are 10 types of people. Those who know binary, and those that don't.


(Okay, no more post-whoring for me today... :))

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 09:47 AM
Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman that was suffering from old age dementia. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn't handle him any longer. He would wander about never knowing where he was or sometimes even who he was. She took him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man starting slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. Again, the nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he starting leaning forward. This time, the nurse strapped him into the chair.

About this time, his wife, having completed the paperwork, walked up to him and asked, "How do you like the place?"

"It's okay," he said. "But, they won't let me fart."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 09:52 AM
A blonde girl and her boyfriend were making out in the front seat of the car. The boy friend says "hey baby,ya wanna get in the backseat?" the blonde says "no."

They continue on making out, getting more into it so the boyfriend says "baby, ya wanna get in the backseat?" again, she says "no."

So they are making out more and more and the boyfriend asks one more time "wanna get in the backseat" and she says "no."

So the boyfriend finally asks "why don't you wanna get in the backseat?" she says "well, I wanna stay up here with you."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 11:21 AM
Two Jehovah's Witnesses were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 11:27 AM
Tom had been a compulsive worrier for years until he found a way to overcome this problem. His friend Doug noticed the dramatic change. "You don't seem to be worried about anything anymore."

"I hired a professional worrier for $1000.00 a week, "Tom replied. "I haven't had a single qualm since."

"A thousand a week!" said Doug. "How are you going to pay him?"

"That's his problem."

Salty_Dog
02-04-2005, 11:36 AM
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and he'll sit on his a$$ and drink beer all afternoon.

atrdnut
02-04-2005, 11:51 AM
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; its conditions are improving every day. Any reports of its lack of incandescence are a delusional spin from the liberal media. That light bulb has served honorably, and anything you say undermines the lighting effect. Why do you hate freedom?

PagalDesi4Life
02-05-2005, 12:28 PM
Dear Technical Support
18 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, GirlFriend 1.0 is incompatible with several Other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware. I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2003. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself. Any ideas?

Salty_Dog
02-06-2005, 04:09 PM
Rejected Titles for Children's Books:

1. You are Different and That's Bad

2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables

3. Dad's New Wife 'Greg'

4. Fun four-letter Words to know and Share

5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An "I-Can-Do-It Book"

6. The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking

7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her

8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

9. All Cats Go to Hell

10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched

11. Some Puppys Can Fly

12. That's it; I'm Putting You Up for Adoption

13. Grandpa Gets a Casket

14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator

15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia

16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy

17. Strangers Have the Best Candy

18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way

19. You were an Accident

20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will

21. Pop! Goes the Hamster. And Other Great Microwave Games

22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan

23. Your Nightmares Are Real

24. Where Would You Like to be Buried?

25. Eggs, Toilet paper, and your School

26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?

27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things

28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

29. The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool

30. If It Feels Good, Touch It!

31. Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet

32. 101 Fun Games To Play In The Road

33. You Can't Help It If You're Stupid

34. Patty Went Splat! (Don't YOU Forget Your Seatbelt)

35. Bullies Deserve To Die

36. Mommy's Got A New Baby To Love

37. Tommy's The Wrong Color To Be Your Friend

38. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You're Not A Sissy

39. Fun With Those Plastic Bags that come from the Dry Cleaners

nucleus
02-07-2005, 06:45 AM
A Jewish husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and then walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous woman on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Moishe?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Salty_Dog
02-07-2005, 09:47 AM
For Computer User's Over 40:

A computer was something on TV
From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat.

Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things
And that, my friend, really bytes.

Applications you filled out for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.

Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup was in your commode.

Cut you did with a pocket knife
And paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was only the flu.

I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory I keep in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

atrdnut
02-07-2005, 09:53 AM
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl named Mary stopped beside him on her new shiny bike.

"Nice bike" the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation saying "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d!ck goes underneath the horse, not on top!"

:D

atrdnut
02-07-2005, 09:55 AM
Becky was on her deathbed with her husband, John, maintaining a steady vigil by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down his face, splashed onto her face, and roused her from her slumber. She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling John," she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."

But she was insistent. "John," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you." "There's nothing to confess" replied the weeping John. "It's all right. everything's all right, go to sleep now." "No, no. I must die in peace, John. I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father."

John mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't torment yourself. I know all about it." he said, "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

atrdnut
02-07-2005, 09:56 AM
Female Training Seminars

1. Elementary Map Reading

2. Crying and Law Enforcement

3. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR

4. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours

5. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast

6. The Seven-Outfit Week

7. PMS: It's YOUR Problem, Not Mine "It's Happened Monthly Since Puberty....... Deal With it"

8. Driving I: Getting Past Automatic Transmissions

9. Driving II: The Meaning of Blinking Orange Lights

10. Driving III: Approximating a Constant Speed

11. Driving IV: Makeup and Driving: It's As Simple As Oil and Water

12. Football: Not a Game: A Sacrament

13. Telephone Translations: formerly titled "'Me Too' Equals I Love You"

14. How to Earn Your Own Money

15. Gift-giving Fundamentals: formerly titled "Fabric Bad, Electronics Good"

16. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side

17. Beyond "Clean and Dirty": The Nuances of Wearable Laundry

18. Yes, You Can Fill Up At A Self Serve Station

19. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+Channels

20. What Goes Around Comes Around: Why His Credit Card is Not a Toy

21. His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too

22. His Poker Games: Deal Yourself Out

23. Commitment Schmittment (formerly titled "Wedlock Schmedlock"

24. To Honor and Obey: Remembering the Small Print Above "I Do"

25. Why Your Mother Is Unwelcome In The House

26. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive

atrdnut
02-07-2005, 09:58 AM
Great one liners...

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error...

For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.

I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.

Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.

atrdnut
02-07-2005, 10:09 AM
Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Massachusettsdriver never uses them.

Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork.

Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to prepare people entering the highway.

Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in Massachusetts during rush hour.

Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Massachusetts driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.

Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom driving like the Rt. 128 Speedway, thanks to the State Highway department, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them alert.

It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first by whatever means necessary.

In Massachusetts, 'flipping someone the bird' is considered a polite salute. This gesture should always be returned.

atrdnut
02-07-2005, 10:13 AM
How cold is it? (Fahrenheit)

60 -- Californians put on sweaters.
50 -- Miami residents turn on the heat.
40 -- Minnesotans go swimming.
35 -- Italian cars don't start.
30 -- You plan your vacation to Australia; Minnesotans put on T-shirts
25 -- Californians weep pitiably; Canadians go swimming.
15 -- French cars don't start.
5 -- You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start.
0 -- Too cold to ice skate. Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 -- German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 -- You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 -- Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 -- You plan a two-week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.
-30 -- Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians put on sweaters.
-40 -- Your car helps you plan your trip South.
-50 -- Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close bathroom windows.
-60 -- Finns put on long pants.
-80 -- Hell freezes over. Polar bears move south.
-90 -- Politicians put their hands in their own pockets.

Salty_Dog
02-07-2005, 05:51 PM
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names -- a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen, and Advil is ibuprofen.

The Industry has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

Pfizer Inc. recently indicated that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount & Do.

Salty_Dog
02-08-2005, 05:54 AM
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "Oh, just drumming up a little business. I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the guy.

"Because I'm a divorce lawyer."

Salty_Dog
02-08-2005, 06:03 AM
Three guys were sitting around the table in the bar knocking back a few. In the fourth seat was this wrapped up Egyptian mummy.

The waitress asks "What's with the mummy?"

One guy says, "Oh, he's our dessicated driver."



ba da BUMP!

Salty_Dog
02-08-2005, 06:22 AM
(Suppposedly) True Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]


Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[it's about those scofflaws got what they deserved!]


Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]


Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]


Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[those good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!]


Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]


War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]


If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]


Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]


Enfield Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]


Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]


Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]


New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]


Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those Space Food Sticks!]


Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken!]


Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[Careful, those organ meats are not good for your cholesterol!]


Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacres will do that!]


Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]


Tornado Rips Through Cemetery: Hundreds Dead
[nuff said!]

Salty_Dog
02-08-2005, 12:08 PM
A bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life.

He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.

"How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply.

"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?"

"How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.

"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock.

"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"

"Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down."

Salty_Dog
02-08-2005, 12:16 PM
There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks: Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sun-up, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.

"Rufus!" Clarence would shout, "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup you!"

"Clarence!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup YOU!"

Every morning. Every day. For 20 years.

One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge across the river. But the insults went on every morning. Every day. Another five years.

Finally, Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallered one day, "I can't take no more! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, thar's the bridge! Have at it!"

Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.

"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "Yore raht! I'm gonna whup Clarence!"

He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, then turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove under the bed.

"Rufus!" cried the missus. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence!"

"I was, woman, I was!" he whispered.

"What in tarnation is the matter?"

"Well," whispered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I walked halfway over the bridge and saw a sign that said 'Clarence, 13 feet, 6 inches.' He ain't never looked that big from across the river!"

Salty_Dog
02-08-2005, 12:24 PM
Q. Why do pipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.

Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play in perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up a bagpipe.

Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.

Q. How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.

Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don't have to be very good to get people's attention.

Q. What's the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawn mower; and the owner's neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawn mower and don't return it.

Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.

Q. What's the difference between a dead piper in the road and a dead country singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.

Q. What's the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.

Q. Why are a piper's fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.

Q. Why is a bagpipe like a SCUD missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Q. "Hey, Buddy. How late does the pipe band play?''
A. "Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.''

Q. Why do they call it a "kilt''?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.

Q. What's one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that's the pipe player's Porsche.

Q. What's a piper's definition of "optimism''?
A. A piper with a beeper.

Q: What is the definition of a gentleman?
A: A person who knows how to play the bagpipes but doesn't.

Salty_Dog
02-08-2005, 01:02 PM
Pierre and Boudreaux was flying Cajun Airlines. Boudreaux was flying da plane and Pierre was in da back foolin wit da cargo equipment an stuff. Da plane hit some turbulence an started bouncin around an Boudreaux got knock unconscience. Then da plane started driftin.

Pierre him come run up to da front an Boudreaux was sprawl out over da steerin wheel. Well, Pierre don't know notin bout flyin an he start to get panaky. He grab da microphone and holla "May Day! May Day! Dis is Cajun Air Line 90210. Boudreaux, him knock unconscence an I don know nutin about flyin dis plane!"

"Dis is da control tower," someone answer.

"Don you worry about nutin. We gonna splain how fo you to land dis plane, step by step, ah gar-on-tee! Jus leave arything ta us. Fus, how high are you an whas you position?"

Pierre thought a minute, den say, "I'm five foot ten an I'm all da way to da front of da plane."

"No! No!" answer da tower. "What's you altitude an where's you location?"

Pierre say, "Man ah got a po attitude, an I'm from Thibodeaux!"

"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "Ah needs to know how many feet you got off da ground an how you plane's in relation to da airport!"

Pierre start to panic by dis time. He say, "Countin Boudreaux's an mine, we got four feet off da ground an I don believe dis plane's related to you airport!"

A long pause -- the silence was deafenin. "We needs to know who you next of kin is and where to send da flowers!"

atrdnut
02-08-2005, 02:15 PM
This little story just proves that there are still people who think 'positively'... Enjoy!



The Church Organist

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. So (pointing to the bowl), he asked, "Miss Beatrice, I wonder if you would tell me about this?"


"Oh, yes“, she replied, “isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease. And you know . . . I haven't had a cold all winter."

Here's hoping you have a healthy winter!

atrdnut
02-08-2005, 02:22 PM
Scrounging around and found this old joke....

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?

Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Martinez.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh!t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh!t, we're in BIG trouble!"

Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."

atrdnut
02-08-2005, 03:12 PM
...of sex, church and pancakes. Head's up - these are pretty bad http://www.houston-imports.com/forums/images/smilies/eh2.gif

Teen age sex:

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

-----------------------------------------------------
Church:

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No sh!t?"

-----------------------------------------------------
Pancakes:

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small p***s.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

Salty_Dog
02-09-2005, 06:00 AM
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns swapping stories about their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch The seaman asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "Aye, We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and
a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".

"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook"?

"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."

"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?

"Aye, I was raise the mainsail an' as I looked up, a seagull crapped in me eye", answered the pirate.

"You lost your eye to seagull $hit?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Aye..." said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."

Salty_Dog
02-09-2005, 06:06 AM
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay." And with that, he walked out of the room.

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'. Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"

"And then?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch and he didn't come back."

atrdnut
02-09-2005, 06:16 AM
Hey did you hear about that new pirate movie that's coming out?






It's rated "ARRRRRRRRRRRR"

Salty_Dog
02-09-2005, 06:56 AM
These questions about Australia were (supposedly) posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the obviously tongue-in-cheek answers came from an Aussie.


Q: Does it ever rain in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking


Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water...


Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So its true what they say about Swedes.


Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?


Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.


Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.


Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, right after the hippo races. Come naked.


Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.


Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?


Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.


Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)

A: Only at Christmas.


Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)

A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.


Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.


Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.


Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, but you will still have to pay her by the hour.


Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

atrdnut
02-09-2005, 07:06 AM
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.
I love this one :tu:

atrdnut
02-09-2005, 07:58 AM
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After working on it for a few minutes, the motor is idling smoothly.

She asks, " So, what's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor Ladie"

The blonde quips, "How often do I have to do that?"

atrdnut
02-09-2005, 08:04 AM
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an
order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We
don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You
don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I
can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I
shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.
----------------------------------
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady
behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
"dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our
things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my
items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so
she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how
much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy
that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had
no clue to what had just happened.
---------------------------------
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she
said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card
number, so she was using the ATM "thing"
---------------------------------
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need
some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery
to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think
they,( pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit
this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this
remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took
the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over
there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
-------------------------------
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was
typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.
What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With
that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the
photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
-------------------------------
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed
into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the
whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager
what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control"
and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
-------------------------------
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a
large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with
their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch
banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my
terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
-------------------------------
Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on
his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine.. The message
"He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button
each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the
"lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
------------------------------
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take
her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the dispatcher tells
her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I
just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency!

atrdnut
02-09-2005, 08:08 AM
A blonde went to electronic store and she asked, "How much is this TV?"

The salesman said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don't sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"

"Because that is not a TV, it's a microwave."

Salty_Dog
02-09-2005, 09:19 AM
Cat Diary

DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking. Almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair ... must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was... Hmmm. Not working according to plan......

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

Salty_Dog
02-09-2005, 09:56 AM
IN THE BEGINNING...

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood"

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female created he them. And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.

And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"

And Man said, "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.

And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.

And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."

And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And Satan created HMO's...

Salty_Dog
02-10-2005, 10:10 AM
All the farmers for a hundred miles around were attending the wedding of a young Australian couple.

Waiting for things to get started, they were somewhat shocked to see the bride's father storm up the aisle, jacket off, sleeves rolled up, and obviously very angry.

"The weddin's off," he shouted, "Everybody bugger off!"

Dismayed and muttering, the guests repaired to the parking lot, grumbling about their missed opportunity for free beer.

One guest, a friend of the bride's father, held back, and approached him.

"What's the problem?" he asked.

"Someone stole a keg of beer, and the Best Man was caught "in the act" with the bride!", exclaimed the father.

The guest, taken aback, and rendered speechless, left the church, joining the other farmers.

A few minutes later, the father reappeared and yelled "All right! Everyone back inside! The weddin's on again!"

As the farmers filed back into the church, the friend again approached the father of the bride, and asked "What happened to make you change your mind?"

Grinning sheepishly, he replied, "Oh, well, we... uh... we found the keg of beer."

atrdnut
02-10-2005, 02:03 PM
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by mechanics.)


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

Salty_Dog
02-10-2005, 06:12 PM
The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress; I'll look like a million in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's your special day, not hers."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? You don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear! I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!"

...Now what women wouldn't like this story......Perfect Dress ..Perfect Justice

Salty_Dog
02-10-2005, 06:18 PM
Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious
excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no b@lls. I'd say you must be French".

Salty_Dog
02-10-2005, 06:28 PM
Why Athletes Can't Have Real Jobs:

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

Salty_Dog
02-10-2005, 06:37 PM
More stupid sports comments:

Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

Grand Prix Race Announcer:"The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces.

At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that,before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said!?

Salty_Dog
02-10-2005, 06:51 PM
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie."

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 08:37 AM
Q: What do you call bears with no ears?

A: B.

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 08:48 AM
The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the winter was going to be cold or not.

Not really knowing an answer and just to be safe, the chief replies that the winter was going to be cold, and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared for a cold winter.

Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?"

The man on the phone responded, "This winter is going to be quite cold indeed."

So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again... "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely, we made a study," the weather man replies. "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy!"

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 08:50 AM
An explorer spends a night camping in the jungle, and wakes up in the morning to find himself surrounded by spear-carrying natives.

"Uh oh," the guy mutters, "I'm screwed!"

A voice booms down from the Heavens, "No, you're not!"

The explorer says, "What?"

The voice from the clouds says, "Grab the spear from the nearest native and kill the chief."

So the guy grabs the spear out of the hands of the nearest native, darts forward, and plunges it into the chief's chest. The chief falls to the ground dead.

The explorer then asks the voice, "Now what?"

The voice from the clouds replies, "OK, NOW you're screwed...!"

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 08:55 AM
Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

A: The taste.

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 09:13 AM
Really Weird Personal Ads

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You will like me, damn it! And you will enjoy our date! When I call you the next day, you'd better answer! And you'd better not call the cops like the last guy did!

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Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 09:17 AM
John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post. Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired. "He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once", John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough", Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will", John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamppost. "Look at him. He's scared to death to cough."

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 09:37 AM
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five elderly ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly ... Twenty-two miles an hour!" the woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask ... is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 09:50 AM
A man was stopped by a game warden in recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take 'em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 11:14 AM
Things I Learned from the Movies


Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people--whether they are employed or not.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When you turn out the lights to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear physics at the age of 22.

Honest and hard working policemen will be gunned down three days before their retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks--which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach the armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.

It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

When you belong to a super-secret government agency nobody's ever heard of, the local police will defer to you just because you flash a badge at them and sound important. The military will even let you steal a Harrier Jump Jet, as long as your partner promises he'll take responsibility.

If you are a police officer and your superior officer tells you that you are absolutely, positively off a particular case, he doesn't really mean it.

All computers in the universe are basically the same. If you are on the spaceship of alien insects from another time and dimension, you will have no problem doing a wireless data exchange between your laptop and their mainframe.

So you're a cop chasing a suspect and you suddenly need a car? Just flag down the nearest citizen, flash your badge at him and say, "Police business!" and he will give his car to you without argument -- even though there's a 98 percent chance you won't return it in one piece.

Would the pursuit be easier if you had a motorcycle? Just grab the nearest cop motorcycle you see. The officer assigned to the motorcycle may shout, "Hey, that's my bike!" but he won't get his fellow officers to chase you down and give it back.

The human body is capable of taking an incredible amount of abuse. You can get blasted 30 feet in the air, or pushed out of a jet aircraft, and still walk away from it without even a limp or the need to comb your hair.

Any person waking from a nightmare will bolt upright and pant.

Bullets are magnetic. If you stand behind a skinny metal pole when you're being fired upon, the bullets will be attracted to the pole.

In a high-speed car chase, you will always hit fruit stands and shopping carts full of groceries, but never people, and most vehicles will get out of your way as you approach.

All semi trailers are built so high that if you hit one from the side, it will cleanly tear off the roof of your car. If you duck down before you hit, you'll be okay.

If you have been shot, trying to tell the police who shot you will cause you to die in midsentence.

Most cities have underground tunnels with secret passages and caverns that nobody knows about except demented criminals. These caverns always have electric lighting and usually are warm, if not completely dry.

Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.

Many buildings have secret rooms or even entire sub-basements that are unknown to anyone, including the architect.

If a criminal is fleeing the police on foot, and happens upon an old warehouse, or even a public works project such as a major dam, he will have no problem getting inside. Nobody locks the doors on those things.

Telephone call tracing always involves having a computer set up at the call recipient's home. It is not done at the telephone company, and it still takes several minutes to trace a call. Electronic switching and caller I.D. are just myths.

Anyone who has ever used a computer can break into any other strange computer they've never seen before, if you give them a little time. It may take a few seconds longer if they have to guess a password.

A 12-year-old brat with a computer can solve crimes that have baffled the cops for 15 years.

If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear.

If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing parade - at any time of the year.

If you are a hacker, expert or novice, and you break into a computer system you must say "Were in!" or "I'm in!" very enthusiastically and as if you've never broke into one before.

The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian military officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language; a German, Russian, or sometimes even a British accent will do.

The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.

A man will show not even an ounce of pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but in the next scene, he will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

The chief of police is always black.

When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.

Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.

A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.

If a serial killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.

Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

All single women have a cat.

One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one, even if the one man has a revolver and each of the the 20 men has an Uzi.

If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?"

Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cutting - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boat in an accident.

During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.

Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste.

No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.

If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.

You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.

No matter how fuzzy the photograph, it can be enlarged and enhanced to show the finest detail.

If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.

Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

Word processors never display a cursor, but do always say: "Enter Password Now" in giant letters.

In the event of a car chase, there will be two men carrying a large pane of glass through the streets for you to drive through.

When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.

A gang of highly-trained terrorists will always separate and search for an intruder on its own so its easy to kill them one at a time.

All prostitutes have a heart of gold.

All computer disks work in all computers, regardless of operating system.

When a person is knocked unconscious by a severe blow to the head, they never suffer a concussion or brain damage, but a slight bump on the head is enough to cause amnesia.

If you think there is an intruder in your house, your cat will choose that precise moment to leap at you.

The most beautiful girl in school will never be able to get a date.

In school, the end-of-class bell always interrupts teachers in mid-sentence.

If an airplane has a mid-air collision with anything, it will still be flyable if there is a pretty stewardess who can take over the controls.

You know a man is British if he wears a bow tie.

The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they are to fall in love.

Television news bulletins always feature a story that affects you personally at the precise moment you turn on the TV.

Every person of Asian descent in New York and San Francisco who owns a market is married, over 60, and the man wears a white button down shirt. His wife is hysterical most of the time, but will survive the burglary while her husband perishes.

When women wake up in the morning, their hair is never a mess, it's only fetchingly tousled.

Gifts never need to be unwrapped. Simply lift the top of the box off.

All telephone numbers in the United States begin with the digits 555.

You never have to click a cigarette lighter or strike a match more than once to get a flame.

Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.

Although in the 21st century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.

Spacecraft will explode in flames, even though there is no oxygen for the fire.

When a fight starts in a bar room, complete strangers who were minding their own business will suddenly start punching each other.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will know all the steps.

If someone says "I'll be right back", they won't be.

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 12:24 PM
Railroad Track Engineering

Interesting how a single decision reverberates through the ages:

Railroad tracks: The U.S. standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That is an exceptionally odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and the U.S. railroads were built by English expatriates.

Why did the English build them that way?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?
Because the people that built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

So why did the wagons have that particular odd spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old , long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?
The first long distance roads in Europe (and England) were built by Imperial Rome for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?
The ruts in the roads, which everyone had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels, were first formed by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for (or by) Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The U.S. standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches drives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Specifications and bureaucracies live forever.

Now the twist to the story ?
When we see a space shuttle sitting on its launching pad, there are two booster rockets attached to the side of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.

The SRBs are made by Thiokol, at their factory in Utah.
The engineers, who designed the SRBs, might have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train, from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory had to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track is about as wide as two horses.

So, the major design feature of what is arguably the worlds' most advanced transportation system, was determined over two thousand years ago, by the width of a horse's a$$.

Don't you just love engineering?

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 12:31 PM
Rules for Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. If men really wanted to wear bathrobes, they wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #7: Buy men label makers. They are almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #8: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #9: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."

Rule #10: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook-but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #11: Tickets to a football game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #12: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why-please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #13: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 12:39 PM
A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers "sure!"

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system, scans the area, opens up a database and 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to the shepherd and says "You have exactly 1586 sheep!".

"That is correct, take one of the sheep" says the shepherd. He watches the young man select a sheep and bundle it in his Cherokee.

Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not" answers the young man.

"You are a consultant" says the shepherd.

"That is correct" says the yuppie, "How did you guess that?"

"Easy" answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew. And you don't know anything about my business. Now, can I please have my dog back?"

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 12:59 PM
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like mowing my lawn?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk's homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Huey coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car- there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 01:15 PM
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, 'You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?' The Lord sighed, and said, 'No, I guess not.'

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole for a 420 yard hole in one. St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, 'Why did you let him do that?'

The Lord smiled and replied, 'Who's he going to tell?'

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 01:17 PM
A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied, "The balcony."

Salty_Dog
02-11-2005, 01:27 PM
A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! - a boy and a girl. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ... he's not very bright!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew."

Salty_Dog
02-13-2005, 08:51 AM
Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. Ahhh, I see the f**k-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

14. No, my powers can only be used for good.

15. How about never? Is never good for you?

16. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

17. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

18. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

19. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

20. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

21. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

22. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

23. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

24. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

25. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

26. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

27. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

Salty_Dog
02-13-2005, 08:58 AM
Bill Gates dies and shows up at the Pearly Gates.

"Well, Bill," said St. Peter, "I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Microsoft Windows program. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great," he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven."

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, happy people walking around in white robes with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. Heaven's nice, I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment.

"This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water????"

"Oh," said St. Peter, what you saw was the Demo Verision."

Salty_Dog
02-13-2005, 09:04 AM
Rejected State Mottos

Alabama:
Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
By 30 Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda.

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedies Don't Own It Yet.

Delaware:
We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan:
First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana:
Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, & Very Little Else

Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada:
Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire:
Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey:
You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York:
You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney...

North Carolina:
Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota:
We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio:
At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma:
Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal

Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina:
Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee:
The Educashun State

Texas:
Si' Hablo Ing'les
(Yes, I Speak English)

Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont:
Yep

Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family...Really!

Wisconsin:
Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming:
Where Men Are Men...And The Sheep Are Afraid!!!!!!!!!!

Salty_Dog
02-13-2005, 09:13 AM
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

The results:

Better to be safe than...punch a 5th grader.

Never underestimate the power of...termites.

You can lead a horse to water but...how?

Don't bite the hand that...looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke there's... pollution.

A penny saved is... not much.

Don't put off till tomorrow what...you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Stevie Wonder.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

wylcat
02-13-2005, 09:48 AM
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

There was a blonde woman who was having financial troubles,
so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom.
She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy,
took him behind a tree and wrote this note.
"I have kidnapped your child.
Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park tomorrow at 7 A.M.
Signed, The Blonde"
She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.
The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag,
behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note... "Here is your money.
I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

Salty_Dog
02-14-2005, 10:25 AM
Rejected Nursery Rhymes



JACK AND JILL
Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill
Forgot her pill
And now they have a son.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.


LITTLE MISS MUFFET
Sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It was not the spider
that crept up beside her
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.


SIMPLE SIMON Met a Pieman
Going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb@ss!"


HUMPTY DUMPTY Sat on a wall
Humpty dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men
Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again.


HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE,
The cat did a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun
When the cat died of electric shock.


GEORGIE PORGY Puddin' Pie
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, 'cause he was gay.

THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
And when she was good,
She was very, very good,
But when she was bad,
She got a fur coat, jewels, and a sports car.

Salty_Dog
02-14-2005, 10:49 AM
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there aeroplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."


One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there aeroplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."


The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."


Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.


They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Salty_Dog
02-14-2005, 10:51 AM
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus could have been Black:

1. He called everyone "brother"
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.



But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Italian:

1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus could have been Irish:

1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.


But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus could have been a woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it..
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.

Salty_Dog
02-15-2005, 06:04 AM
OK, I've waited long enough. It's time for some Tsunami Jokes:

Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
Sue.
Sue Who?
SUE NAMIIIII!!

----------------------

Q: What's the least popular detergent in Indonesia?
A: Tide.

----------------------

Q: Aren't the beachfront cities in Thailand without power?
A: No, there's plenty of current running through the towns.

----------------------

Q: What did the photographer say, when about to photograph a group of tourists?
A: "WAVE!"

----------------------

Q: What is the new name for the island of Phuket?
A: Phuked.

----------------------

Q: How do you recognize a prostitute from Phuket?
A: She's the one wearing fishnet.

----------------------

It has been common practice for years in Indonesia for natives to do
their bathing at sea. They would actually take a bar of soap, hop in the
nearest boat and paddle out to sea to clean up. Times are changing,
however, and it now appears that they have no problem washing up on shore.

----------------------

Q: Why are people in the Sri Lanka area so annoying?
A: They always get carried away.

----------------------

Q: Did you hear who won the Australian Christmas 2004 Surfing Championships?
A: Sri Lankan on a Deckchair.

----------------------

The Sri Lanken elections will be occurring soon, and all the leaders of the main parties are trying to get the support of the floating voters.

----------------------

Q: Why are so many sharks stricken with diarrhea?
A: They've been eating Thai food all week.

----------------------

Q: Why didn't the tsunami affect Australia?
A: They could afford a wall.

----------------------

Some suggested song titles for a charity single for the Tsunami disaster:

"Help I'm A Fish" by Little Trees
"Oops Upside Your Head" by the Gap Band
"Under The Sea" from the Little Mermaid
"The Tide Is High" by the Culture Club
"Say Hello, Wave Goodbye" by David Gray
"Don't Cross the River if You Can't Swim the Tide" by America
"Surf City" by the Beach Boys
"Green Grass and High Tides" by the Outlaws

and anything by The Drifters

----------------------

An American tourist took her young grandson to the beach in Phuket. She sat in a beach chair beneath an umbrella and tended her knitting while her grandson, wearing a sunhat, played with a small pial and shovel at the water's edge nearby. All about were other beachgoers, frolicking in the water, sunbathing, or otherwise enjoying the day.

Completely without warning, the tsunami crashed ashore, destroying everything in its path. As the waters retreated to the ocean, all about was chaos and destruction and the fading sounds of the pitiful souls that had been swept out to sea. Nothing remained ... nothing, that is, except for the lady, still sitting on her beach chair beneath her umbrella, with her unfinished knitting on her lap, somehow miraculously survived unscathed.

She looked about, then she looked to where her young grandson had been only moments before. She looked to the heavens, tears streaming from her eyes, and called out to God: "Why Lord, why? Why did you take my beautiful grandson who had his whole life before him, yet leave me, a pitiful old woman at the end of her life? Oh Lord, would that you had taken me instead of my grandson!"

A voice thundered from the sky: "OK, OK you've made your point."

Moments later, a second wave crashed ashore. For a brief few minutes, once again all was chaos as the wave pummeled the shoreline. Then, as its waters retreated back to the ocean, once again the elderly lady found herself sitting as before, but this time at her feet was her grandson, still with a small pail and shovel, playing as though nothing had happened.

The old lady gestured toward the boy while looking up to the heavens and exclaimed, "He had a hat!"

Salty_Dog
02-15-2005, 12:19 PM
In order to ensure the best quality information on TS, the following English and Grammar guidelines are to be followed at all times:

1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat)

6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.

9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

10. No sentence fragments.

11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

14. One should NEVER generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

16. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

17. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

18. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

19. The passive voice is to be ignored.

20. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

21. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

22. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

23. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.

24. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

25. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

26. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

27. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

28. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

29. Who needs rhetorical questions?

30. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

31. Don't use no double negatives.


And the last one...

32. Proof-read carefully to see if you any words out.

atrdnut
02-15-2005, 12:35 PM
What do you call 50 lesbians with rifles?




Militia Etheridge.

Salty_Dog
02-15-2005, 01:10 PM
Q: Why does it take 3 blondes to change a light bulb?

A: Because they are blondes.

wylcat
02-15-2005, 01:11 PM
In order to ensure the best quality information on TS, the following English and Grammar guidelines are to be followed at all times:
you said it in a nutshell....lol

Salty_Dog
02-15-2005, 01:24 PM
Be on the lookout for a new computer virus:

It will erase everything on your hard drive, and also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It will demagnetize the stripes on all of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM pin number, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles. It will program your cellphone auto-dial to call only your mother-in-law's number. It mixes antifreeze into your fish tank and it will drink all your beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It's radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and navel lint to migrate behind your ears. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card. It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye. It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinnitus.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporate undetectable misspellings, which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences. It will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but It will also refill your skim milk with whole milk. It will replace all your luncheon meat with tofu. It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing them to smell like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle, dangerous and terrifying to behold, and also a rather interesting shade of mauve.

Salty_Dog
02-15-2005, 01:35 PM
Best Pickup Line Ever:



Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned.

I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it.

I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax. We go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable.

So we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married. I get a promotion; you get a promotion; we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom; but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful.

The sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence

I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar. You throw me out (justifiably so), and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up.

That's just too sad. Think about the children. So, for God's sake, if you dance with me, and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

Salty_Dog
02-15-2005, 01:43 PM
A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said,

"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that f---ing nun out there again?"

atrdnut
02-15-2005, 01:44 PM
Really long joke usually told when there's a new President in office. Sorry in advance for the long read.

While traversing along in a Presidential motorcade one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Dubya.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in hell and one day in heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in heaven."

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, and Jerry Falwell. The whole of the "Right" is here, everyone laughing, happy; casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at expense of the "suckers and peasants." They play a friendly game of golf, and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink and says, "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"

"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son: you can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from here!" says the devil.

Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the devil, who is a very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns. They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go.

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them; no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor; he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive.

"Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!" The day done, St. Peter returns and says, "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers, "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hell. The doors of the elevator open and he finds himself in the middle of barren, scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste...kind of like Houston. He is horrified to see all of his friends dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar and drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly, and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."

Salty_Dog
02-15-2005, 01:55 PM
If Airlines Sold beer:

Customer: Hi, How much is a case of beer?

Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.

Customer: On what?

Clerk: Actually, a lot of things.

Customer: How about giving me an average price?

Clerk: Wow, that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a case, and we have 150 different prices up to $200 a case.

Customer: What's the difference in the beer?

Clerk: Oh, there's no difference; it's all the same beer.

Customer: Well, then, I'd like a case of the $9 beer.

Clerk: Well, first I need to ask you a few questions. When do you intend to drink it?

Customer: I want for tomorrow on my day off.

Clerk: Sir, the beer for tomorrow is $200 per case.

Customer: What? When would I have to drink in order to get $9-a-case beer?

Clerk: That would be in three weeks, but you will also have to agree to start drinking before Friday of that week and continue drinking until at least Sunday.

Customer: You're kidding!

Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Of course, I'll have to check to see if we have any beer available before I can sell it to you.

Customer: What do you mean check to see if you can sell it to me? You have shelves full of that stuff; I can see it right there.

Clerk: Just because you can see it doesn't mean that we have it. It may be the same beer, but we sell only a certain number of cases on any given weekend. Oh, and by the way, the price just went up.

Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?

Clerk: Yes sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with your beer yet, we just decided to change. Unless you want the same thing to happen again, I would suggest you get on with your purchase. How many cases do you want?

Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five cases. Maybe I should buy six cases just to make sure I have enough.

Clerk: Oh, no sir, you can't do that. If you buy the beer and then don't use it, you will be liable for penalties and possible confiscation of the beer you already have.

Customer: What?!

Clerk: That's right. We can sell you enough beer for each of your friends, but if you stop drinking before your last friend does, you will be in violation of our tariffs.

Customer: But what does it matter to you whether I use all of the beer? I already paid you for it!

Clerk: Sir, there's no point in getting upset; that's just the way it is. We make plans based upon the idea that you will use all of the beer, and when you don't, it just causes us all sorts of problems.

Customer: This is insane! I suppose something terrible will happen if I don't keep drinking until Sunday night?

Clerk: Yes sir, it will.

Customer: OK, I am going somewhere else to buy beer!

Clerk: That won't do you any good, sir. We all have the same rules. You might as well just buy it here, while the price is now $13.50.

atrdnut
02-15-2005, 02:04 PM
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..




Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"





Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you" said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"




What did the sea say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.




Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach?
To keep his nuts warm.



There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't.



Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh!t before

atrdnut
02-15-2005, 07:33 PM
Three men, one German, one Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.

The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he was finished he explained,"That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Texan finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax."

Salty_Dog
02-16-2005, 05:29 AM
Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say when he ordered a pizza?

A: "Make me one with everything."

Salty_Dog
02-16-2005, 05:33 AM
From the Truth is Stranger than Fiction dept:

1. Food has replaced sex in my life... now I can't even get into my own pants!

2. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood-alcohol content.

3. Marriage changes passion ... suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

4. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it ... so I said, "Implants?"

5. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast.

6. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK ... they know me here.

8. I got a sweater for Christmas ... I really wanted a screamer or a moaner.

9. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

10. I don't approve of political jokes ... I've seen too many of them get elected.

11. The most precious thing we have is life ... Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

12. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and $hithead's.

13. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals you a truckload of hand grenades ...THAT'S A MESSAGE!

14. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

15. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at the bowling alley.

16. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

17. I married my wife for her looks ... but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

18. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

19. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

20. How come we choose from just two people to run for President and 50 for Miss America?

21. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

23. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

24. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

25. The differences between snowmen and snow-women are snowballs.

Salty_Dog
02-17-2005, 05:45 AM
Women's version:

Woman #1: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman #2: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman #1: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.

Woman #2: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.

Woman #1: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman #2: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Men's version:

Man #1: Haircut?

Man #2: Yeah.

atrdnut
02-17-2005, 07:48 AM
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door........

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning." He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No. I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and it is pouring rain outside!!."

His wife said, "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told (of course!), gets dressed and goes out into the pouring rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello! Are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes! Please!" comes the reply from the darkness.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!!" replies the drunk.

RitcheyRch
02-17-2005, 09:21 AM
This married couple is sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband says "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now, do you know him?" "Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and he's been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

Services will be held on Saturday at Forever Green Mortuary

TundrastruckDave
02-17-2005, 09:51 AM
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:
*
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you *realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious
bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.
*
And the pick of the literature:
*
18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

atrdnut
02-17-2005, 11:41 AM
Immediately hired for his honesty and creativity:

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right Woman (or at least one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target - For middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?????

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?............. Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.... so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?............... On the job - no, on my breaks - no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that RIGHT now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?......................Oh Yes , Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

Salty_Dog
02-17-2005, 11:47 AM
If Dr. Seuss wote an episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation

Picard:

Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?

Data:

Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard:

LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge:

But, sir, the engines are offline!

Picard:

Offline! But why? We have to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker:

But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!

Picard:

But surely we must not be late!

Troi:

I'm sensing anger and great ire.

Computer:

Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!

Picard:

The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?

Riker:

Not me.

Worf:

Not me.

Picard:

Computer, how long til we die?

Computer:

Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data:

May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...

Geordi:

Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard:

Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi:

We still must save the Indran planet --

Data:

Which (by the way) is made of granite...

Picard:

Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

Geordi:

There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.

Riker:

We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!

Troi:

We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?

Worf:

Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.

Troi:

Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Is it the Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher:

Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!

Picard:

Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

Crusher:

They may be dead by Tuesday noon.


Commercial Break, Commercial Break
How long will all these dumb ads take?


Worf:

The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard:

Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?

Worf:

I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.

Riker:

My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher:

Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard:

LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

Geordi:

Yes, sir, we can.

Picard:

Make it so!

Salty_Dog
02-17-2005, 01:15 PM
Punce atton a whime there was a mig bomma pig who lived with her pee little thrigs on a fig bog harm. They lived a line fife slopping with gorge and wallowing in the pud muddle and all, until one night when the mig bomma pig took the pee little thrigs aside for a tearious salk. "Oink," she wide, creeping. "Oink, oink oink!" (Or, to verbaphrase her porridge, "Boys, you header bed for the yorest fonder before harmer Fank bakes macon!")

So a few bours defore haybreak, the pee little thrigs set out to fake their mortune in the feep dorest. Now the lirst fiddle pig's name was Joe. Poe jig said, "I'm bonna guild me a haw strouse," and he began strickin' up paw. The second piddle lig's name was Luke, and Puke lig said, "I'm bonna guild me a hick stouse," and he began stickin' up pigs. Now the lird piddle thig's name was Dave. He was a bite marter than his smothers, earning him the name pigtickle prack. Pave dig said, "I'm bonna guild me a hone and storter mouse," and he began erecting clocks.

Now I won't same to clay that streaving waw or sighing ticks is easy 'cause it tain't rue, but it's a sell of a hot limper than stortaring moans, and by the time Pave dig had the pox riled for his plyreface, the other poo tigs were bun dildin' and tootin' for ruffles. "Look at pigtickle prack," the pool crigs laughed, "pettin' like a swig over his stig bones." But pigtickle prack had seen tolf wacks that day, and he wept kurking.

Eventually the hone stouse was done, and all bree throthers had dwellable livings. Pave dig never did tell the other poo tigs about the tolf wracks, so Poe jig was shighty mocked to wake up to the sounds of a walivatin' soof.

"Piddle lig, piddle lig, et me lum kin!"

"Chot by the nair on my hinny fin fin!"

"Then I'll puff and I'll huff and I'll hoe your blouse down!"

So the wig wad bolf puffed and he huffed and he hew the blouse down, whereupon Poe jig run off to Puke lig's house and broke his wother. That wungry holf was right behind. "Piddle ligs, piddle ligs, I wants two pat figs, I does!"

"Chot by the nair on my hinny fin fin!" said Puke lig.

"Then I'll puff and I'll huff and I'll hoe your blouse down!"

So the wig wad bolf puffed and he huffed and he hew the blouse down. Loe and Juke freely reeked and run off to the hock rouse and dolted the bore. The wungry holf got there quite rick, but not nasty fuff.

"Piddle ligs, piddle ligs, undolt the bore!"

"Not by the mollicles on my fandible!" said Pave dig (who never missed a chance to use a wig bird).

"Then I'll puff and I'll huff and I'll hoe your blouse down!"

Pave dig just smiled and said, "Woe ablay!"

So the wig wad bolf puffed and he huffed and he puffed and he huffed, till he was foo in the blace, with no effectable notice on the stock ructure. The wig bad bolf sat down to cogitate on this predicular particament, when he noticed the choking smimney. Not bein' a very wart smolf, he chimed the climney and dropped fail tirst into a bot hoiling stot of poo.

That wid wad bolf earned his bass and just about everything else that day, since Pave dig clammed the slover on the poo stot, leaving the other poo tigs mealing in squirthful reverie. Pave dig turned to his overweight brothers and said, "Molf wheat is beaner than leef, and it would bepig you hooves to conduce your resumption of faturated sats." The very next day they started a diet of vegetabically grown organelles, and they began electing crocks for two new hock roams for Lo and Puke jig.

This storal has two morys: First, of course, induce your retake of atty facets. Secondly, never ever dime clown chokin' smimneys.

atrdnut
02-17-2005, 01:20 PM
I refuse to read that because I'm afraid my head will explode.

sequoiasoon
02-17-2005, 07:19 PM
A guy calls his buddy, a horse rancher, and says he's
sending a friend over to look at a horse.

The buddy says, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy," says the guy, "he's a midget with a
speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's
looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth," says the midget.
So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" asks the
midget.
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's
eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth," notes the midget. "Can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the
horse's ears.
"Nith earzth," comments the midget. "Can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty annoyed by this point, but
he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf," states the midget. "Can I see her twat?"

Totally fed up at this point, the rancher grabs him under
his arm and jams the midget's head as far as he can up the
horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the
ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I
should rephrathe that?" says the midget. "Can I thee her wun
awound a widdle bit?"

TundrastruckDave
02-18-2005, 08:50 AM
I refuse to read that because I'm afraid my head will explode.
MINE TOoooo, Austin! :eek: :D

Salty_Dog
02-19-2005, 06:25 AM
Healthy Living FAQ

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.


Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: At the gym, a guy asked me to "spot" for him while he did the bench press. What did he mean?

A: "Spotting" for someone means you stand over him while he blows air up your shorts. It's an accepted practice at health clubs; though if you find that it becomes the ONLY reason why you're going in, you probably ought to reevaluate your exercise program.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain-No Pain.


Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual expression and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time.


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about trying to live a longer and healthier life...

casso12
02-20-2005, 10:01 PM
A cowboy was herding his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses, YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another
NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formula. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a democrat consultant" says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business...

.......Now give me back my dog.

Salty_Dog
02-22-2005, 09:12 AM
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop an says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

Salty_Dog
02-23-2005, 05:20 PM
Women believe if a pet cat strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a pet dog strays, it's because of alack of affection at home.

Women believe if a woman strays, it's because of a lack of affection at home.

Women believe if a man strays, it's because men are scum.

RitcheyRch
02-24-2005, 06:29 AM
A lady walked into a Lexus dealership to browse, and spotted the most beautiful, perfect, "loaded" Lexus & walked over to inspect it closer. As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected Little burst of flatulence escaped her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed. Sure enough, there standing behind her was a salesman. With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are gonna s*** when you hear the price."

matttom
02-24-2005, 07:22 AM
WOOF
Boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmmmm," he wonders, "How am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!". "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Fido doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."...And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Fido? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?'"
The father says, "Oh, sh!t; I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a b!tch!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
*

Salty_Dog
02-25-2005, 05:28 AM
Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee Mountain man, was
drafted by the Army.

On his first day of boot camp, the Army issued him a toothbrush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

On his second day, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap.

The Army is still looking for him.

nucleus
02-25-2005, 09:27 AM
Marriage Commandments

Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But then again, so are thunder and ightning.

Commandment 2.
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand.

Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9.
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

Commandment 10.
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished..

RitcheyRch
02-25-2005, 01:24 PM
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover after the night of his office party. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He Takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-- Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $85.26

Hot Breakfast - $4.20

Red Rose bud -$3.00

Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time........."Priceless".

RitcheyRch
02-25-2005, 01:47 PM
The day after her husband disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage woman answered her door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mrs. Wilkens, but we have some information about your husband," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find him?" Mrs. Wilkens cried.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mrs. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, ma'am, but this morning we found your husband's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Mrs. Wilkens. Swallowing hard, she asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled him up, he had two twenty-five pound King crabs and six good-size Dungeness crabs on him."

Stunned, Mrs. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull him up again tomorrow."

Salty_Dog
02-25-2005, 06:45 PM
A successful Colorado rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours everyday and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand.

He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my stockings." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Salty_Dog
02-27-2005, 09:47 AM
A blonde took a package to the Post Office to send to her mother.

The postman weighs the package and says "This package is too heavy. You need more stamps."

The blonde looked at him and said "How is more stamps going to make it lighter?"

Salty_Dog
02-27-2005, 09:53 AM
One sunday, a preacher got on his high horse on the pulpit and said "I want you to take all your whiskey and dump it in the river!"

The congregation responded with a hearty "Amen!"

The preacher then shouted "I want you to take all your beer and dump it in the river!"

The congregation responded with a hearty "Amen!"

The preacher then shouted "I want you to take all your wine and dump it in the river!"

The congregation responded with a hearty "Amen!"

The preacher then shouted "I want you to take all your cigarettes and dump them in the river!"

The congregation responded with a hearty "Amen!"

The preacher then shouted "I want you to take all your drugs and dump them in the river!"

The congregation responded with a hearty "Amen hallelujah!"

The preacher then asked the choir director to lead them in the next song.

The choir begain to sing: "Shall We Gather At The River......"

molecule
02-28-2005, 03:10 PM
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years
old in St. Luke's Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge
rag, "The Cambridge Distorter", told a photographer to get
over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear
quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and
the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

He said, "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE"
So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus," said the
photographer.

YET AGAIN - "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "Me first!"

molecule
02-28-2005, 03:11 PM
A Japanese company and the Union Pacific Railroad decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day the Japanese won by a mile.
Afterward, the U.P. team became very discouraged and morally depressed. The UP management decided a reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Management Team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the UP team
had 8 people steering and one person rowing. So UP hired a
consulting company and paid them an incredible amount of money. After six months of hard work, they advised that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing. So the UP acted: To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering
superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the Rowing Team Quality First Program, with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. Even new paddles and medical benefit incentives were promised for a winner. We must give the rower the empowerment and enrichments through this quality program.
The next year the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the UP_ laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a
new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the senior executives as bonuses for a job well done.
__________________

atrdnut
03-02-2005, 07:11 PM
A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using these facilities are requested to use the procedures outlined below when gaining access their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up
6.Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Salty_Dog
03-03-2005, 05:48 AM
Actual Transmissions between Airport Control Towers and Airplane Pilots:

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles."

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

*****************************************

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

*****************************************

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: I'm f**king bored!"

Ground Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f**king bored, not f**king stupid!"

*****************************************

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

*****************************************

A DC-10 had come in a little fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

*****************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

*****************************************

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.

Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

*****************************************

German air controllers at Frankfurt are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, and I didn't land."

*****************************************

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was
definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking "Wasn't I married to you once?"

RitcheyRch
03-03-2005, 06:02 AM
There were two nuns...

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM : Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!

Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened.

The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run

as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.

I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do.

He pulled down his pants.

[love this graphic!]

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?

A nun with her dress up can run faster than man

with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

say two Hail Marys!

Salty_Dog
03-03-2005, 06:07 AM
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man & worships his creator." - John Bright

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But, this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed

"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

Salty_Dog
03-03-2005, 07:08 AM
You may be a child of the 80's if......

You ended your sentences with "psych"

You solved the Rubik's cube.....by peeling off the stickers

You watched the pound puppies

You can sing the rap to "the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air"

You wore biker shorts under your skirts and felt stylish

You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.

You owned those little Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls and My Little Pony.

You know that 'Whoa' comes from Blossom

Three words: M.C. Hammer

You thought it would be great to have a friend named "Boner"

You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales"

If you played the chipmunks Christmas album all year long!

Remember reading Kool-Aid man comics

Two words: Fraggle Rock

You had plastic streamers on the handle bars of your bike

You remember When it was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday (or Sunday) to watch cartoons

You wore a pony tail to the side of your head

You remember the song "Push It" and new the dance

Christmas always seemed like an eon away

They played "A CHRISTMAS STORY" only once on christmas day

"YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION" was on your top favorite show along with "KIDS INCORPORATED"

You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen

You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school (Totally!!)

You made your mom buy you one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.

You had a Kirk Cameron poster on your bedroom wall

You played the game "Mash" with friends at school

You had a "Slam Book."

You wore a Jordache jean jacket and you were proud of it

Your mother wouldn't let you have garbage pail kids

"Thunder, thunder, Thundercats! HO!!!!!!!!"

You wanted to change your name to Jem in Kindergarten

You remember reading "Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and all the Ramona books

You know the profound meaning of "Wax on,Wax off"

You wanted to be a Goonie

You ever wore fluorescent, neon if you will, clothing

You wanted to be on StarSearch

You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off

You took Lunch boxes to school

You have pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf

You remember the craze, and then the banning of, slap bracelets

You still get the urge to use "NOT" at the end of every statement you make

You remember Hypercolor T-shirts

Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band

You remember Punky Brewster

You loved Howard the duck

You thought She-Ra and He-Man should hook up

You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged "friendship bracelets"

You owned a pair of Jelly Shoes

After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you couldn't stop saying "I know you are but what am I?"

You remember "I've fallen...and I can't get up!"

You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates

You got seriously injured on a slip and slide

You know not to mix poprocks and soda

You have played with a 'skip-it'

You remember "My Buddy" and "Kid SIster" or their friend "Teddy Ruxpin"

"Where's the BEEF!!??"

You had or went to a birthday party at McDonald's

You learned oldies songs by watching Alvin and the Chipmunks

You had a Glow Worm or watched the cartoons

You remember dancing along with the Bangles in "Walk Like An Egyptian"

If you remember Heathcliff the orange cat

You saw the California Raisins Christmas claymation special

You remember Popples

DON'T WORRY, BE HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!

You wore socks over tights with high-top Reeboks

You wore like 8 pairs of socks at once, scrunched down

MISS MARY MACK MACK MACK ALL DRESSED IN BLACK BLACK BLACK.....

You remember boom boxes instead of CD players

You remember watching both "Gremlins" movies

You remember the Transformers

You knew what it meant to say: "Care bear stare!!" and you had a favorite

You remember Rainbow Bright and MY Little Pony Tales

You remember watching TV thinking Doogie Howser was hot!

You remember Alf, the little furry brown alien from Melmac

You remember the large amounts of hairspray used (Aquanet)

You remember those very stylish headbands

You remember Vicky the Robot

You remember Eve Garland from Out of this World and how she could stop time by pressing the tips of her index fingers together and talking to her dad through a glowing cube in her bedroom

You remember the beginning of New Kids on the Block

You remember watching The Cosby show

You remember Mr. Belvadere

You remember Michael J. Fox in Family Ties and Back to the Future

You know all the names of the gang from "Saved by the Bell"

Earrings as big as your head weren't big enough

Acid-washed jeans

No jean-jacket was complete without 20 buttons, and at least one had to be of Joey, Jon, Jordan, Danny, or Donnie

You played box ball on the playground EVERYDAY

You owned a Cabbage Patch Kid

You always had some Nerds candy or Laffy Taffy on hand

Who Ya Gonna Call? Ghostbusters!

You had to have a pair of white Keds and cut-off shorts after Dirty Dancing came out

You knew how to Moonwalk

You read every book in the series' Sweet Valley Twins, Sweet Valley High, and Fear Street

Molly Ringwald was your favorite actress

Cyndi Lauper was your favorite singer

You wanted to be just like Samantha Micelli on Who's The Boss

Every member of the opposite sex had cooties

Circle, circle, dot ,dot, now you've had the cootie shot!

You knew all the words to "Down, Down, Baby..." (down, down the roller coaster....)

Atari was the coolest invention EVER!

You've gone through this list occasionally saying "That wasn't from the 80's"

atrdnut
03-03-2005, 07:18 AM
You ended your sentences with "psych"
Actually, we said it like this...

SYYIIIIKKEE!

Kinda like, "Cyberbilly has a lot of informative posts.... SYYIIIIKKEE!"

:D

RitcheyRch
03-03-2005, 10:59 AM
John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon
quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on
the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on
all the neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called
out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked "How do
you know they are having sex?
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a popsicle too."

RitcheyRch
03-03-2005, 11:00 AM
A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of
your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.


The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're BS'n me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

ToyzOnly
03-03-2005, 06:44 PM
.....CYBERSILLY, "NUT"MAN AND RITCHEYRICH!!!

DAGNABIT!:D I'm sittin' here in my liitle A$$ apartment L M freakin' A OFF!
My neighbors must be thinkin' ( or already know), I've totally spun a bearing or somethin'!:eek:

KLS
03-03-2005, 09:32 PM
After sex, the hooker said, "That's all."

The new girlfriend said, "That's all???"

The wife said, "Beige. We should paint the ceiling beige."

KLS
03-03-2005, 09:32 PM
The reason women can't fart like men can is that they don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up the required pressure.



.

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 05:32 AM
......is that they don't keep their mouths shut long enough to build up the required pressure.

I tell my wife that's why she's always cold. She can't build up any heat. :cool:

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 05:35 AM
A redneck stomps into the house carrying a sheep under his arm. His fat little wife is sitting on the couch drinking a 32oz Slurpee and watching soap operas.

"This pig is for sexual pleasure when you and I are not doing it," he says.

"That's not a pig; that's a sheep," says the wife.

"You hush up, woman" says the husband. "I wasn't talking to you."

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 05:41 AM
Q: What goes Clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG! BANG! BANG BANG BANG! clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop... ?

A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 05:43 AM
Two redneck women were in the garden digging potatoes. One of the women held up two extra large potatoes one in each hand and said to the other "these remind me of my husband's you-know-whats".

The other woman stared in amazement and asked "they're that big"?

The first woman said "No, they're that dirty".

RitcheyRch
03-04-2005, 06:12 AM
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.


He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 06:35 AM
A gangsta rapper went to his doctor for a physical. The doctor checks him out and says, "Sorry but it looks like you have a rare disease. I'm afraid you only have 6 weeks to live."

"What should I do?" asks the rapper.

The doctor says "I suggest that you go to Nashville and join a Country & Western band as a backup singer."

"How will that help me? Will it make me live longer?" asks the rapper.

The doctor says "No, but it will make your six weeks seem like six years."

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 06:36 AM
Q: What's the difference between the government and the Mafia?

A: One of them is organized.

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 06:40 AM
A guy has to pee real bad so goes into a public washroom and has to use the only available urinal between two older men. He glances to his left and sees the guy urinating but there are two streams.

"What's with that?" he asks.

"War wound. I took a bullet in 'Nam. They were able to save my Johnson but they had to leave two holes"

Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three streams !!!

"What the hell is that?"

"War wound. Desert Storm, bullet right where it hurts, left three holes"

The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle and see. . . 12 streams!!

"War wound??"

"Naah, my zipper's stuck"

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 06:43 AM
When the office printer's type began to grow faint the office manager called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings he said the manager might try reading the printer's manual and doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor the office manager asked "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 06:44 AM
There was artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now.

His model showed up, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea when he heard the front door open and close then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my!" he whispered loudly "It's my wife! Quick! Take all your clothes off!"

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 06:59 AM
A traveling salesman was driving through Montana during a blinding snowstorm when his car became hopelessly stuck in a snowbank. He got out, walked for five miles in a blizzard until he came to a farmhouse. He walks up and knocks on the door.

The farmer says "Sure, I got a place for you to stay, but I don't have pretty young daughter like you hear about in all those jokes."

The salesman thinks for a minute and says "How far is it to the next house?"

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:06 AM
An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied "Only a little while, Senor."

The American then asked "Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more fish?"

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

The Mexican fisherman said "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, Senor."

The American scoffed "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds you could buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked "But Senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied "15-20 years."

"But what then, Senor?"

The American laughed and said "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."

"Millions, Senor? Then what?"

The American said "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:09 AM
Joe grew up in a small town then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big fish in a small pond. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.

The first day he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in all the while talking.

"No. Absolutely not!" he said while pretending to talk on the phone. "You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details."

This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied "I'm from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone."

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:10 AM
Two guys are out golfing one Saturday afternoon. After finishing one hole they wait for the two women who are ahead of them at the next hole to finish. They wait a few minutes but soon get irritated at the amount of time the women are taking to play the hole.

One of the men decides that enough is enough. He tells his friend "I'm going to go up there and ask those women if we can play through."

He starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there he suddenly does an about face and returns to his friend. "What's wrong?" his friend asks.

"I can't go over there. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress."

His friend tells him "That's okay, I'll go talk to them."

He too starts walking towards the women but after getting halfway there he too returns to his friend. He tells his friend "Small world..."

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:14 AM
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking his cell phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled, and said "Not bad."

And went back to his cell phone conversation.

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:15 AM
The soldier serving in eastern Iraq was annoyed and upset when his girl sent him a "Dear John" letter breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

The serviceman went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find. Then he bundled them all together and sent them back to the girl with a note saying: "Sorry, but I cannot remember which one is you - please keep your photo and return the others."

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:19 AM
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of red roses.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man and he asked "Tell me, old friend, how many fish have you caught in the park?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar blew a careful smoke ring and replied "You are the sixth today."

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:20 AM
Every Sunday a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Sister I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate" he stated.

"Why yes" she replied, "every week my son sends me money and what I don't need I give to the church."

"That's wonderful how much does he send you?"

"Oh, $20,000 a week."

"Your son is very successful what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian" she answered.

"That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"

"Well he has one cat house in Las Vegas and another in Reno."

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:26 AM
A car breaks down along the highway one day so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. He jumps out of the car opens the trunk and pulls out two men in long black trench coats.

The men stand behind the car open up their coats and start exposing themselves to all the oncoming traffic. This results in one of the worst pile-ups.

When the police questioned him why he put two deviates along the side of the road the man replied "I broke down and was just using my emergency flashers!"

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:30 AM
The chicken and the egg are lying in bed. The chicken is real laid back smiling smoking a cigarette, but the egg is really upset.

She mutters to herself "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:33 AM
A lawyer died and arrived at the Pearly Gates. To his dismay there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

"Thank you for all the special attention, but I don't understand," said the lawyer. "I shouldn't be here. I'm only thirty-five."

St. Peter replied "Well, not according to our records. I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 196!"

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:35 AM
Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:36 AM
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. "He guessed 120 pounds." She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed" she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed" she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with just a quick kiss on tht cheek.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:47 AM
One afternoon a rich lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" The second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich lawyer replied "Oh it's all right, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:47 AM
Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "You drive. I'll man the guns."

ba da BUMP!

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:51 AM
A priest was walking down his street one day when he noticed a very small boy trying to press the doorbell on a house. The boy was very short and the doorbell was too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time the priest moved closer to the boy. He crossed the street, walked up behind the little fellow, placed his hand kindheartedly on the child's shoulder, leaned over, and gave the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiled benevolently and asked "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replied "Now we run!"

Salty_Dog
03-04-2005, 07:54 AM
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job but he was getting on in years. The farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young **** from the local rooster emporium and turns him loose in the barnyard.

Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried. "So they're trying to replace me" thinks the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."

He walks up to the new bird and says "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

The young rooster was a proud sort and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on" said the young rooster.

"And since I know I'm so great I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy" said the young rooster.

The two roosters go over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begins and all the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he's still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer has heard all the commotion. He runs into the house, gets his shotgun, and runs out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still slightly in the lead. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.

As he walks away slowly, he says to himself, "Damn that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."

RitcheyRch
03-04-2005, 08:01 AM
A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here $150.00.

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $150.00?"

The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

RitcheyRch
03-04-2005, 08:39 AM
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us,"said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

molecule
03-04-2005, 09:55 AM
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again. "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I had no idea"

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what in the heck makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"
__________________

RitcheyRch
03-05-2005, 05:25 AM
How to impress a WOMAN...

Wine her,

Dine her,

Call her,

Hug her,

Support her,

Hold her,

Surprise her,

Compliment her,

Smile at her,

Listen to her,

Laugh with her,

Cry with her,

Romance her,

Encourage her,

Believe in her,

Pray with her,

Pray for her,

Cuddle with her,

Shop with her,

Give her jewelry,

Buy her flowers,

Hold her hand,

Write love letters to her,

Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.



How to impress a MAN:

Show up naked . Bring chicken wings . Don't block the TV

RitcheyRch
03-05-2005, 08:13 AM
The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you only wearing your gun, hat and boots?"

The Cowboy says "Well it's like this Sheriff... I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt .. so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants...so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to
town cowboy... "

"And, here I am."

See.... Blonde Men Do Exist!

atrdnut
03-06-2005, 06:45 PM
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v612/atrdnut/Misc/aah.jpg

RitcheyRch
03-07-2005, 07:30 AM
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around
that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a
lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a
patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the
money. Many people had tried over time - weightlifters, longshoremen,
etc.-- but nobody could do it.

One day a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a polyester
suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a
lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind
to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops of juice fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid him the $1000, and asked the
little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight
lifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."

atrdnut
03-07-2005, 12:36 PM
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the a$$. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the a$$. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse.

The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

RitcheyRch
03-07-2005, 01:37 PM
A man is sitting in an airplane which is about to take off when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him. The lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he's a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy. The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival. "Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number." I like it!" says the first man.
A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the aisle and the seat. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What
is going on with this stupid dog?" The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb."

Salty_Dog
03-08-2005, 09:01 AM
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2005, WHEN....

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in 20 years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 4.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home and you try to dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your upcoming layoff on the 10 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and on the way back to bed, you stop to check your e-mail.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Salty_Dog
03-09-2005, 08:46 AM
I recently had a new Voice-Activated sound system put in my Tundra.

You say "Classic Rock" and it switches to a Classic Rock station. You say "Country" and it switches to a Country station. You say "Rap" and it switches to a Rap station.

I was driving down the road the other day and a bunch of school children ran out in front of me. I slammed on the brakes and muttered "F**king Kids!"

The radio started playing a Michael Jackson song.

Salty_Dog
03-10-2005, 08:51 AM
Government Regulation Gone Awry:

All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal centered around the hole.

All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length.

All pipe is to be of the very best quality, preferably tubular or pipular.

All acid-proof pipe is to be made of acid proof metal.

Outer-diameter of all pipes must exceed the inner-diameter. Otherwise, the hole will be on the outside of the pipe.

All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or other gas or liquids can be put inside at a later date.

All pipe is to be supplied without rust, as this can be more readily put on at the jobsites.

All pipe is to be cleaned free of any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles or any form of manure before putting up, otherwise it will make lumps under the paint.

All pipe over 500 feet in length must have the words "Long Pipe" clearly painted on each end so that the fitter will know that it is a long pipe.

All pipe over two miles in length must also have these words painted on the middle so that the fitter will not have to walk the full length of the pipe to determine if it is long pipe or not.

All pipe over six inches in diameter is to have the words "Large Pipe" painted on it, so that the fitter will not use it for small pipe.

All pipe fittings are to be made of the same stuff as the pipe.

All pipe closers are to be open on one end.

No fittings are to be put on pipe unless specified. If you do, straight pipes become crooked pipes.

RitcheyRch
03-10-2005, 08:55 AM
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pants legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?'..............Well, I guess I just panicked."

Salty_Dog
03-10-2005, 09:18 AM
There was this world famous painter. In the prime of his career, he started losing his eyesight. Fearful that he might lose his life as a painter, he went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, his eyesight was restored.

The painter was so grateful that he decided to show his gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of his work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When he had finished his work, he held a press conference to unveil his latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?"

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank God I'm not a proctologist.'"

Salty_Dog
03-10-2005, 09:20 AM
A telephone repairman joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why.

"What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"

"I was a telephone repairman," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."

The telephone guy checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!

"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"

RitcheyRch
03-10-2005, 10:11 AM
A biker stopped by his local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't
do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far & would just walk home. On
the way home he stopped at the hard- ware store to buy a bucket and an anvil. He
stopped by the feed & livestock dealer to pick up a couple of chickens and a
goose. However, struggling outside the store, he realized he had a problem--how
to carry all of his purchases home.



While he is scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told
him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird
Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mocking- bird Lane.
I'd walk you home, but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why
don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a
chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"



"Why thank you very much," he replied and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he said, "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be
there in no time."



The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow
without a husband to defend me. How do I know that, when we get in the alley,
you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"



The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the
wall and do that?"



The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil
on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Salty_Dog
03-11-2005, 06:13 AM
Dr. Smedley was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison, would you please name the part of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions under which it expands."

Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Dr. Smedley, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this. "With that she sat down red-faced.

Dr. Smedley then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Dr. Smedley. "And now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Salty_Dog
03-11-2005, 06:15 AM
A little turtle begins to slowly climb a tree. After long hours of great effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs frantically, until he crashes heavily into the ground. After recovering consciousness he starts to climb the tree again, jumps once more, but again crashes to the ground.

The little turtle does this again and again, while all the time his heroic efforts are being watched with sadness by a couple of birds perched on a nearby branch.

Finally, the female bird says to the male bird, "Dear, don't you think it's time to tell Tommy he is adopted?"

Phil0411
03-11-2005, 08:20 AM
Two blondes were standing on opposite banks of a river. The first blonde shouts over to the second, "HOW DO I GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!" The second blonde shouts back, "YOU ARE ON THE OTHER SIDE!" :D

Phil0411
03-11-2005, 08:30 AM
Since all the religions in the world each thinks it's the best, they all got together and decided to have a golf tournament to determine who was the best once and for all. Each religion would have one player to represent it, and the winner would determine who is has the best religion.

The Pope gets to thinking to himself that he doesn't know one good Catholic golfer so he calls Arnold Palmer and asks him to play for the Catholics. Arnold says he would love to but the only problem is he isn't Catholic. The Pope say that is no problem, he would just make Arnold a Cardinal.

Arnold enters the tounament and gets to the final match but ends up loosing to the Jewish player. The Pope calls Arnold and says, "Arnold, I can't believe you lost, I thought you were one of the best players in the world!". Arnold replies, "Well, I am one of the best, but I didn't know I would have to play Rabbi Tiger Woods!" :rolleyes:

molecule
03-11-2005, 08:43 AM
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under
the sun.

"Have you ever been a salesman before?" the boss asked during his
interview.

"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.

The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the
next day. "I'll come and see how you made out after we close up," the
boss said.

The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5
o'clock.

The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and
exhausted, in a chair. "How many sales did you make today?" the boss
asked.

"One," said the lad.

"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.

"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I
sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him
where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I
said he'd probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin
engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."

"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?" the boss asked
in astonishment.

"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy explained. "He
came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, 'Your
weekend's shot. You might as well go fishing.' "

Salty_Dog
03-11-2005, 12:33 PM
Tom was asleep one night, when he awoke to see an old man in a long white robe standing at the foot of his bed.

"Who are you and how did you get in my house?" Tom demanded.

"This is not your house." said the old man, "You are in Heaven and I am St. Peter."

"What?" said Tom. "You mean I'm dead?" :confused:

"Yes you are." said St. Peter.

"But I can't be dead!" says Tom. "I'm too young to die! I'm only 35 years old! I've got a wife and kids and a mortgage! I can't die!" :cry:

"Sorry," say St. Peter, "When the Big Guy says 'It's time,' it's time. I'm just following orders."

"Is there any way I can go back to earth?" pleaded Tom. :(

"Yes, but you can only go back as a chicken." says Pete.

"A Chicken???"

"A Chicken."

Tom thinks about for a moment and decides that maybe a carefree life on a farm, free of all the world's problems and hassles of everyday life, might not be so bad after all. "OK, do it." says Tom. :)

POOF! He's a chicken.

Then Tom gets this funny feeling like his butt is about to explode. "What's going on here, Pete?" he asks. :confused:

"Relax," says St. Peter, you're about to lay an egg. It's no big deal. Just grunt and push and it will be all over in a moment."

So Tom grunts and pushes and out pops an egg. "Wow," say Tom, "that wasn't so bad." :p

"See?" says St. Peter, "You'll do it again soon." Later on Tom lays another egg. And another, and another.

Suddenly, Tom's wife starts shaking him.

"Tom! Tom! Wake up!" she says, "You just $hit the bed!" :eek:

Salty_Dog
03-12-2005, 05:28 AM
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and stand next to the preacher.

The minister notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.

"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I havn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Salty_Dog
03-12-2005, 05:32 AM
There was this artist who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. His wife was OK with it, as long as he was just painting and nothing else.

His model showed up and, after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother, since he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He added that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said, "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do."

He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife! Quick! Take your clothes off!"

Salty_Dog
03-12-2005, 05:35 AM
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again.

Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"TWO FALLEN ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

nucleus
03-12-2005, 09:17 AM
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:

"So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know. I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX:

A man was in a terrible accident where his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, or $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

"She said she'd rather remodel the kitchen".

molecule
03-12-2005, 03:55 PM
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice: picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old men can still think fast.

Salty_Dog
03-13-2005, 08:57 AM
Aaron came home from school one day, all banged up, bloodied, and bruised. His father asked him what on earth had happened.

"Well, dad, it's like this," Aaron began. "I challenged Larry to a duel and you know how that goes...I gave him his choice of weapons."

"Uh huh," said the father. "That seems fair."

"I know...but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

Salty_Dog
03-13-2005, 12:02 PM
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her righthand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.

Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.

Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

Salty_Dog
03-14-2005, 06:31 AM
While driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 MPH with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. :confused:

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut out of my other hand. :eek:

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed,and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. :cry:

Women drivers!! :mad:

Phil0411
03-14-2005, 06:54 AM
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:

"So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know. I get a little each month, but not enough to live on."

LOUD SEX

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"

She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

CONFOUNDED SEX:

A man was in a terrible accident where his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, or $14,000 for "large."

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.

"She said she'd rather remodel the kitchen".

HALL SEX:

When you meet your wife in the hallway and say F___ You and she says F___ YOU TOO.

Salty_Dog
03-14-2005, 11:11 AM
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, ugly bruises on his shins, so he asked, "Do you play hockey, soccer, or any physical sport?"

"Not at all." said the man, "I just play bridge with my wife."

Salty_Dog
03-14-2005, 11:13 AM
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy", replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

Salty_Dog
03-14-2005, 11:15 AM
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings which were on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Salty_Dog
03-14-2005, 11:21 AM
A turtle is mugged by three snails.

When asked by police to give a description of what happened, he replies, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"

ba da BUMP!

Salty_Dog
03-14-2005, 11:32 AM
Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1975:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1985:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1995:
By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80. Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 2000:
A company outsources all of its loggers. They save on benefits and when demand for their product is down the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, received a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching Math in 2005:
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying costs?

RitcheyRch
03-14-2005, 01:04 PM
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in

RitcheyRch
03-14-2005, 01:07 PM
A young girl was going on a date.

Her grandmother said, "Sit here and let me tell you about young
boys.

He is going to try and kiss you, you are going to like that, but
don't let him do that.

He is going to try and feel your breast, you are going to like that,
but don't let him do that.

But most important, he is going to try and get on top of you to have
his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date.

The next day she told grandma that her date went just like she had predicted.

Grandma, I didn't let him disgrace our family.

When he tried, I just turned over, got on top of him, and disgraced
HIS "family."

Granny fainted!

healey858
03-14-2005, 03:14 PM
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Salty_Dog
03-15-2005, 08:06 AM
THINGS YOU NEVER LEARNED IN HEBREW SCHOOL

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

2. Where there's smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

3. No meal is complete without leftovers.

4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

5. A schmata is a dress that your husband's ex is wearing.

6. You need 10 men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.

7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.

8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Loehmann's.

9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

10. Never take a front row seat at a bris.

11. Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.

13. Spring ahead, fall back, winter Boca Raton.

14. WASPs leave and never say good-bye; Jews say good-bye and never leave.

15. Always whisper the names of diseases.

16. If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.

17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.

18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

19. If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure to tell everybody what you paid.

20. Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at four in the afternoon in Florida at the Early Bird Special.

Salty_Dog
03-15-2005, 12:47 PM
If Shakespeare's "Hamlet" soliloquy had been written by a cat:

To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within: that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains upon those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell.
To sit, to stare Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt.
To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten?
Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.

naunibecker55
03-15-2005, 01:02 PM
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into
bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel
like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look
by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in
the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We
went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was
one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because
she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play
tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel
like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
WHAT?"

I then said "honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she
was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and
not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

God I hope this is a true story... :D :tu:

Salty_Dog
03-15-2005, 01:20 PM
KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL THINK FAST...

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
_____________

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong!
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it was H to O!
______________

TEACHER: George, go to the map, and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
______________

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
_____________

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_____________

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say... "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day, same time."
_____________

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
______________

TEACHER: Now Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to... my Mom is a good cook!
_______________

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

RitcheyRch
03-16-2005, 04:50 AM
A lady goes to Wal-Mart to purchase a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes
over to the counter.

A Wal-Mart associate is standing there
wearing dark shades. She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything
about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it
makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod, medium action, with a
Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and
it's on sale this week for only
$20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it
dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit
card drops on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is
really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could
tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the
only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was
on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is
$11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

Salty_Dog
03-16-2005, 06:47 AM
The Jones's were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jones kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Jones cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good!? I've made a specialty of
babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat." After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Jones.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Jones said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a sightseeing bus in downtown New York."

"Oh my God!!" Mrs. Jones exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Jones.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Jones, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.? Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Jones leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment?"

"That's right. Now, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??"

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!"

Salty_Dog
03-16-2005, 06:49 AM
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings. The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"

Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not??!!"

The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"

Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honor! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**kin' Goofy!"

Salty_Dog
03-16-2005, 06:50 AM
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you
diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered,

"He's probably a basketball coach?"

Salty_Dog
03-16-2005, 06:51 AM
Two church members were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message, and slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result -- the door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again you need to move your cat."

Salty_Dog
03-17-2005, 05:46 AM
An elderly couple was driving across the country. The wife was taking her turn behind the wheel when they were pulled over by the highway patrol.

"Ma'am, did you know you were speeding?" the officer said.

The woman, hard of hearing, turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

"He said you were speeding!" the old man yelled.

The patrolman then asked, "May I see your license?"

The woman turned to her husband again, "What did he say?"

The old man yelled back, "He wants to see your license!"

The woman then gave the officer her license.

"I see you are from Arkansas," the patrolman said. "I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband again and asked, "What did he say?"

The old man replied, "He said he knows you!"

Salty_Dog
03-17-2005, 05:48 AM
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same joband both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, the manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."

Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct. This being Ireland, and me being Irish, I should get the job!"

The manager said, "We have made our decision, not on the correct answers, but rather on the question that you missed."

Murphy asked, "And how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

The manager replied, "Simple. The America put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

Salty_Dog
03-17-2005, 05:50 AM
Farmer O'Reilly and Farmer Murphy met in the pub.

"What did you give your Bull when it was ill with the colic?" asked O'Reilly.

"A good dose of Phenyl" said Murphy

A week later they met in the pub again.

"What did you say you gave your Bull with the colic?" said O'Reilly

"Phenyl" said Murphy

"Well, I gave phenyl to my Bull and it died!" said O'Reilly.

"So did mine" said Murphy

Salty_Dog
03-17-2005, 05:52 AM
Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.

"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"

"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk'."

Salty_Dog
03-17-2005, 05:53 AM
Q: What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and would probably kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?

A: A pool table!

ba da BUMP!

atrdnut
03-17-2005, 06:17 AM
Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that."

atrdnut
03-17-2005, 06:20 AM
On Saint Patrick's Day, an Irishman who had a little to much to drink was driving home from the city and his car was weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulled him over.

"So," said the cop to the driver, "Where have you been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

atrdnut
03-17-2005, 06:23 AM
Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
A: Regular rocks are too heavy.

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?
A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: Why do leprechauns have pots o'gold?
A: They like to "go" first class!

Q: How can you tell if an Irishman is having a good time?
A: He's Dublin over with laughter!

Q: What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patty O'furniture!

Q: How did the Irish Jig get started?
A: Too much to drink and not enough restrooms!

Q: What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control his wife?
A: A bachelor.

Q: What would you get if you crossed Christmas with St. Patrick's Day?
A: St. O'Claus!

Q: Are people jealous of the Irish?
A: Sure, they're green with envy!

Q: What would you get if you crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
A: The Halfback of Notre Dame!

Q: Why did the leprechaun stand on the potato?
A: To keep from falling in the stew!

Q: Do leprechauns make good secretaries?
A: Sure, they're great at shorthand!

Q: How did the leprechaun beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
A: He took a shortcut!

Q: What do leprechauns love to barbecue?
A: Short ribs!

Q: Why are leprechauns so hard to get along with?
A: Because they're very short-tempered!


"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"

atrdnut
03-17-2005, 06:30 AM
Q: What's green, fuzzy, has four legs and would probably kill you if it fell out of a tree and landed on you?

A: A pool table!

ba da BUMP!
lol...

Q. How do you make a Snooker table laugh?
A. Put your hands in its pockets and tickle its balls

Q. Why do actors like snooker halls?
A. Because that's where they get their best cues.

RitcheyRch
03-17-2005, 07:01 AM
1) Good
An Erie, PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year
old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read
"RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the
road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we
used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Pittsburgh, PA. A $40 speeding ticket was
included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3) Absolute Best
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania
StateTrooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book,
she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State
Troopers Ball". He replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have
balls".
There was a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car
and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.


The last one reminds me of the time I got pulled over for speeding and the officer asked me why I was in a hurry. I said "my girlfriend wants to get pregnant tonight and I want to be there when it happens." The officer laughed and let me go.

RitcheyRch
03-17-2005, 08:25 AM
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.



Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.



Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."



The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

2 o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.



"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.



"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.



"Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

atrdnut
03-17-2005, 09:41 AM
Lifesavers Taste Test.


A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers.

He gave the children lifesavers and asked them what they tasted like.

The children began to say:

Red............"cherry",

Yellow........."lemon",

Green.........."lime",

Orange........."orange",

Finally the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue, It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled:

"Oh my God!!!! They're a$$holes! :eek: "

Salty_Dog
03-17-2005, 11:32 AM
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Hey, Man! Your recycling my old jokes! See #192! :D

RitcheyRch
03-17-2005, 11:50 AM
Sorry about that. Didnt go back and search.



Hey, Man! Your recycling my old jokes! See #192! :D

AV8R
03-17-2005, 11:56 AM
Didn't search, hopefully no one posted this one:

John & Marsha decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the Neighborhood activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot" he shouted.
A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by"
A few moments later,
"Looks like the Anderson's have company" he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike....."
"The Coopers are having sex!!"
Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!!
Dad cautiously asked, "How do you know they are having sex??"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too."

Ryone
03-17-2005, 04:34 PM
A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:

Save the whales.
Collect the whole set.

A day without sunshine is like,
night.

On the other hand,
you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought.
It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up
on the spot.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest
a bad name.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in
a parallel universe.

Honk if you love peace
and quiet.

Remember,
half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last
thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger
without enthusiasm.

The early bird may get the worm,
but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I drive way too fast to worry
about cholesterol.

Support bacteria.
They're the only culture some people have.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

A clear conscience is usually the sign
of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable,
except from vending machines.

Get a new car for your spouse.
It'll be a great trade!

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest,
and be proud of it!

If you think nobody cares,
try missing a couple of payments.

How many of you believe in telekinesis?
Raise my hand...

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well,
you have obviously overlooked something.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don't have film.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

AND THE ONE I RELATE TO THE MOST THESE DAYS--

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering
"What the hell happened."

Phil0411
03-17-2005, 06:30 PM
Don't feel stupid about using your computer -- read on. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is.

2. SAT technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another SAT customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid," The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer Still couldn't "see" the printer."

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the
technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens," The foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to: remove Disk 1 first.

10. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

11. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

12. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows," The woman responded, No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.

13. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type
the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Now don't you feel better about your skill level?

Phil0411
03-17-2005, 06:50 PM
Before I post this and get any flack, I am a born and raised Montanan that lived there for 38 years and I love the heck out of that state! I just love Florida too, especially in Nov., Dec., Jan., Feb., and March! :D



Aug. 12 Moved to our new home in Montana. It is so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see the snow covering them.

Oct. 14 Montana is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful mountains and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise! I love it here.

Nov. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here.

Dec. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight, I won. Than the snowplow came by. We had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place! I love Montana!!

Dec. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did it's trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted from shoveling. F___ing snowplow.

Dec. 21 More of that white sh*t fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling snow. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling the driveway. A$$HOLE!!

Dec. 25 Merry F___ing Christmas. More f___ing snow!! If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-b*tch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f___ing ice.

Dec. 27 More of the white sh*t last night. Been inside for three days except to shovel the driveway each time the f___ing snowplow goes by. Can't go anywhere. Car's stuck in a mountain of that sh*t. The weatherman says to expect another 10" again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is??

Dec. 28 The f___ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of that white sh*t this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck down the road and the A$$HOLE came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him I had broken six shovels already shoveling all that f___ing white sh*t he had pushed into the driveway. I broke the seventh one over his f___ing head.

Jan. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get groceries. On the way back, a f___ing deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. About $3,000 damage to the car. Those f___ing beasts should all be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe, the son-of-a-b*tch is rusting out from all the salt they put on the roads??

May 10 Moved to Florida. Can't imagine why anyone in their right minds would ever want to live in that f___ing state of Montana!!!!

Salty_Dog
03-18-2005, 05:42 AM
The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight... "promise!"

Well, the hours passed quickly and the beer was going down way too easy. At 3am, $hit-faced drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, I realized she'd probably wake up, so
I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for having such a rapid, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Got away with that one, I thought! Then she told me we needed a new cuckoo clock.

When I asked her why she said, "Well, last night it cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'oh f**k,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more.... then farted."

Salty_Dog
03-18-2005, 05:51 AM
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist
told him, "Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.

Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I
came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it...all of
them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer...
and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!"

Salty_Dog
03-18-2005, 05:53 AM
A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "No, I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun on a date!"

Salty_Dog
03-18-2005, 05:55 AM
A couple, aged 67, went to the doctor's office. "Will you watch us have sex?" the man asked.

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When they had finished he said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have sex." and charged them $40.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "What exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to mine. Holiday Inn charges $87.

We do it here for $40 and I get $38 back from Medicare."

Salty_Dog
03-18-2005, 05:58 AM
A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."

The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.

The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.

Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"

The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.

The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any duck feed?"

Salty_Dog
03-18-2005, 06:00 AM
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

Salty_Dog
03-18-2005, 06:14 PM
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Final

Name: __________________________________
Gang: ________________

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $350 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Jick-Ice is pimping for three hos. If the price is $65 per trick, how many tricks will each ho have to turn so he can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his half-pound of heroin to make a 200% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen two BMWs and eight 4X4s, how many Chevys will he have to steal to make the total $2000?

6. Raoul is in prison for one year, two months for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how much time will he get for killing the b!tch when he gets out?

7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average tag sign is 3 square feet, how many tags can the artiste spray with three cans of paint? (Assume none is used for sniff.)

8. Hector knocked up six of the 27 girls in his gang. What percentage of the girls has Hector knocked up?

Salty_Dog
03-19-2005, 12:34 PM
A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.

The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The man says "Your Boobs."

Salty_Dog
03-19-2005, 12:38 PM
Three doctors were having a drink at the bar at the end of the day. The first doctor, a surgeon, said "I operated on 4 patients today. One more and I'd have had a basketball team."

The second doctor, a general practitioner, said "I saw 10 patients today. One more and I'd have had a football team."

The third doctor, a proctologist, said "I saw 17 patients today. One more and I'd have had a golf course."

Salty_Dog
03-21-2005, 05:15 AM
It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided.

The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student.

He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"Are You sure that you don't know WHO I am?!" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority. "Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Salty_Dog
03-21-2005, 05:17 AM
With no warning and clear out of the blue, a husband said to his wife, "Honey, I have invited a friend home for supper tonight."

His wife replied, "What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't have time to go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal tonight!"

The husband said, "I know all that."

"Then why in the world did you invite your friend for supper tonight?" asked the wife.

The guy answered, "Because the poor fool is thinking about getting married."

healey858
03-21-2005, 04:49 PM
You Know You Have Too Much Horsepower When...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

* The emissions test guy starts laughing as soon as you pull onto the rollers.

* You can't drive your car in the rain.

* Your 'significant other' is afraid to drive your car.

* You are afraid to drive your car.

* You spend more on tires than on food.

* You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.

* You look in a state police car and see a picture of your car taped to the dash.

* You have to go to the race track to buy gas.

* Your mechanic names the new wing of his house after you.

* You're tempted to wear your fire suit just to drive to the office.

* You arrive somewhere before you left.

* You look to secure ANY loose objects in the trunk before you take to the road.

* You get pulled over for doing 155 in a 35 but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood."

* You remove the $2000 stereo system to save 6 lb. of weight.

* You are not allowed to run in the Silver State Challenge.

* You get an anonymous phone call asking if you are interested in being in the Cannonball Run.

* Your face looks like you are riding a NASA centrifuge when you drive the car.

* You need parachute braking.

* Your 'Significant other' won't even ride in the car.

* There is no possible way to "sneak out" of your neighborhood at 6 am.

* Your pets scramble for their hiding spots as soon as the garage door is opened. (Pets, and all the neighbors...)

* Family photos throughout the house are replaced with life-sized posters of your car.

* Fuel is delivered to your home: in 55 gallon drums

* You carry earplugs and a fire extinguisher in your car (doesn't everybody?)

* You find out that side mirrors don't hold up well at speeds exceeding 145 mph

* You have to screw your tires (now slicks) to the wheels to keep from spinning them off.

* Your exhaust pipes are larger in diameter than your sewer pipes.

* Your fuel pump flows enough to water a golf course.

* Your compression's high enough you could run diesel fuel.

* Your engine idles at 2800 rpm.

* You measure the fuel you use in "gallons per mile".

* You forget your kids birthdays, but you never forget Dyno day!

* You are found gently rubbing your 'baby' with a Diaper long after midnight.

* Your face hurts from grinning so much

RitcheyRch
03-22-2005, 04:46 AM
A guy walks into a bar in Irving, Texas and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist?
Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

Salty_Dog
03-22-2005, 05:30 AM
An Arkansas woman is in the welfare office filling out forms. The welfare officer asks her how many children she has?

"Ten boys."

"And their names?"

"Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, Leroy, and Leroy."

"All named Leroy? Why would you name them all Leroy?"

"That way, when I wants them all to come in from the yard, I just yells 'LEROY!', and when I wants them all to come to dinner, I just yells 'LEROY!'"

"What if you just want a particular one of them to do something?"

"Then I calls him by his last name."

Salty_Dog
03-22-2005, 08:02 AM
A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?"

atrdnut
03-22-2005, 08:16 AM
Two snare drums and a cymbal fall down a canyon.


Ba dump pshhh

sbessel
03-22-2005, 05:06 PM
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in... and then the trouble started.

Thai
03-22-2005, 09:05 PM
Gwen met Randy at a nightclub. They hit it off, so she invited him back to her place. When they arrvied at her house, they went right for the bedroom. Randy noticed hundreds of stuffed animals scattered throughout the room. Giant stuffed animals sat on the top of the wardrobe. Slightly smaller stuffed animals sat on the window sill. Many tiny stuffed animals sat on the bottom shelf of her book case. After they had sex, Randy asked, "So.. how was it?"

"Well," Gwen said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf." :clown:

Salty_Dog
03-23-2005, 05:28 AM
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.

When she got home, she realized that she didn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband pulled up.

She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified.

"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."

Salty_Dog
03-23-2005, 05:29 AM
Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."

The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."

Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."

Salty_Dog
03-23-2005, 05:31 AM
The boss was standing in front the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

Salty_Dog
03-23-2005, 05:35 AM
Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Sandra in the arms of another man.

He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be making love to my wife?"

The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with Sandra and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler. Why don't we settle this like gentlemen? We'll sit down and play a game of gin rummy. If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must agree to divorce her.... Okay?"

"Okay," replied Michael, "but just to keep it interesting, let's make it a Penny a Point."

Salty_Dog
03-23-2005, 05:37 AM
A young resident in proctology wants to get some extra practice. So he goes down to the morgue regularly after class and practices on "fresh meat."

One evening, he uncovers a male corpse and turns it over...and, to his surprise, there's a cork in the stiff's rectum. Curious, he pulls out the cork, and out comes the tinny sound of a distant guitar, accompanying a twangy voice singing, "...On the road again ... just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The resident is absolutely dumbfounded. He puts the cork back into the corpse's anus, then runs into the medical examiner's office, where he finds the ME dozing in his chair, feet up on his desk.

"C'mere, doc! You gotta see this!" the resident shouts, and drags the ME over to the drawer where the corpse is still lying face-down. Once again, he pulls out the cork, and both men hear, "...On the road again ... just can't wait to get on the road again..."

The ME blinks blearily. "You woke me up just to show me *that*?"

"Well...yeah!" the resident says. "You mean that's not the most amazing thing you've ever seen?"

"What, are you kidding me?" the ME says. "Any a$$hole can sing country
music!"

sbessel
03-23-2005, 09:50 AM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. Finally, the doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was being breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination that seemed to be quite enjoyed by the woman. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma."

sbessel
03-23-2005, 09:52 AM
A man wakes up one morning with a huge erection that just won't go away. After a couple of days, he is really concerned, so he puts on the baggiest pair of trousers he can find and heads for the drug store. He enters the store and goes to the pharmaceutical section. The lady there asks if she might help him. He asks to see a male pharmacist. The woman tells him that there is no male pharmacist. The man starts to leave. The woman says, "Wait a minute, sir, I am a registered pharmacist, as is my sister, and we own the store. We are very professional and discreet and accustomed to personal problems of all kinds." The guy is desperate. He edges up to the counter, unzips his trousers, and gets out his rather stiff member. He then says, "What can you give me for this?" The woman says, "How long has it been that way?" The man responds, "Almost three days." The woman says, "I will have to consult with my sister, and I'll be right back. She leaves and returns in a few minutes. The man asks, "What did you decide?" She says, "The best we can do right now is $5,000 and a half interest in the drug store."

Salty_Dog
03-24-2005, 05:21 AM
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came
back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

Salty_Dog
03-24-2005, 05:27 AM
There was an old lady who would come out every morning on the steps of her front porch, raise her arms to the sky, and shout, "Praise the Lord!"

Well, one day, an atheist moved into the house next door. Over time, he became irritated at the old lady. So, every morning he would step out onto his front porch and yell after her, "There is no Lord!"

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. Then one morning in the middle of the winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "Praise the Lord! Lord, I have no food and I am starving. Please provide food for me, oh Lord!"

The next morning, she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "Praise the Lord!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"

The atheist jumped out of the hedges and shouted. "There is no Lord. I bought the groceries!"

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "Praise the Lord! He has provided me with groceries and He made the devil pay for them!"

Salty_Dog
03-25-2005, 05:19 AM
There was a lady sitting on a park bench when an old man came over to sit down. He moved over to her side and said "Do you believe in the hereafter?"

"Yes.", she said.

"Good.", he replied, "Then you know what I'm here after."

Salty_Dog
03-25-2005, 05:27 AM
At the site of the plane crash, one lone survivor sat with his back against a tree, chewing on a bone. As he tossed the bone onto a huge pile
of more bones, he noticed the rescue team. "Thank God", he cried out in relief. "I am saved!"

The rescue team did not move, as they were in shock, seeing the pile of human bones beside this lone survivor. Obviously he had eaten his fellow passengers.

The survivor saw the horror in their faces and said "Wait a minute. You can't judge me for this. I had to survive. Is it so wrong to want to live?"

The leader of the rescue team stepped forward, shaking his head in disbelief. "I won't judge you for doing what was necessary to survive, but my God man, your plane only went down yesterday!" :eek:

Salty_Dog
03-25-2005, 05:31 AM
DID YOU KNOW...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (Oh My God!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy...I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

Salty_Dog
03-25-2005, 05:32 AM
There was an old man, a boy, and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride. As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they both should walk.

Soon they passed some more people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the critics were right so, they decided that they both should ride.

They soon passed other people who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor little animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right, so they decided to carry the donkey.

As they crossed a bridge they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your a$$.

Salty_Dog
03-25-2005, 11:28 AM
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

RitcheyRch
03-28-2005, 07:34 AM
Two Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Wipe that smile off your face! :-)

molecule
03-28-2005, 09:29 AM
Subject: HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT
HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT in January 2008

Hillary Clinton gets elected President and is spending her first
night in the White House. She has waited so long..........

The ghost of George Washington appears, and Hillary says, "How
can I best serve my country?" Washington says, "Never tell a lie."

"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary
says, "How can I best serve my country?" Jefferson says, "Listen to the
people."

"Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary
says, "How can I best serve my country?"





Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

Salty_Dog
03-29-2005, 05:22 AM
The other day I went to the local religious book store, where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus.

Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must REALLY love the lord because pretty soon, he leaned out his window and yelled, "Jesus Christ!!" as loud as he could. It was like a football game with him shouting, "GO JESUS CHRIST,GO!!!"

Everyone else started honking, too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all of those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my two kids what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign. So, I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped out of his car and yelled something. I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like, "Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there." Maybe he was from Florida, too. He must really love the Lord.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking toward me.

I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and stepped on the gas. And a good thing I did, because I was the only driver to get across the intersection.

I looked back at them standing there. I leaned way out the window, gave them a big smile and held up the Hawaiian good luck sign, as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.

atrdnut
03-29-2005, 08:26 AM
A doctor advised an overweight man to lose 75 pounds. The man saw an ad for a guaranteed weight-loss program. He purchased the plan that promised that he woud lose 10 pounds in three days. The next day, a voluptuous woman appeared at his door. She was wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around her neck that read, IF YOU CAN CATCH ME, YOU CAN HAVE ME.

She began to run away. He took off after her. A mile later, he caught her and they had sex. The same woman showed up the next two days. Each time, he ran after her, caught her and had sex with her. ON the third day, he was delighted to see he'd lost 10 pounds. So he called the company and ordered the plan that guaranteed he'd lose 20 pounds in seven days. "Are you sure?" the telephone representative asked. "It's our most rigorus program."
"Yes," he replied.

The next day, the doorbell rang. He opened it, expecting to see the same woman. INstead, a man was standing there wearing nothing but running shoes and a sign around his neck that read, IF I CATCH YOU, YOU'RE MINE.

Salty_Dog
03-30-2005, 05:48 AM
A doctor was doing his morning rounds in the Psych Ward when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked Patient #1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself."

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

Salty_Dog
03-30-2005, 05:53 AM
Two old Irishmen were sitting at the local pub knocking back a few beers.

So, Tommy O'Ryan said to Liam Halloren, "Liam, me buddy, me ol' pal. When I die would ya please pour a couple of beers o'er me grave?"

Liam said, "Why certainly, but would ya mind if I pass 'em through me kidneys first?"

Salty_Dog
03-30-2005, 05:56 AM
Audrey was a busy housewife with a demanding husband, six children and a large house. The only relief Audrey got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women. The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Audrey loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

To teach Audrey a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she started to tell an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, and meet at another home but without Audrey.

Sure enough, at the next bridge club meeting, Audrey started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say..." just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.

Audrey was disconcerted, but only for a moment. Then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time because the bus doesn't leave until morning!"

Salty_Dog
03-30-2005, 05:58 AM
Dear Abby:

My husband is so unfaithful, that I'm not even sure my last baby is his....

Salty_Dog
03-30-2005, 06:07 AM
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TRAILER TRASH WHEN...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen start your engines."

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

13. You doubled the Bluebook value of your truck by filling up the gas tank.

14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

15. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.

21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side....

22. If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart...

23. If your working T.V. sits on top of your non-working R.V...

24. If you thought the Una-bomber was a wrestler...

25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...

26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart...

27. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home...

28. If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement...

29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher

30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"

31. If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty...

32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph...

33. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is...

34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate...

35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

36. Your wife ever said to you "Honey, will you come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

37. If you don't understand why the first 36 are funny.

Salty_Dog
03-30-2005, 06:14 AM
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest, and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my Porridge?" he roars.

Mama Bear, exasperated, finally loses her cool and yells, "For god's sakes, how many times do we have to go through this?

"It was Mama Bear who got up first! It was Mama Bear who woke up everyone in the house! It was Mama Bear who made the Coffee! It was Mama Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away! It was Mama Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper! It was Mama Bear who set the table! It was Mama Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled the cat's water and food dish!

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry a$$es downstairs and grace Mama Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more time ........

I HAVEN"T MADE THE F**KING PORRIDGE YET!!

Salty_Dog
03-30-2005, 06:17 AM
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting hiswife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.

He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

Salty_Dog
03-30-2005, 06:20 AM
During heavy flooding caused by La Nina, a priest refused to obey evacuation orders and decided to stay back in town.

As the flood waters rose higher, he climbed to the roof of his house and started praying to God for help.

After an hour of devout praying, a boat came by. The priest refused the boat crew's help.

"God will come to my assistance," he said. And he remained on the roof of his house.

After another hour praying, a canoe came by. The priest refused the owner's help.

"God will rescue me," he said. And he remained on the roof of his house.

After yet another hour of prayer, a helicopter flew by. Yet again, the priest refused help.

"God will help me", he said. And again, he remained on the roof of his house.

Despite continuous praying, the flood waters rose and the priest eventually drowned in the raging water.

In heaven, he met God and asked Him, "Why didn't you help me? I called for help and you didn't answer my prayers!"

"Didn't the help arrive? I sent a canoe, a boat, and a helicopter to your rescue!"

Salty_Dog
03-30-2005, 06:29 AM
A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny holding a list. "Lady," Johnny explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"My babysitter's boyfriend."

RitcheyRch
04-01-2005, 08:53 AM
As we age, our priorities change ........
The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went fishing.

nucleus
04-02-2005, 01:15 PM
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to man who has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.

The guy says "Wow, cool lighter...where did you get it?"

"A genie from this bottle granted me one wish."

"Great, can I try it?"

"Sure."

The guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish", says the genie.

The guy says, "I want a million bucks!"

"Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and then the bar door swings open and ducks come pouring in, thousands upon thousands of ducks, falling all over each other as they come through the door.

"I can't believe this," the guy says, "I asked for a million BUCKS, not a million DUCKS!"

The man says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12" Bic?"

RWK
04-02-2005, 01:39 PM
Two Muslims fundamentalists are sitting in a Gaza Strip bar chatting over a pint of goat's milk. One pulls his wallet out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son, Mohammed...he is a martyr."

"This is my second son, Ahmad. He is a martyr also."

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Arab says wistfully, "They sure blow up so fast, don't they?"

RitcheyRch
04-03-2005, 03:37 PM
A young man just got a job running the register at a store. The old timer said he would teach him how to sell things."Watch how I do it." he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

The customer put a bag of seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him."You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a lawnmower to cut that grass."
"You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said."I think I see what you mean. Let me handle the next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young saleman then said."You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man then asked the young salesman,
"What are you talking about?"
"Well, he said. "It looks like your weekend is shot so you might as well cut the grass!"

Salty_Dog
04-04-2005, 05:17 AM
The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: "Give four advantages of breast milk." What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.

2. Cats can't steal it.

3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.

RitcheyRch
04-04-2005, 09:04 AM
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..
________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

Salty_Dog
04-04-2005, 01:04 PM
I hate those Internet Hoax warnings I always get in my email. But this one is real. So be forewarned.

If you receive an email from someone who says they are taking a survey, and they want you to email them a picture of you naked, don't fall for it.

It is not a survey. They just want to see you naked.

I fell for it and found out the hard way. Don't let this happen to you.

Salty_Dog
04-05-2005, 05:06 AM
Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had a fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Harvey replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees."

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

"She said, "Come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!!!"

Salty_Dog
04-05-2005, 05:09 AM
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached he desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my d!ck," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated, winking. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"It hurts when I p!ss out of it," the man replied.

Salty_Dog
04-05-2005, 05:11 AM
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values. Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"

Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"

Salty_Dog
04-05-2005, 05:11 AM
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

Salty_Dog
04-05-2005, 05:12 AM
Overheard in the Divorce Court:

"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Salty_Dog
04-05-2005, 05:12 AM
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife."

"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.

Salty_Dog
04-05-2005, 05:13 AM
This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at A blonde wearing the tightest spandex pants he's ever seen. Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and asks, "How do you get into those pants?"

The young woman looks him over and replies, "Well, you could start by buying me a drink."

Salty_Dog
04-05-2005, 05:18 AM
Two things Navy SEALS are always taught:

Keep your priorities in order,

Know when to act without hesitation.

A college professor, an avowed atheist and active in the ACLU, was teaching his class. He shocked several of his students when he flatly stated that once and for all he was going to prove there was no God. Addressing the ceiling he shouted: "GOD, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes!!!!!"

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by.

"I'm waiting God, if you're real knock me off this platform!!!!" Again after 4 minutes, the professor taunted God saying, "Here I am, God!!! I'm still waiting!!!"

His count down got down to the last couple of minutes when a SEAL, just released from the Navy after serving in Afghanistan and Iraq and newly registered in the class, walked up to the Professor. The SEAL hit him full force in the face, and sent the Professor tumbling from his lofty platform. The Professor was out cold!!

The students were stunned and shocked. They began to babble in confusion. The SEAL nonchalantly took his seat in the front row and sat silent. The class looked at him and fell silent.....waiting.

Eventually, the professor came to and was noticeably shaken. He looked at the SEAL in the front row. When the professor regained his senses and could speak he asked: "What the hell is the matter with you?! Why did you do that!?"

"God was really busy protecting America's soldiers, who are protecting your right to say stupid sh!t and act like an a$$hole!!! So he sent me!!"

atrdnut
04-05-2005, 11:59 AM
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of b!tches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b!tches who are getting on, get your a$$es on the train cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b!tch in the kitchen."

wylcat
04-05-2005, 06:15 PM
In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get
into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament. Sir, she said," You may use the
ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the
wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the
buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by
letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he
touched them?

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently
upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms
don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff
caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this

unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a
restroom

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to
push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed,
and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was
pushing the ATR button.

"The button marked ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover.

Your peni$ is under your pillow."

Men Never Listen.

Salty_Dog
04-10-2005, 01:59 PM
A group of leading medical researchers has published data indicating that Seder participants should NOT partake of both chopped liver and charoses. It seems that this combination can lead to Charoses of the Liver.

At our seder, we had whole wheat and bran matzoh, fortified with Metamucil. The brand name, of course, is..."Let My People Go."

Old Jewish men in Miami get hernias from wearing chai's which are too heavy. This condition is called chaiatal hernia!"

If a doctor carries a black bag and a plumber carries a tool box, what does a mohel carry? A bris kit!

JEWISH JEOPARDY: We give the answer, you give the question

A: Midrash
Q: What is a Middle East skin disease?

A: The Gaza Strip
Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dance?

A: A classroom, a Passover ceremony, and a latke.
Q: What are a cheder, a seder, and a tater?

A: Sofer
Q: On what do Jews recline on Passover?

A: Babylon
Q: What does the rabbi do during some sermons?

A: Filet Minyan
Q: What do you call steaks ordered by 10 Jews?

A: Kishka, sukkah, and circumcision
Q: What are a gut, a hut, and a cut?

And speaking of circumcisions: An enterprising Rabbi is offering circumcisions via the Internet. The service is to be called..."E-MOIL."

nucleus
04-11-2005, 06:47 PM
In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name. For example, the trade name Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known as naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprophen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Salty_Dog
04-12-2005, 05:17 AM
My grandmother died yesterday. She sat down in a chair, fell asleep, and passed away quietly.

We are ok about it. After all, She was 93.

But it scared the hell out of the dentist.

Salty_Dog
04-12-2005, 05:28 AM
Defense Attorney: What is your age?

Little old Woman: I am 86 years old. :)

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you on the first of April of this year?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly. :D

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not? :confused:

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and said to him..."Take me. young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you? :eek:

Little old Woman: No, he just yelled, "April Fool!" ... And that's when I shot the little bastard! :mad:

Salty_Dog
04-12-2005, 06:54 AM
It is important for men to remember, that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive and there ain't nothing worse then an oversensitive woman.

My name is John .... Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Mary.

When I was laid off from my consulting job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Mary to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the Golf Course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door...

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

I really think my old business as a consultant helps a lot. I consider telling people what they ought to do one of my strong points...

And speaking of bed, her age really shows up there. I go out and golf all day, come in dead tired and after a two hour nap and a good meal, I'm ready, if you know what I mean. Age has gotten her so bad that she actually dozes off during lovemaking. But that's okay. Her satisfaction in that area is important to a sensitive guy like me and if she enjoys sleeping during our little trysts, what the hey...

Now that she has gotten older, she does seem to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the basement. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this; as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I'm willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge meeting, or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club, or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling, or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting...

Also, if I had a really good day on the course and it was wet and muddy my clubs are a mess, so I let her clean them, you know..... get the grit off the grips and a little light Brillo on the club faces at a casual pace. My golf bag is heavy so I lift it out of the trunk for her. Women are delicate , have weak wrists and can't lift heavy stuff as good as men. But I did tell her I don't like to be wakened during my after golf nap, so rather then bother me, she can put them back in the trunk when she's finished.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find t ime to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But boys, we take em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too, then take her break by my hammock. That way she can talk with me until I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Mary. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. Nobody knows better than I do, how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...

EDITOR'S NOTE: John died suddenly Thursday, January 3. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver rammed up his rear end with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Mary was arrested, but the Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it and she was released on Friday, January 4th.

molecule
04-12-2005, 02:02 PM
This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" "Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." "That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long." Services will be held at 2:30pm Saturday at Precious Memories Mortuary.

Salty_Dog
04-13-2005, 05:22 AM
I liked my Third Grade teacher, Mrs. Williams. She always had a smile on her face. She made me fell special. I never forgot what a big influence she was on my life and how I became who I am today because of her. I used to tell her that a lot.


At least, I did. Until she got that restraining order out on me.

Salty_Dog
04-14-2005, 05:16 AM
A Dog's Top-Ten Complaints About Humans:

10. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!!!

9. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

8. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

7. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose... stop it!

6. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

5. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Woo! Hoo! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain....

4. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

3. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

2. Dog sweaters. Hello???, Haven't you noticed the fur? We've lived for thousands of years in the wild without sweaters. We don't need to wear one when we go outside in the winter.

1. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these thing's. We both know who's boss here!!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you???

RitcheyRch
04-15-2005, 07:29 AM
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments that were funny. Here are some of them. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years.


This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)

Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent.
(Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of it's head.
(Billy age 8)•

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.
(Millie age 6)

When ships had ! sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.
(William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)

My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish
(Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.
(Kevin age 6)

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
(Julie age 6)

atrdnut
04-15-2005, 11:11 AM
Fred gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Fred replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates," he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.

Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand.

And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Salty_Dog
04-15-2005, 01:59 PM
At the end of the tax year the Tax office sent an inspector to audit the books of the synagogue. While he was checking the books, he turned to the rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with all the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But, on he went in his obnoxious way. "What about all those matzo purchases? What do you do with all the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with unanswerable questions.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers and every so often they send us a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well Rabbi," he went on,"what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d!ck."

Big Green
04-15-2005, 02:30 PM
Here's one for all you old folks....

Things To Ponder

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins....the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number.

Think about this..., No one ever says "It's only a game" when his team is winning.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There's no way you're going to like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Salty_Dog
04-16-2005, 06:20 PM
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue " 1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO : I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

Salty_Dog
04-18-2005, 05:19 AM
Maria, an Italian woman was extrememly religious. When she was married, she refused to use protection because she felt that birth control was going against God's will. She and her husband had seventeen kids.

Maria's husband got sick and passed away. As time went by, Maria moved on with her life and married another man. Again, she refused to use protection because of her religious beliefs. She and her second husband have fifteen kids.

Again, Maria lost her husband. But, soon after her husband's death, she passed away as well. At the ceremony at the cemetery the priest looked down at the coffin then looked up at the sky and said, "They're finally together."

This confuses one of the family members at the service and after the ceremony, asks the priest.

Father," he starts, "back at the cemetery when you said, 'they're finally together,' did you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The father takes a long look and him and says, "I was talking about her legs."

Salty_Dog
04-18-2005, 05:22 AM
A woman's husband dies. He had $20,000 to his name.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is no money left. The friend says, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation for the church and the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend says, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My stars, how big was it?"

The widow says, "Three carats!"

RitcheyRch
04-18-2005, 08:01 AM
Social Security....

After retiring, I went to the social security office
to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my
age....
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet
at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I
seemed to have left my wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and come back later."
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my
shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof
enough for me" and she processed my Social Security
application....

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the social security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability too...."

RitcheyRch
04-18-2005, 09:21 AM
A bus full of really ugly people died in a wreck. As they were all standing in line in heaven, God decided to grant every one of them one wish for having had to endure a life of misery for being so unattractive.

The first person said, "I want to be beautiful," so God made it happen.

The second person then said, "I want to be beautiful," so God made it happen again.

This continues all the way through the line, with each person wishing to be made beautiful.

However, as this was going on God noticed that the man at the end of the line was laughing. Not only was he laughing, but as each person expressed their wish to be made beautiful, the man continued to laugh harder and harder, until he was laughing hysterically.

When the man's turn finally came up, God asked him for his wish.

The man said, "Make 'em all ugly again."

Salty_Dog
04-19-2005, 05:20 AM
A man was in his front yard attempting teach his son how to fly a kite. However, every time the kite got up into the air, it turned over and came crashing back down.

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"

Salty_Dog
04-19-2005, 05:23 PM
A man is admitted to hospital with severe burns to his lower body.

"Quick!" says the doctor to the nurse. "Give that man 40cc's of Viagra IV STAT!"

"Viagra?" says the nurse. "Will that help the burns?"

"No," says the doctor, "but it will keep the sheets off of his legs."

lunagr
04-21-2005, 10:21 AM
This one is long but funny:


High Speed Performance
Characteristics of Pickup Trucks
by P.J. O'Rourke

I'm an experienced pickup truck driver. I was driving my pickup the other Saturday night after having - as I made very clear to the police - hardly anything to drink and while going - honest, officer - about thirty miles an hour when, I swear, a deer ran into the road, and I was forced to pull of the highway with such abruptness that it took the wrecker crew six hours to get my truck out of the woods.

An experienced pickup truck driver is a person who's wrecked one. An inexperienced pickup truck driver is a person who's about to wreck one. A very inexperienced pickup truck driver doesn't even own a pickup but will probably be mistaken for a wild antelope by people jack-lighting pronghorns in somebody else's pickup truck. The foremost high-speed-handling characteristic of pickup trucks is the remarkably high speed with which they head from wherever you are directly into trouble. This has to do with beer. The minute you get in a pickup you want a beer. I'm not exactly sure why this is, but personally I blame it on Jimmy Carter having been President.

You see, everyone in America has always wanted to be a redneck. That's why all those wig-and-knicker colonial guys moved to Kentucky with Davy Crockett even before he got his TV show. And witness aristocratic young Theodore Roosevelt's attempt to be a "rough rider." Even Henry James used the same last name as his peckerwood cousin Jesse. And as Henry James would tell you, if anyone read him anymore and also if he were still alive, the single most prominent distinguishing feature of the redneck is t hat he drives a pickup truck. This explains why all of us are muscling these things around downtown Minneapolis and Cincinnati.

You may be wondering where Jimmy Carter comes in. Well, Jimmy Carter was a redneck just like we're all trying to be, but he was a sober redneck. Most of us had never seen a sober redneck, and we have the Reagan landslide to testify that none of us ev er want to see one again. It was a horrifying apparition. And ever since Jimmy Carter all of us rednecks have had to be very careful to be drunk rednecks lest we turn into some kind of awful creature with big buck teeth and a State Department fu ll of human-rights yahoos.

Thus the pickup truck has become the world's only beer-guided motor vehicle. Let's examine one unit of this guidance system. Let's examine another. Let's examine the whole six-pack. Now let's drive over and see if any ducks have come in on Hodge Po nd. Whooops! Crash! Forgot the camper back wasn't bolted down.


The Pickup: Design and Engineering
A pickup is basically a back porch with an engine attached. Both a pickup and a back porch are good places to drink beer because you can always take a leak standing up from either. Pickup trucks are generally a little faster downhill than back porche s, with the exception of certain California back porches during mudslide season. But back porches get better gas mileage.

Another important difference between back porches and pickup trucks is the suspension systems. Back porches are most often seated firmly on the ground by means of cement-block foundations. Nothing nearly that sophisticated is used in pickup trucks. The front suspension of a modern pickup truck is fully independent. Each wheel is independently bolted right to the frame. The rear suspension is a live axle usually attached by a rope to someone else's bumper while he tries to pull you out of the woods .

This suspension design is ideal for use in conjunction with the pickup's 100 percent front/0 percent rear weight distribution. This weight distribution is achieved through engine placement. The engine is place just where you'd place it on a back porc h - hanging off one end so you can get under it and take a look at the giant dent in the oil pan you got when you ran over the patio furniture last night.

Theoretically such forward-weight bias should cause gross understeer. But everyone involved with pickup trucks is whooping it up too much to have any grasp of theory, so the forward-weight bias causes oversteer instead. What happens to an unloaded pi ckup truck in a curve is that the rear end has nothing to do - is unemployed, metaphorically speaking - so it comes around to ask you for work, up there in the front of the truck where all the weight is. And the result is exactly like one of those revolv ing restaurants that they have on hotels except it's on four bald snow tires instead of a hotel, and it's in the middle of the highway, and it tips over.

In order to correct this handling problem, the pickup's load bed is filled with leaf mulch, garden loam, hundred-pound bags of dog food, two snowmobiles, half a cord of birch logs, your son's Cub Scout pack, and a used refrigerator to put beer in out o n the back porch. The result is an adjusted weight bias of 0 percent front/100 percent rear that causes a handling problem different from either understeer or oversteer, which is no steering at all because the front wheels aren't touching the ground.

The same kind of thinking that went into pickup truck suspension design has also been applied to the pickup engine, which is basically the same device Jim Watt was using to pump water out of coal mines in 1810 except that, in accordance with recent EPA ruling, a hanky soaked in Pinsol has been stuffed into each cylinder to cut down on exhaust emissions. There are three types of pickup truck engines: the six-cylinder engine, which does not have enough cylinders; the eight-cylinder engine, which has to o many; and the four-cylinder engine, which is found in "mini pickups" driven by people who thing John Denver is the right kind of redneck to be and believe they can talk to whales. The less said about four-cylinder engines the better. But all these eng ines have a common fault in that they continue to run after the ignition has been switched off, a phenomenon known as "dieseling." Engines that actually are diesels have been introduced for pickup trucks and they rectify this problem by not starting in t he first place.

It doesn't matter. The real power for pickup trucks is generated inside the gearbox, or at least it seems to be because it's so noisy in there. And if it isn't, it soon will be after you get blotto and start shifting without the clutch.

There are usually five gears in a pickup. One is a mystery gear which is illustrated on the shift knob but cannot be found. Then there is first gear, which is good for getting stuck in the woods. When you aren't stuck in the woods it's good for yank ing your bumper off while trying to help a friend who owns a pickup when he's stuck in the woods. First gear has a top speed of three. Third gear has a slightly higher top speed but you can't climb a speed bump without downshifting and the truc k still only gets eight mpg. It is not known exactly what third gear is for. All normal pickup truck driving is done in second. Pickups also have a reverse gear, which is good for getting more completely stuck in the woods than first gear can do alone.

Because pickup trucks get stuck in the woods so often, four-wheel drive has become a popular option. The four-wheel-drive feature is either operated by a lever which fails to put the truck in 4WD or by a lever which fails to take it out. Four-wheel d rive allows you to mire four wheels axle-deep in the woods instead of just two.

Perhaps the most novel aspect to pickup truck engineering is that pickups have no brakes. True, there's a parking brake which, if you set it, allows you to let your driverless pickup roll downhill into a busy intersection with a clear conscience. And there is a brake pedal, but stepping on it only produces a poignant desire for one more beer before you crash into the woods, but sometimes the spare tire, which hangs down behind the bumper in the back, will fall partly out of its mounting and produce d rag force. And very often a pickup will run out of gas and coast to a stop. And right in front of a bar, too - according to what you told your wife.

That just goes to show how thoroughgoing the relationship is between pickups and drinking. I mean it sure looks like these things were designed by people who'd been drinking. And the level of finish indicates they were built by people who'd been drin king. It only stands to reason they should be driven by people like us who are half in the bag. As a result, the most popular pickup truck performance modification is - you guessed it - having a drink. For instance, at sixty miles an hour take a tight turn and notice that if you hadn't been tight you never would have taken that turn in the first place. Now you call a wrecker and I'll go get some tall ones.


Driving Technique
Driving a pickup at high speed is a difficult skill to master. The first step is to assume the proper driving position: Use one hand to firmly grasp the drip rail on the roof. This takes the place of shoulder harness, lap belt, and air bag and lets you give the finger to people with anti-handgun bumper stickers on their cars. Then place you r other hand on the gearshift knob so you'll always know what gear you're in (which is second, as I pointed out before). Now take your third hand...Perhaps som e picture of the difficulty is beginning to emerge. Anyway, be sure to balance your beer can carefully in your lap.

The second step is to drive over to the 7-Eleven and get more beer. Use your down vest to mop up the one you spilled all over your crotch as you backed out the driveway.

The third step is cornering technique. There are three ways to take a high-speed curve in a pickup. The first way is to use the traditional racecar driver's "late apex": Go deep into the curve at full speed doing all your downshifting and useless br ake-pedal pumping in a straight line. Then, in one smooth motion, turn the wheel to the full extent necessary for the curve. Aim for an apex slightly past the geometrical apex of the inside edge of the curve and slowly bring the steering wheel back to s traight ahead as you reapply the throttle. This will put your truck into the woods. The second way to take a fast curve is to come into the curve slightly slower, dial in a greater amount of steering, and stay on the throttle so as to propel the truck i nto a "power slide." This will put your truck in the woods too. The third method is to come to a full stop before entering the curve and have a beer. While you're doing that someone else will come along in another pickup truck and knock you into the wo ods anyway.

Now that you've wrecked a pickup and are an experienced pickup truck driver, it's important to know what to tell the police. Tell them a deer ran into the road. This happens very frequently in the places where we rednecks live, especially when we've been drinking. For example, below are the five most common explanations made to the North Carolina Highway Patrol by drivers who have put their pickup trucks into the woods:

1. A deer ran into the road.
2. A deer ran into the road.
3. A deer ran into the road.
4. A deer ran into the road.
5. I was stopped at a stop sign but I had to start up again real fast and run my pickup into the woods because otherwise it would have been smashed by this deer that ran into the road.


Purchase, Repair, and Maintenance of the High-Performance Pickup Truck
If, however, you still haven't wrecked a pickup truck and are weighing the obvious delights of having an opportunity to do so against such considerations as wanting to be a redneck but only having enough money to be middle-class or having a wife who th ought she was marrying a college-educated account executive, here are some points for you to consider. First, how much will a pickup truck cost?

Pickup: $9360.00
Beer: $2.89
Another pickup to replace first one that you wreck: $9360.00
Rabbit for wife, who won't drive truck: $8750.00
TOTAL: $27,472.89

That's a fair piece of change. But on the other hand, pickup trucks are virtually maintenance-free. In fact, all pickup repairs can be done with a long chain. Attach one end of the chain to the pickup truck, drop the other end of the chain on the gr ound, and go buy a real car.

You may also want to know if a pickup truck is truly useful. I'm afraid the answer is yes -- all to much so. But, when all is said and done, it really would have looked silly at the end of Easy Rider if Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper had been shot by a couple of guys in a Fiat Brava. And what's life for if you never get a chance to shoot the likes of Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper? Besides, you'll never really appreciate the profound and astonishing beauties of nature if you don't get stuck in the woods now and then. And you won't appreciate them half as much if you don't have a lot of beer along.

Salty_Dog
04-22-2005, 05:35 AM
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six."

Salty_Dog
04-22-2005, 05:39 AM
Football practice was delayed on Monday for nearly two hours for the <insert your favorite team here>. One of the players, while on his way to the locker room happened to look down and notice a suspicious looking, unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. The coach immediately suspended practice while the FBI was called in to investigate.

After a complete field analysis, the FBI determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice was resumed when the FBI decided that the team would not be likely to encounter the substance again.

Salty_Dog
04-22-2005, 05:44 AM
In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."

Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."

In a nonsmoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."

On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."

On a fence, "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership, "The best way to get back on your feet --miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop, "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a dry cleaner's emporium, "Drop your pants here."

On a desk in a reception room, "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company, "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Beauty Shop, "Curl up and Dye!"

On the side of a garbage truck, "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

In a restaurant window, "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Inside a bowling alley, "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

In a cafeteria, "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."

Salty_Dog
04-25-2005, 05:15 AM
Two Democrats were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.

"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten." he pleaded.

The two Democrats turned and walked away.

One remarked to the other colleague, "You know the person that did this really needs help."

Salty_Dog
04-25-2005, 05:18 AM
A small boy asks his dad "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it. I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The Nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to
his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the Future is in deep doo-doo."

Salty_Dog
04-25-2005, 05:32 AM
Have you heard about the Hooters application process?

They hand the girls a bra and say "Fill this out."

Salty_Dog
04-25-2005, 05:32 AM
I just received a spam today:

Subject: New! Viagra soft tabs.

Isn't that a contradiction?

RitcheyRch
04-25-2005, 06:12 AM
new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.

He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the vodka, dont gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
1. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
3. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
4. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a$$.
5. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
6. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
Junior and the spook.
7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
8. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,
dont say he was stoned off his a$$.
9. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.
10. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this
and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me" .
11. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"
12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub
thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
13. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peters not a
peter pulling contest at St. Taffys.

atrdnut
04-25-2005, 12:43 PM
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

atrdnut
04-25-2005, 12:45 PM
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards him. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, " business... I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,"What's your business role at the convention?"

"Lecture," she replied "I'm the lead lecturer and I use information I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really," he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"

She explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it's the Native American Indian who is most apt to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best.

I've also discovered that the lover with the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I am so sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you I don't even know your name."

"My name is Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba!"

atrdnut
04-25-2005, 12:52 PM
Saturday afternoon, I was sitting on my lawn chair, drinking beer and
watching my wife, mow the lawn.

Amanda from next door was so upset at this that she came over and
shouted "you should be hung." I took a swig from my bottle of Corona,
wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses,
stared directly at this nosey woman and calmly replied, "I am, that's why
she cuts the grass."

After a few days I really started to feel guilty and so bad for my poor wife,
so I went and bought her a riding mower to show my sensitive side. I got
such a great deal, I'm so proud of it that I have attached a picture.

Click HERE (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v612/atrdnut/Funny/4pwda8.jpg) for photo

atrdnut
04-25-2005, 02:00 PM
So there are two astronauts and a blonde at the bar.

The astronautes are talking about going to the moon and back. The blonde says "Well im going to go the sun."

The two astronautes look at each other and look at the blond and think to themselves, "Is she for real?"

And she said, "Why are you looking at me like that? I'm going to go at night. Duh."

atrdnut
04-25-2005, 02:03 PM
So there is a cop waiting in front of a bar one night and he sees a dude walk out of the bar and thinks "I'm going to bust his a$$."

So the dude walks to one car and tries to open it. It's not his car. So he tries another and another and another until he gets to his car. The cop is thinking, "I got his a$$ as soon as he leaves the parking lot" but the dude just sits there and sits there and sits there.

As more people leave the bar the cop decides to wait for the first guy. A while goes by and more people leave the bar. Finally the guy puts the car in reverse and pulls out of the parking space only to put the car back in to the space. By now the cop is like "WHAT THE HELL!!!!" Then after another long while everyone is gone from the bar and the guy drives off, only to get pulled over.

The cop asks him to take a breathalizer test and the result is negative. The cop says, "I'll have to take you down to the station. This thing must be broken"

The guy says, "No its working just fine. I havent had a drop to drink. I was the designated decoy."

japes
04-25-2005, 02:54 PM
One of my all time favs, although kinda scary..


So there is a cop waiting in front of a bar one night and he sees a dude walk out of the bar and thinks "I'm going to bust his a$$."

So the dude walks to one car and tries to open it. It's not his car. So he tries another and another and another until he gets to his car. The cop is thinking, "I got his a$$ as soon as he leaves the parking lot" but the dude just sits there and sits there and sits there.

As more people leave the bar the cop decides to wait for the first guy. A while goes by and more people leave the bar. Finally the guy puts the car in reverse and pulls out of the parking space only to put the car back in to the space. By now the cop is like "WHAT THE HELL!!!!" Then after another long while everyone is gone from the bar and the guy drives off, only to get pulled over.

The cop asks him to take a breathalizer test and the result is negative. The cop says, "I'll have to take you down to the station. This thing must be broken"

The guy says, "No its working just fine. I havent had a drop to drink. I was the designated decoy."

atrdnut
04-25-2005, 06:48 PM
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each.

It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.

hemoglobin
04-25-2005, 11:58 PM
Hmmmm. That kind of reminds me of this;

RitcheyRch
04-26-2005, 09:17 AM
Taking a week break from the golf circuit, Tiger Woods drove his new Ford Excursion into an Irish gas station. An attendant greeted him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro was.

"Top of the mornin' to ya!" the Irishman smiled, doffing his cap. As Tiger got out of the mammoth vehicle, two tees fell out of his pocket.

"So what are those, lad?" asked the attendant. "They're called tees,"
replied Tiger. "And what would ya be usin' 'em for, now?"
inquired the Irishman. "Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," said Tiger.

"AW! Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph," exclaimed the Irish attendant.
"Those fellas at FORD think of everything!"

Salty_Dog
04-27-2005, 05:33 AM
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic... And that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You BASTARD... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother."

By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."

RitcheyRch
04-27-2005, 07:29 AM
Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the very beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, he's been out of work for the past four years and has not looked for a new job
since. All he does is smoke cigars, and cruise around with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college
he does not ever pretend to like me...and hints that I am a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless







Dear Clueless,

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore..You're a United States Senator from New York, act like one.

molecule
04-27-2005, 08:48 AM
A dedicated union steel worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said.

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 72-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 53 years seniority and she's next."

Bbbutch
04-27-2005, 07:52 PM
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too "icky". You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase . You can open all of your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter what how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

Salty_Dog
04-28-2005, 11:30 AM
Grade School kids, aged between 5 and 8 years, were told to draw pictures for creatures from the sea, then write about them. A compendium:


This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Whales are animals, not fish. If they don't get air they can drown, like my brother did last summer. (David age 7)

Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an a$$hole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 6)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 7)

I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy age 8)

Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mom has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 8)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors. (Valerie age 6)

On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

atrdnut
04-28-2005, 11:44 AM
Redneck Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? a) '66 Ford Fairlane b) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle c) '64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The lot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

Salty_Dog
04-29-2005, 05:40 AM
Money-saving tips from the Sopranos:

When taking a body out to Jersey, use mass transit.

Every time you kill a guy, put a nickel in a jar.

Tap into nearly endless supply of cheap Mexican hit-men.

Make threatening phone calls after 11pm, when rates are lowest.

When you whack two or three guys, stuff them in same trunk and carpool it.

Inexpensive pinkie ring substitute: Plastic tab-pull from half gallon of orange juice.

Fire pricey nickname consultants -- everyone is either "Fat Tony" or "Vinnie."

Pasta is very inexpensive and very filling.

Forget expensive car bombs--just sneak up behind the guy and yell, "Ker-pow!"

Limit yourself to ten "fugeddaboudits" a day.

Buy the budget cement. Works just as well.

Salty_Dog
04-29-2005, 05:42 AM
A married man and his secretary are having an affair. They decide to leave the office early one day and go to the secretary's apartment for an afternoon of lovemaking. They fall asleep and don't wake up until 8PM later that night.

They quickly get dressed and the man asks his secretary to take his shoes and go rub them in the grass. The secretary thinks this is pretty weird, but she does it anyway.

The man finally gets home and his wife meets him at the door. The wife is very upset and asks him where he has been.

The husband replies, "I can not tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. We left work early today, went to her place, made love all afternoon, and then we fell asleep. That's why I'm late!"

The wife looks at him, takes notice of his shoes and says, "I see those grass stains all over your shoes. You've been playing golf again, haven't you!"

Salty_Dog
05-01-2005, 10:15 AM
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students, "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee."

The teacher says "That would be very rude and improper on your part."

Charlie replies "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."

The teacher says "That's much better but to mention the word ''toilet'' during a meal, is unpleasant."

And Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go Shake hands with an old friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner. "

The teacher passed out..

Salty_Dog
05-02-2005, 05:26 AM
Random Thoughts:

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced oneteen

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water know that selling it backwards is Naive?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

Salty_Dog
05-02-2005, 05:51 AM
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

- - - - - - - -

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

- - - - - - - - -

My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog.

- - - - - - - - -

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

- - - - - - - - -

What is the difference between a dog and a fox? About 5 drinks.

- - - - - - - - -

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."

- - - - - - - - -

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mother-in-laws.

- - - - - - - - -

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?

Dad: That happens in every country, son.

- - - - - - - - -

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

- - - - - - - - -

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

- - - - - - - - -

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"

Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

- - - - - - - - -

How do most men define marriage?

An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

- - - - - - - - -

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

- - - - - - - - -

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

- - - - - - - - -

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

- - - - - - - - -

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

- - - - - - - - -

The bumper sticker read: "I lost 250 pounds in one day, I divorced her."

- - - - - - - - -

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

RitcheyRch
05-02-2005, 08:10 AM
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit - demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed..............................................+ 1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....-1
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...................-1
You leave the toilet seat up..................................-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom...........-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5 in the snow.............................................. .....+8
but return with beer..................................-5
and no liners............................................ ....-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night.....................+2
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something..........+5
You pummel it with a six iron................................+10
It's her cat............................................... ..-50

AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party......................... 0
You stay by her side for a while then go to chat with a friend from school............................................ ......-2
Named Tiffany........................................... ......-4
Tiffany is now a dancer......................................-10
With breast implants.........................................-18

HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday............................... 0
You buy a card and flowers.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner.............................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar....+1
It is a sports bar......................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................-3
And your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.............................................. .....-10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

You go out with a pal............................... 0
The pal is happily married..........................+1
The pal is single...................................-7
He drives a Ferrari................................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED).......-15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie...................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.........................+4
You take her to a movie you hate..........................+6
You take her to a movie you like..........................-2
It's called Death Cop III.................................-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans....................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans....-15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly...........................,.-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.+10
You resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts............-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."...............-800

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
You hesitate in responding......................-10
You reply, "Where?".............................-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass".........-100
Any other response..............................-20

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes..................................+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience......,..+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do?".........................-100
You have fallen asleep .........................................-200

IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.......

You talk........................................-100
You don't talk.................................-150
You spend time with her...................-200
You don't spend time with her............-500

Ryone
05-02-2005, 10:29 AM
Dear Diary,
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess -- with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it!

My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other $h!t too.

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells.

When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:

I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the *&%#(#&**!!@*@ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife (the *****), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a vasectomy.

RitcheyRch
05-02-2005, 04:52 PM
RAISING BOYS

a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!

b) For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.

c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.

d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.

e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas!


Things We've learned from our Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft house 4 inches deep.

2.) If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3.) A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.

8.) Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in movies.

10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.

11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12.) Super glue is forever.

13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15.) VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.

19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24.) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

25.) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

Salty_Dog
05-03-2005, 05:32 AM
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need just because it is on sale..

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is considered the beginning of a new argument.

Salty_Dog
05-03-2005, 05:47 AM
Angus MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him.

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."

Salty_Dog
05-03-2005, 05:48 AM
There was a huge but not very bright college freshman who decided he would try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Sure, watch this," the freshman replied, as he ran smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow, I'm impressed," the coach said. "Can you run?"

"Of course," said the freshman. He was off like a bolt of lightning and in just over nine seconds, had run a hundred yard dash.

"That's great," said the coach with enthusiasm, "but, can you pass a football?"

Rolling his eyes and hesitating for a moment, the freshman replied, "If I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

RitcheyRch
05-03-2005, 05:52 AM
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would
live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

__________________________________________________ ___________

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that,
but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey

__________________________________________________ ______________

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

__________________________________________________ ____________

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body,"
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

__________________________________________________ _______________

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

__________________________________________________ ____________

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

__________________________________________________ _____________

"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

__________________________________________________ _____________

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Former Vice President

__________________________________________________ ___________

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle

__________________________________________________ _____________


"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca

__________________________________________________ ___________

"The word 'genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst

__________________________________________________ _____________

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

__________________________________________________ _____________

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, Former President

__________________________________________________ ____________

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

__________________________________________________ _____________

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

__________________________________________________ ____________

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as
they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night.
And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

Salty_Dog
05-03-2005, 06:10 AM
A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said the man.

Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Yallrun
05-03-2005, 06:14 AM
lol nice ones!

atrdnut
05-03-2005, 11:42 AM
(((RING)))) ............. (((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an Uncle Frank"

"Oh yes I do and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

***Brief Pause***

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy"

"And what happened honey? " he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all! "

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank? "

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says,

"Swimming pool??

.. . . Is this 555-7039??????"

atrdnut
05-03-2005, 12:16 PM
Wisdom from Grandpa

Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin' his salt that he forgets his sugar.

Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past - but never the present.

The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.

Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.

nucleus
05-03-2005, 12:31 PM
A man and his wife were working in their garden. After a while, the man looked over at his wife and said, "Your butt is getting big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a tape and measure the grill. Then he went over to where his wife was working and measured her bottom. "I was right," he said, "Your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"

His wife ignored him. Later that night, in bed, she brushed off her frisky husband's advances. "What's wrong?" asked the husband.

The wife calmly replied, "You don't really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie!"

atrdnut
05-03-2005, 12:32 PM
One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.

Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."

The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"

"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."

The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that."

"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times."

Salty_Dog
05-04-2005, 05:26 PM
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!".

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she $hits on you!"

atrdnut
05-04-2005, 05:42 PM
Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the @ss and having the balls to say, "You're next."

DeebsTundra
05-04-2005, 06:01 PM
The Horse, the Chicken & the Harley:

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of which loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?



"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!"

atrdnut
05-05-2005, 06:53 AM
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything... he might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry... if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20... but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

Salty_Dog
05-05-2005, 10:32 AM
Why Street Punks Make Lousy NASCAR Drivers:

You have to sit upright when driving.

The pistol won't stay under the racing seat.

Engines drown out Rap Music.

Pit Crew can't work on car and hold up pants at the same time.

They keep trying to carjack Dale Jr.

Police Cars on track interfere with the race.

No passenger seat for the Ho.

No Sponsors for Cadillac.

Can't wear helmet sideways or backwards.

When the crash, they bail out and run.

RitcheyRch
05-05-2005, 10:33 AM
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the profess or shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct... leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A "

Salty_Dog
05-05-2005, 10:40 AM
Moshe goes to an outdoor sale. As he is walking around the grounds, he sees a sign saying LUIGI HAS NICE THINGS FOR SALE.

He goes up to Luigi's booth and immediately sees that Luigi owns a horse. Moshe has always wanted his own horse, so he says to Luigi, "Excuse me but do you want to sell me your horse?"

Luigi replies, "I would sell it but it no looka so good."

Moshe says, "Well he looks fine to me. How much do you want for it?"

Luigi says, "But as I tella you, I canna sell him to you - he no looka so good."

Moshe says, "OK, I'll give you $1,000 for your horse. Final offer. What do you say?"

Luigi shrugs his shoulders and agrees. After writing out a check, Moshe gets on the horse and gallops off. But after no more than one minute of riding, the horse suddenly rides straight into an oak tree at speed and is killed.

Moshe is lucky to be alive and goes straight back to Luigi. "You thieving sonofab!tch, you sold me a blind horse!"

Luigi replies, "I tella you he no looka so good."

Salty_Dog
05-05-2005, 10:41 AM
The chef, of the upscale restaurant collided with a waiter one day and spilled coffee all over their computer. The liquid poured into the processing unit and resulted in some dramatic crackling and popping sounds.

After sopping up the mess, they gathered around the terminal as the computer was turned back on again.

"Please let it work," pleaded the guilt-ridden waiter.

A waitress replied, "Should be faster than ever. That was a double espresso."

Salty_Dog
05-05-2005, 10:43 AM
A man visited his rabbi.

"Rabbi, I am so upset about my son. I raised him a good Jew, taught him the Torah, and instructed him about the Sabbath. Well, I learned at this last Passover that he converted to Christianity. Tell me what I should do!".

The rabbi said, "Oy! The exact same thing happened to my son. I taught him to follow in my footsteps and boom! He also converted and became a priest! I don't know what to tell you. Maybe we should ask God?".

The two men started praying, "God almighty, creator of the universe, we are at a loss. Our first born sons have converted and became Christians."

A thundering voice responded, "Yeah, tell me about it!!!!!".

Salty_Dog
05-05-2005, 10:47 AM
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone."

"If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? Well, we might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."

"The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face."

"I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex."

"To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers just hit each other."

"I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas."

"If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose."

"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."

"Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books."

"If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now."

"When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and starteed wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns."

"If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine."

"Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?"

"One thing vampire children have to be taught early is not to run with a wooden stake."

"For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar for freshness?"

"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, I'd have all my money back."

Salty_Dog
05-05-2005, 10:51 AM
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

RitcheyRch
05-05-2005, 11:08 AM
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

"What's the matter?" he asks

"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.

"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"

"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Salty_Dog
05-06-2005, 05:21 PM
Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural when there are two boobs and only one butt?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?!

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Why does the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why are asteroids up in the hemishere and hemorrhoids up in your.......

RitcheyRch
05-07-2005, 04:44 AM
1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You've both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time

Salty_Dog
05-07-2005, 11:02 AM
Martha Stewart's aunt wanted to dig up her potato garden but it was very difficult work for the old woman as the ground was very hard. Her favorite niece Martha, who used to help her with the gardening, was in prison for lying to the government about Insider Trading and Stock Fraud.

So, the old woman wrote a letter to her niece and described her predicament: "Dear Martha: I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, Auntie"

A few days later the old woman received a letter from Martha: "Dear Auntie: For heaven's sakes, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the money & stocks. Love, Martha"

At 4 am the next morning, a team of FBI agents and local police arrived at the old aunt's house and dug up the entire garden area without finding any money or stocks. They apologized to the old woman and left.That same day the aunt received another letter from her niece: "Dear Auntie: Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances. Love, Martha

Salty_Dog
05-09-2005, 06:38 AM
Lessons for Women:

A Cleaner House In Ten Easy Lessons

How To Pamper Your Man

Massaging Techniques

Cooking Meals Without a Microwave.

A Woman's role & Responsibility In Foreplay

The "Right" Way To Fold A Man's Laundry

Breakfast A Man Loves To Eat

How To Make Getting Your Man A Beer, More Than Just A Trip To The Fridge

How To Stop Asking Mindless Questions Yard Maintenance

Techniques The Independence Of Changing Your Own Tire

A Man's Right To Possess The Remote Control

Ways To Wear Your Hair That Are Pleasing To A Man

Satisfying Your Man's Needs

How To Earn Your Allowance

Saying Sorry Can Be Fun

Sensing When Your Man Needs To Be Alone

Throw Away That Flannel Nightie

Sleeping In - A Man's Right

Your Man, Your Boss, Your Lover ... Understanding You Man's Multifaceted Roles

How The Kitchen Can Become Your Favorite Room In The House

Is House Work Instinct? ... Or Is It Learned Behavior?

Helpful Hints For Shining Your Man's Shoes

101 Bedroom Techniques Every Woman Should Know About

Don't Let PMS Stand In The Way Of Your House Work

How To Beg For Sex

Picking Up After Your Man ... What A Joy!

How To Keep Quiet In Public

How To Brag About Your Man In Any Situation

The Over-emphasis Of Female Orgasms ... Are They Necessary? ... Why They Aren't

Salty_Dog
05-09-2005, 06:41 AM
Lessons for Men:



Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead

Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!

If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss 101

If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't
Bring It Back: Accepting Loss 102

Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In

Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In

Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink

Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to run out of Toilet Paper!

Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill

Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts

No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware

Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means

Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut

Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under "Action/Adventure" category

Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

"I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh

Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet

Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed

"I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime

Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It

RitcheyRch
05-09-2005, 09:19 AM
After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her night stand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband? he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no!!!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. "That's me before the surgery."

RitcheyRch
05-09-2005, 10:04 AM
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.

"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's not any trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing - that old man was going like a train- I've got to ask him what his secret is."

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else.You had sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Salty_Dog
05-11-2005, 10:33 AM
Signs you are getting older:



1. You have house plants you can't smoke.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonalds leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. Instead of looking for Mr./Ms. "Right," you look for Mr./Ms. "They'll do."

26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.

Salty_Dog
05-11-2005, 10:43 AM
Menspeak:

"I'M GOING FISHING" Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING" Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Means: "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..." Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Means: "I have no idea how it orks."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND." Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD." Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR." Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS." Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES." Means: The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL." Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING." Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT." Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU." Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC." Means: ""Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE." Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

nucleus
05-11-2005, 06:44 PM
A man in a bar leans over to the next guy and says, "Wanna hear a redneck joke?"

The guy replies, "Fore you'all tell that joke you should know that I'm 6' tall, 205 lbs. and a redneck. Earl here here is 6'3", 235 lbs. and he's a redneck, too. So's Bubba, and he's 6'5" and weighs 260 lbs. So you real sure you wanna tell that joke?"

"Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."

RitcheyRch
05-13-2005, 07:03 AM
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived.


She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and could not say a word.



She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside...

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is: "Always keep your condoms in your car!!"

Salty_Dog
05-13-2005, 09:22 AM
Two blondes went into a diner and sat down at the counter. They ordered two diet sodas, took sandwiches out of their packs and started to eat them.

The owner saw what was going on and approached the women. "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here," he complained.

The two blondes stopped, looked at each other and traded sandwiches.

Salty_Dog
05-14-2005, 04:59 AM
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"Well it....no, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.

Salty_Dog
05-14-2005, 05:01 AM
It was announced today that Bertelsmann (BMG) will be purchasing the Columbia House music club. While terms weren't announce, analysts believe Bertelsmann will pay one penny, along with the promise to buy twelve additional companies at a later date.

Salty_Dog
05-15-2005, 12:08 PM
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf & enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day.

Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."

The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head down that long."

Salty_Dog
05-15-2005, 12:10 PM
Old Texas Proverb:

There are no ugly women; only a lack of beer.

Salty_Dog
05-15-2005, 12:11 PM
Today I walked into a drugstore operated by a prudish old woman. "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?"

She replied, "Don't 'Miss' me, mister."

I still can't figure out why she slapped my face when I said, "Well then, you better make it 13."

RitcheyRch
05-16-2005, 04:43 PM
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing
a tight skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her
turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her
leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would
give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step only to
discover that she couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once
again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step.


Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more again but was unable to make the step.


About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her
up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.


She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan yelled, "How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"


The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree
with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we
was friends.

Salty_Dog
05-17-2005, 05:02 AM
A Japanese guy was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asked the teller "Why it change, yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get a Hunat eighty?"

The teller says - "Fluctuations."

The Japanese guy says "Fluc you Americans too!"

RitcheyRch
05-17-2005, 07:16 AM
Why do men's hearts beat faster, knees get weak, throats become dry, and they think irrationally when a woman wears leather clothing?









BECAUSE SHE SMELLS LIKE A NEW TRUCK

RitcheyRch
05-17-2005, 11:31 AM
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them
suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem
to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and
follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence...... and then a shot is heard.
The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?"

atrdnut
05-17-2005, 11:33 AM
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.

In the mean time:
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack (died and gone to report in heaven). The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from family and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

42GAMI
05-19-2005, 06:29 AM
Q: how do make an extra 5 lbs of fat look good?













A: put a nipple on it.

Salty_Dog
05-19-2005, 04:55 PM
This couple had had fight and not spoken to each other for days. They were driving down the road and pass a farm with a bunch of jackasses in the field.

The husband decides to break the silence. "Relatives of yours?" he asks.

"Sure," said the wife. "In-laws."

Salty_Dog
05-19-2005, 05:04 PM
My wife and I do it doggie style. I sit up and beg; she rolls over and plays dead.

Salty_Dog
05-20-2005, 04:04 AM
Who's old enough to remember Burma Shave signs?

Trains don't wander, All over the map, 'Cause nobody sits, In the engineer's lap - Burma Shave

She kissed the hairbrush, By mistake, She thought it was, Her husband Jake - Use Burma Shave

Don't lose your head, To gain a minute, You need your head, Your brains are in it - Burma Shave

Drove too long, Driver snoozing, What happened next, Is not amusing - Burma Shave

Brother speeder, Let's rehearse, All together, Good morning nurse - Burma Shave

Speed was high, Weather was not, Tires were thin, X marks the spot - Burma Shave

The midnight ride, Of Paul for beer, Led to a warmer, Hemisphere - Burma Shave

Around the curve, Lickety-split , Its a beautiful car, Wasn't it? - Burma Shave

No matter the price, No matter how new, The best safety device, In the car is you - Burma Shave

A guy who drives, A car wide open, Is not thinkin', He's just hopin' - Burma Shave

At intersections, Look each way , A harp sounds nice, But its hard to play - Burma Shave

Both hands on the wheel, Eyes on the road, That's the skillful, Driver's code - Burma Shave

The one who drives, When he's been drinking, Depends on the car, To do his thinking - Burma Shave

Car in ditch, Driver in tree, The moon was full And so was he - Burma Shave

Passing school zone, Take it slow, Let our little, Shavers grow - Burma Shave

Salty_Dog
05-20-2005, 04:07 AM
This guy was sitting in his Lazy-Boy watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during a hot summer day. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting on his a$$ in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him.

"I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town; what would you do then? Go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with mashed potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up andasked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Salty_Dog
05-20-2005, 04:13 AM
Smart man + Smart woman = Romance
Smart man + Dumb woman = Affair
Dumb man + Smart woman = Marriage
Dumb man + Dumb woman = Pregnancy


Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production Line
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime

Salty_Dog
05-20-2005, 09:11 AM
If at first you don't succeed....

So much for skydiving.

RitcheyRch
05-20-2005, 11:26 AM
This has got to be one of the cleverest
E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME


ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

RitcheyRch
05-20-2005, 11:49 AM
Not sure if this has been posted before.

Salty_Dog
05-21-2005, 03:56 AM
An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on pizza what you ordered: pepper only."

Salty_Dog
05-21-2005, 04:03 AM
Rejected CBS Specials:

The Olsen Twins: Daddy's Little Girls

The Bob Hope/Art Carney/John Ritter Holiday Comedy Special -- Live!

Evening in Paris... Hilton

Wacky Iraqi War Bloopers

Kobe Bryant's Rocky Mount'n's

It's Probably Just a Thigh Rash, Charlie Brown

Paul and Heather McCartney 2004 Tour: The Second Leg

The Scott Peterson Christmas Fishin' Show

RitcheyRch
05-23-2005, 07:57 AM
The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an eagle to a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.



Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

Salty_Dog
05-24-2005, 06:06 AM
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel.

The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

RitcheyRch
05-24-2005, 08:05 AM
Can your kids do math, or can you? Glad I learned the 1950's style of math.



Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to
explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.


Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?


Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?


Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?


Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit
of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and
squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math In 2005
Un hachero vende una carretada de madera para $100. El costo de la
producción es $80 ...

nucleus
05-24-2005, 10:55 AM
Teaching Math In 2000

If an acre of virgin forest generates $100,000 in profit, and if $1,000 in political contributions removes environmental protection from 10 acres of virgin forest, how much profit can be achieved with $100,000 in political contributions?

The cost to maintain a fire prevention watch over the forest is $100 per acre. Assuming that the forest will be clear cut, how much taxpayer money will be saved by the $100,000 political contribution?

RitcheyRch
05-25-2005, 07:10 AM
Globalization



Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?



Answer: Princess Diana's death.

___________________________________________



Question: How come?



Answer:

An English princess

with an Egyptian boyfriend

crashes in a French tunnel,

driving a German car

with a Dutch engine,

driven by a Belgian who was drunk

on Scottish whisky,

followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,

on Japanese motorcycles;

treated by an American doctor,

using Brazilian medicines.

AND .................

This is sent to you by a Canadian,

using Bill Gates' technology,

and you're probably reading this on your computer,

that uses Taiwanese chips,

and a Korean monitor,

assembled by Bangladesh workers

in a Singapore plant,

transported by Indian lorry-drivers,

hijacked by Indonesians,

unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

That, my friends, is Globalization

RitcheyRch
05-25-2005, 01:22 PM
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards
are bestowed, honoring the least Evolved among us. Here then, are the
glorious winners.

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did
something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried
the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its
men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger The
chef's claim was approved.

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus
driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting
from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence,
the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a
free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling
the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre
fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious
head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the
injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he
could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the
counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the
man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk
promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving
the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
drawer..$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime
committed?)

7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE,
MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F***-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then
the sniggers started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over
laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to draw his
gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief
ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put
a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this
is a ****-up!"

8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab some
booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head at
the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the
head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man
grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman
was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within
minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and
drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's
her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked
on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived
at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near
spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to
steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank
by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that
it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

RitcheyRch
05-25-2005, 01:34 PM
This might have been posted before.


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested

RitcheyRch
05-25-2005, 01:37 PM
On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded on a deserted island:


Two Italian men and one Italian woman;

Two French men and one French woman;

Two German men and one German woman;

Two Greek men and one Greek woman;

Two English men and one English woman;

Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman;

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman;

Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman;

Two Irish men and one Irish woman;

Two American men and one American woman.

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle
of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
ménage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with
the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning
and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started
swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry, and have gottten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat foggy after a few litres of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English aren't having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is the root of all her problems and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so she could call 911 and get them all rescued off this God forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping!

RitcheyRch
05-27-2005, 08:18 AM
A woman was caught shoplifting in a supermarket on
Miami Beach and was arrested and hauled off by police
car to appear in night court, where she had been joined
by her long-suffering husband.

They had been in this very courtroom, before the same
judge, earlier in the week, squabbling over marital
spousal support in their on-going divorce trial.

The prosecutor had the store's TV security tape, which
proved the theft by the woman had taken place so the
judge said, considering her previous record for similar
offenses, he was forced to impose a jail term.

"This time you stole a can of tomatoes. I am going to
guess that there were six tomatoes in the can.

Do you agree?"

The woman agreed.

"Then I sentence you to six nights in jail."

The husband jumped to his feet , addressing the judge,
"Your honor, may I approach the bench?" "

Well," said the judge, this is a bit unusual but I'll make
an exception in this case. You may approach the bench."

The husband wasted no time getting up to the judge's
podium and leaning forward, he said in a low voice,

She also stole a can of peas, your honor."

RitcheyRch
05-27-2005, 09:43 AM
So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts it in his bag with the other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting Inspector walks up.
"Sir, can I please see that bag?" he asks. "Sure," says the hunter and hands the bag over.
The Inspector looks through the bag, pulls out one goose, and sticks his finger up its ass. He pulls it out, smells it and says, "This here's a Virginia goose, do you have a Virginia Hunting License?"
The hunter looks through his wallet and pulls out it and shows it to the inspector. The inspector nods and sticks his hand in the bag and pulls out another goose.
He sticks his finger up it's ass and says, "This here's a Maine goose, do you have a Maine Hunting License?"
The hunter looks again through his wallet, pulls out the card, and shows it to the inspector. He nods again, and pulls out the last goose. He does the routine and says, "This here is a Rhode Island goose, do you have a Rhode Island Hunting License?"
The hunter fishes through his wallet, shows the card to the inspector and puts it back in.
"Boy, you having all these licenses, where are you from?" asks the Inspector.
The hunter pulls down his pants and asks, "Why don't you find out?"...

Salty_Dog
05-27-2005, 10:38 AM
This convict escapes from prison and breaks into this couple's house. He finds them in the bedroom. At knifepoint, he ties the husband to a chair and the wife to the bed.

He then leans over and whisper's something in the wife's ear, then gets up and heads for the bathroom.

The husband leans over from the chair and says "Honey, just stay calm. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Just do what he says and maybe we'll get out of this alive. Be strong, Honey. I love you."

The wife says, "Actually, he told me you were kind of cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I said there is some under the bathroom sink. Now just stay calm and do what he says and maybe we'll get out of this alive. Be strong, Honey. I love you."

RitcheyRch
05-27-2005, 12:53 PM
Every now and then - you gotta love those New Yorkers!

Finally, a bumper sticker for BOTH political parties.

The hottest selling bumper sticker comes from
New York State:

"RUN HILLARY RUN"

Democrats put it on the rear bumper.

Republicans put it on the front bumper.

Salty_Dog
05-28-2005, 04:17 AM
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.


"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

atrdnut
05-30-2005, 05:53 PM
1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4 Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12 NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18 Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20 I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With that?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29 The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30 I smile because I don't know what the heck is going on.

31. Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

RitcheyRch
05-31-2005, 04:59 AM
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her
husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite"

RitcheyRch
05-31-2005, 07:12 AM
About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the
western
Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner. At dinner we noticed an
elderly lady
sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main
dining room.
I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers,
waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady.

I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she
owned the
line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the
last four
cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and
stopped to say
hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this
ship for the
last four cruises".

She replied, "Yes, that's true."
I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a
pause, "It's
cheaper than a nursing home".

So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and
feeble, I
am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship.

The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have
checked on
reservations at Princess and I can get a long-term discount and
senior
discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities, which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the
restaurant,
or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in
bed every
day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room,
free
washers and dryers & shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An
extra $5
worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the
mattress
replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for
your
inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to
ask for
them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on
Medicare; if
you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade
you to a
suite for the rest of your life.

Now hold on for the best!

Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti,
Australia, New
Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a
ship ready
to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to
ship.



P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the
side at no
extra charge!

RitcheyRch
06-01-2005, 05:17 AM
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

RitcheyRch
06-02-2005, 05:06 AM
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1
bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour =
Knotfurlong

16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

1 trillion microphones = 1 megaphone

1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

365.25 days = 1 unicycle

2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

52 cards = 1 decacards

1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

10 rations = 1 decoration

100 rations = 1 C-ration

2 monograms = 1 diagram

4 nickels = 2 paradigms

2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University =
1 IV League

100 Senators = Not 1 decision

RitcheyRch
06-02-2005, 09:10 AM
Just in case you're considering being a judge in a chili cookoff , , , , , , , , , , ,

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster named LENNY, who was visiting Texas:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:


Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
LENNY: Holy smokes, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue)? with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
LENNY: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
LENNY: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
LENNY: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
LENNY: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
LENNY: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress.
LENNY: You could put a grenade in my mouth and pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good! At autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful, and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
LENNY: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to respond)

RitcheyRch
06-02-2005, 10:38 AM
The difference between "guts" and "balls"!

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."

Salty_Dog
06-02-2005, 12:25 PM
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already $hit in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at Wal-Mart.

RitcheyRch
06-03-2005, 08:14 AM
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As all men will.)

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her,

I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition." (There are always conditions.)

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied,

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (Controlling, huh?)

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address.

She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....

***Scroll down for answer***















"Clean my house."

Salty_Dog
06-04-2005, 08:07 AM
What did the Jewish mother say at the NASCAR race?

"They're always turning left. Turn signals they never heard of."

Salty_Dog
06-04-2005, 08:13 AM
It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

Salty_Dog
06-05-2005, 07:38 AM
Great Moments in Sports:

a.. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me."

b.. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

c.. And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"

d.. Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

e.. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

f.. Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."

g.. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."

h.. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys lineup, alphabetically by height." And "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

i.. Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

j.. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

k.. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my @#%#%@ clothes."

l.. Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece:"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

m.. Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

n.. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is".

o.. "Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

p.. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

q.. Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."

r.. Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"

s.. Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."

t.. Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."

u.. Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."

v.. Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."

w.. Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."

x.. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

y.. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

z.. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Bbbutch
06-05-2005, 02:36 PM
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything, cleaning, mopping, and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house.

The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the s tench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed, and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home, including the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU????

Bbbutch
06-06-2005, 06:19 PM
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago,
it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50
left of the original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Beer one year ago,
drank all the beer,
then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had $214.00.

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan

Salty_Dog
06-07-2005, 09:34 AM
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

ba da BUMP!

Salty_Dog
06-08-2005, 05:24 AM
A tremendous earthquake, measuring 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico,
with epicenter near Guadalajara, which lies near the Sierra Madre Occidental.

An estimated two million Mexicans have died and over a million are believed
to be injured. The estimated property damage is in the billions of dollars and
untold numbers are left homeless. At a press conference earlier today Mexican President Vicente Fox has asked world leaders for any help they can give.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots and looting.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies to temporary shelters set up by the Red Cross.

The European community is sending food and money.

The United States is sending two million replacement Mexicans.

Salty_Dog
06-08-2005, 06:13 AM
The Good Old Days:

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming, "do over!"

"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

Catching the fireflies could happily occupy the whole family for an entire evening.

It wasn't odd to have two or three "best friends."

Being old referred to anyone over 20.

The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter.

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

It was magic when Dad would "remove" his thumb.

It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.

Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot (or a squirt gun).

Nobody was prettier than Mom.

Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home.

"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

War was a card game.

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.

nucleus
06-08-2005, 07:37 AM
This morning on I-5, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a big Buick doing 75 mph with her face up next to the rear view mirror, putting on makeup. I looked away for a second and when I looked back she was halfway in my lane, still working on that makeup.

Now I don't scare easily, but she scared me so much I dropped my electric razor. Trying to catch it, I dropped my donut. While juggling the razor and the donut and steering with my knees to avoid an accident with this crazy dingbat, the cell phone slipped from my shoulder and fell into the coffee between my legs, disconecting an important call, ruining the phone AND my trousers AND scortching my family jewels.

Damn women drivers.

nucleus
06-09-2005, 10:02 AM
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, Let's see...9-1/2 E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

anmrivera
06-09-2005, 10:17 AM
You've all heard of the Air Force's
ultra-high-security, super-secret
base in Nevada, known simply as 'Area 51'? Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks
out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their 'secret'
base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and
hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas,
got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air
Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during
the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot
really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying 'you-did-not-see-a-base' briefing, complete with threats of
spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-away on such-and-such a
heading, and sent him on his way. The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... only this time there was two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, 'Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane
and you have to tell her where I was last night!'

RitcheyRch
06-09-2005, 01:21 PM
No matter what your stand on our president and the Iraq war....Facts are facts.........

If you consider that there has been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the last 22 months, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000.
The rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000.
That means that you are 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol (which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation) than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington, D.C.

RitcheyRch
06-09-2005, 01:33 PM
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they are done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"


"Didn't feel a thing!"

RWK
06-09-2005, 02:58 PM
Why ARE Men Happier ? Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.